The Ideal Family Unit The Rights of a Child

The Ideal Family Unit: The Rights of a Child

Dr. Bilal Philips

Introduction

And the material which I will present to you actually is a product of some research done by one of my wives who was about to raise a Muslim child. And she wanted to do some research. She went and met parents whom she knew had raised righteous children.

And she wanted to try to gather what were the factors, what were the habits, the characteristics which these parents had which made them able to successfully raise Muslim children for herself to benefit from. And that research material she put together and made a presentation amongst the sisters. This is in Qatar.

I have taken that same material and I will be presenting it to you in this particular context. In the context of the seven habits for successfully raising Muslim children.

The Fundamental Goal: Raising Righteous Muslims

The first thing that we must address is the fundamental goal of raising Muslim children. That this goal should be distinct and different from the goals of raising children in general. The society teaches that children should be raised for particular purposes. And Islamic society teaches that children should be raised for particular purposes.

There may be some overlapping which is natural. But the goals of the Muslim family, of Muslim parents in raising Muslim children should be raising righteous Muslims. That should be clear.

The goal is to raise righteous Muslims. Not merely children who identify culturally with the Islamic culture or we could really call it the Muslim culture from which we come. Because Islamic culture and Muslim culture may be at variance.

Muslim culture may involve and include many other things which are really not a part and parcel of Islamic culture. So often times the goals that people have set for themselves is to raise children who conform with the culture which they have inherited. But what we are talking about is really raising them in accordance with Islamic culture. Truly Islamic culture. And as such they should be raised righteous Muslims.

So parents should have high goals and expectations for their children. For true Muslims the highest possible goal and expectation is none other than paradise. The Prophet (peace be upon him) was reported by Abu Huraira to have promised paradise for the child raised a righteous Muslim. He said:

Seven will be shaded by Allah in His shade. On a day when there will be no shade besides His shade. A just ruler and a youth who grows up worshipping Allah. That should be our goal as parents. To raise children who will grow up worshipping Allah.

Most people's high expectations of their children, this is the reality in which we're living, is focused on the dunya. So what a parent tends to think is, I want my child to have a medical degree, an engineering degree or a law degree. I want them to have these wonderful professions which earn a lot of money and have with them a lot of prestige, etc, etc.

Now these goals are fine from an academic and vocational perspective. And they're needed by the Muslim community for its healthy survival, especially in this world, in this time. However, they should not take precedence over the primary goal in the life of the Muslim. Paradise in the life to come.

Thus parents should desire for themselves and their children paradise, as Allah says in Surah At-Tur, verse 21:

And those who believed and whose offspring follow them in faith, I will join their offspring with them, and I will not decrease their rewards in any way.

First Habit: Taqwa (Piety)

Now, the first habit. The first habit for those who want to successfully raise Muslim children is taqwa, piety. From the perspective of the children, it is the right of children that their parents be righteous. Righteous. It is the right of children that their parents be righteous.

The question arises, when should Islamic upbringing begin? The reality is that tarbiyah, Islamic upbringing, starts before the child is born and continues from the time of its birth.

A student once asked his teacher about raising his child who was at that time one year old. And the teacher replied, you have already missed the boat. If you're asking when the child is already one, you've already missed the boat. Because it starts back with the parents.

Parents desiring righteous children should themselves be righteous. They must work on themselves, their relationship with Allah, their knowledge, their character, and so on and so forth.

This habit does not refer to the principle of being a good example. That is the third habit. This habit refers to the principle that if people are themselves righteous, Allah will make their children righteous as one of the fruits of taqwa. Taqwa, piety, fear of Allah has fruits. Among those fruits is righteous children.

For example, in the Quranic story of Moses and Khidr, when Khidr explained that he rebuilt the wall because Allah wanted him to protect a treasure left for two orphans that was beneath the wall. He added at the end of his statement:

And their father was a righteous man. Some of the early scholars used to tell their children, indeed, I make extra formal prayers, nawafil, for your sake. They used to recite the verse:

So that the righteousness of the parents would affect the children, that they would benefit from their righteousness.

Those parents must be sure that their own aqeedah is intact. That they have a close relationship with Allah. They must put this aqeedah into practice. It is not enough to know the academic details, but that aqeedah must be lived.

For example, Muslims in knowing the fundamentals of tawheed, know that among Allah's names is ar-Razzaq, the provider. Therefore, they should seek their provisions through halal sources, and leave the outcome to Allah. This is what they should do if we have that correct belief with regards to Allah's names and attributes.

Knowing His names and attributes and internalizing them requires us to live in accordance with the fact that Allah is ar-Razzaq. So what does that mean? It means that people will not sacrifice the paradise, will not sacrifice the life to come for the sake of provision in this life.

What happens today is that people's main focus is the dunya. And that is given precedence. They put all of their energies into it at the expense of their children and their religion.

So, most Muslims today are caught up in riba, in one way or another. Or they migrate to non-Muslim countries in order to ensure their children's future. Future, what future? Future as lawyers, doctors, etc. Economic future. In many cases, the priority becomes making money and saving it, and Allah is forgotten. They do nothing for the pleasure of Allah.

In some of the better cases, they just do their five times daily prayers and no more. However, the way to ensure their future in both the dunya and the akhira is to have taqwa. As Allah said:

And whoever fears Allah, then Allah will make a way out for him and provide him from where he never imagined. And whoever trusts in Allah will find him sufficient.

So parents have to live Islam. They have to internalize it and act in accordance with it, with its aqeedah, with its creed. Parents should also practice the sunnah. This is part of the creed. To live in accordance with the way of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). And to do so is to avoid innovation.

Because as the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, every innovation is misguidance.

(Sahih Muslim)

And every form of misguidance ultimately leads to the hellfire. We should understand that bid'ah in general is a satanic shortcut offered to lazy Muslims. People who don't want to do what Allah has required of them to do.

So there are shortcuts offered. You just do this, pray to the saint and you will have guaranteed results. If you try to pray to Allah, it's not gonna work. But if you pray to the saint, you're covered. So these satanic shortcuts actually destroys a person's religion. And such a person could not possibly be given righteous children.

Because Allah gives righteous to the righteous. It's not to say that Allah in His greatness cannot take righteous children from unrighteous parents. Or that He may not give unrighteous children to righteous parents. Because we know Prophet Noah had an unrighteous son. As he mentioned in the Quran, that's reality.

However, what we're talking about is the norm. We're not talking about the exception. We talk about the norm. So parents themselves must keep away from sins. The ends don't justify the means. They must be aware also of the insignificant sins.

As the Prophet (peace be upon him) was reported by Sahl ibn Sa'ad to have said: Beware of the scorned sins. They're like people who camp in the bottom of a valley. And one comes with a twig. And another comes with a twig. Until they make a bonfire and bake their bread. Indeed, scorned sins, whenever they are adopted, they destroy those who do them.

So the parents themselves, in order to ensure their chances for getting righteous children, they must themselves be righteous.

Second Habit: Dua (Supplication)

The second habit. The second habit is dua. Dua is the weapon of the believer. It is the right of Muslim children that their parents pray for them. Pray for them. Even before they're born.

That their parents make dua when they have relations, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) prescribed. And Allah described the righteous worshippers of Himself, Ibadur-Rahman, as making the following dua:

Oh our Lord, grant us, from our spouses and children, a coolness to our eyes.

And this was the way of the Prophets. We find Prophet Zakariya praying to Allah saying:

Oh my Lord, grant me from Yourself a good offspring. You are indeed the all-hearer of prayers.

And Allah answered his prayer saying:

I made him, Yahya, compassionate and pure from sins. And he was righteous and dutiful towards his parents. And he was neither arrogant nor disobedient.

So, we should make as parents sincere du'a for righteous children. Sincere du'a which should come from the bottom of our hearts with a certainty that our du'a will be answered. As Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet (peace be upon him) had said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi)

Call on Allah, being certain that your prayers will be answered. But know that Allah does not answer prayers from a heedless, playful heart.

So, when we make du'a for righteous children, it's not just getting the du'a from the Qur'an or from the sunnah, and just repeating it ritualistically. It is reflecting on that du'a and saying it with the full force of our hearts and our souls.

Furthermore, sincere du'a will only be accepted from the righteous. As the Prophet (peace be upon him) explained in a hadith in which he said: O people, indeed Allah is good and pure and He accepts only what is good and pure. Indeed Allah has commanded the believers to do what He commanded the messengers.

Then he recited the verse:

O messengers, eat from the good things and do righteous deeds. Indeed, I'm well acquainted with whatever you do. And he also recited the verse: O you who believe, eat from the good things that I have provided for you.

Then he mentioned, like a man on a long journey whose hair was disheveled and dusty, raising his hands up to the sky saying, O my Lord, O my Lord. But his place of eating was haram, his place of drinking was haram, his clothing was haram, and his body was fed with haram. How could his prayers be answered as a result of that?

(Sahih Muslim)

So, when we talk about making sincere du'a, we must have also the necessary conditions for that sincere du'a to be accepted. So we try to fulfill them as much as we can. We try to choose the optimum times for du'a, and we try to make sure that the other conditions are fulfilled.

Also, one aspect of du'a for our children is choosing a good name for our children. By choosing the names of the righteous, righteous of the generation before us, this becomes a kind of du'a for our child.

Also, if we choose the names which have good meanings, this is also a form of taking a good omen out of that name which is permitted. Prophet (peace be upon him) permitted this element of omen taking when he forbade all others.

So choosing good names for our children, not traditional, tribal, national names, but good names, names of good meaning. Either those which the Prophet (peace be upon him) recommended, Abdullah and Abdur-Rahman, or those of people among the sahaba.

So when your child asks you, what does this name mean? You're able to tell them something good, either in its meaning or who had that name as an example to them.

Third Habit: Being a Good Example

The third habit is, as I said earlier, the example. And this is perhaps the hardest habit to develop. It is the right of Muslim children that their parents be good examples to them. Religiosity and character play a major role in the rearing of righteous children.

One cannot get away with telling children to do things which they don't do. Allah curses it in the Quran:

You command people to righteousness and forget yourselves.

The saying, do as I say, not as I do. This doesn't work. Yes, we may be able to force them on that basis. But the children will not learn righteousness that way. They will not be raised truly righteous. They will be hypocrites. They will do it because you said, do as I say. It doesn't matter what I do, you do as I say. So therefore you do it.

If the mother is modest and shy, she wears hijab, then the daughters will be that way. If the mother is gentle, the children will be gentle. If the children see the mother exert herself to worship Allah, then they will want to copy her.

If she yells and screams and hits, then they will do the same. If she controls her anger, so will the children. If parents, especially the mother, are not affectionate and kind, compassionate and merciful, the children will not be.

If the mother backbites, so will the children. If the mother lies, so will the child. Often parents teach their children how to lie. For example, if someone calls the house and the parents don't want to speak to that person, they tell the child, tell them I'm not here. They've just taught them how to lie.

Or the mother may tell the girl or the son to hide certain things from the father. She does things that the father told her not to do. So she'll tell the kids, don't tell your father. Well, she's teaching them how to lie.

Parents should try to make themselves the best possible example. The best possible example of good character. Because character is something which can mostly be learned by example. Character. The Prophet (peace be upon him) summed up Islam as being a religion of good character. He said:

(Musnad Ahmad and al-Muwatta)

I was only sent to perfect for you the highest of moral character traits.

So he stressed the importance of character. We have to be as parents that example. And Prophet (peace be upon him) in the prayers that he made in the beginning of salah, his formal prayers. He used to make a du'a in the middle of it saying:

(Sahih Muslim)

O Allah, guide me to the best of manners, for no one can guide to the best of them except You. And take me away from the worst of manners, for surely no one can keep the worst of manners away except You.

So we ask du'a to Allah to help us to develop good manners. And we have to make the effort ourselves to be mannerly, to be good in our manners, even if it means pretending. If we pretend to be good mannered, eventually that mannerism will be acquired.

Because you know some people say, well, having good manners, I mean controlling one's temper and being patient, and these other kinds of things. Some people just seem to be born that way. While the rest of us, we can't seem to do it. Well, the Prophet (peace be upon him) had said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

Whoever pretends to be patient with the desire, wanted to do that obviously for the pleasure of Allah. Then Allah will give him patience.

So character can be gained, can be achieved by trying to do them even though internally we don't feel them. Because one may know intellectually, yes, you should control your anger. But when the time of anger comes, what happens? We still get angry in an uncontrolled way.

So therefore, what we have to do is to force ourselves, to pretend while desiring Allah, that Allah help us to develop this characteristic.

Parents should want their children to know real Islam, which might seem strange due to the many non-Islamic influences in the outer world. Therefore they should want to be the strongest influence in their children's lives.

This is among the strongest methods which Prophet (peace be upon him) used in raising the generation of the Sahaba. When he arrived in Medina, he taught them from the very beginning to take whatever they needed of Islam from him. He was the example. He was the guide.

So many times you hear him saying that you should be good to your wives. And I am the best of you, and I am the best to my wives. He makes that comparison, giving himself as the example.

Fourth Habit: Attachment Parenting

The fourth habit to attain righteous children is what is known as attachment parenting from the very beginning. Attachment parenting. Meaning that it is the right of the children to be loved, to be treated in a loving fashion. That begins with the breastfeeding of the child.

That the mother keeps the child close to her, maintains that contact, that physical contact. Allah prescribed two years of breastfeeding. Western culture went away from breastfeeding for a variety of different reasons. In the end they came back, and they now tell parents, it is best for you to breastfeed, and they try to promote it on a large scale.

But Islam stressed it right there in the Quran. It's the right of the child. As long as the woman is able, she's capable, then she should breastfeed them for those two years. And that provides a warm beginning for the child.

The child is in direct contact with the mother.

And that exchange, that contact, is important in the psychological development of the child. Scientifically, it's been proven that the first five years are most crucial in forming the future personality of the child. Most of the problems of teenagers come from the early period of childhood.

So children need love to help stabilize their characters. And the Prophet (peace be upon him) stressed that one who is not merciful and loving to their children is not of us. This was his way.

Of course, even in those days, people used to have this macho kind of thing, that kissing and cuddling, and these type of things with children is for women. You don't do this. On one occasion, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) kissed one of the kids, it was Hassan or Hussain.

And another companion by the name of Aqra ibn Habis, he saw him do this, and he turned to another companion and said, I've got ten kids and I've never kissed one of them. And the Prophet (peace be upon him) turned to him and said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

One who is not merciful will not receive mercy.

Islam, the way is a merciful, loving and kind way. So, the guiding of the children, the directing of the children should be done in as loving a way as possible. Quality time, personal attention should be given to them.

We talked before about communication, that we have to develop lines of communication with the children. It's very important giving them quality time, not just brief passing time, but to give them real time for you to know them, and for them to know you.

Also, when dealing with the children, one should know what to focus on. One should avoid being harsh. Wherever something may be done through kindness, it's better to do that than through harshness. So, the fourth habit is bonding with the children. Developing a good solid bond of love and affection with the children. That's going to make a big difference in their upbringing.

Fifth Habit: Islamic Education

The fifth habit is education. It is the right of Muslim children that they be educated Islamically. That they be educated Islamically. Most of us understand, yes, that they be educated, but our focus is not Islamically. It's just being educated. We said before, going to the best schools, getting the highest degrees, etc. But it is educated Islamically.

When the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

(Sunan Ibn Majah)

Seeking knowledge is compulsory for every Muslim. He meant Islamic knowledge. First and foremost.

Yes, gaining other knowledge is useful, it is beneficial. One doesn't write it off. But Islamic knowledge is what is important. And that should begin from the earliest ages. We should give them aqeedah. That is where our faith begins.

From the very beginning, the first word that the child should learn, if possible, should be Allah. The first word that the child should learn, if possible, should be Allah. Let it be Allah, rather than Baba and Mama. Baba and Mama is good too, but Allah is better.

When the child is putting his first little sentences together, teach him that Allah is above. Allah is up. He's not here, there, everywhere. Not inside this and inside that and inside the other. Which the world is confused about.

But at the same time, we teach him or her that Allah knows everything. Yes, Allah is above, but He knows and He sees everything. We should instill in them a love of Allah, and a fear of Allah from the very beginning.

We should bring them up on La ilaha illallah Muhammadur Rasulullah. We should talk about heaven and hell. Even from the early childhood.

I know western upbringing principles of raising children. Say, no you shouldn't teach the children horrible, evil type scenes and concepts. You know, punishment in hellfire, people burning. No, no, it's not good. Don't put it in the child's mind. Just give the child love, love, love. Everything is good, rosy. No. Allah teaches about heaven and hell.

The child should be aware of heaven and hell. We're doing good things to try to achieve heaven. We don't necessarily need to go into all of the fine details of what goes on in heaven and hell. Of course, if the child asks some details, whatever you give them, what is necessary. But let them know this is a good place, and there's a bad place. There's a consequence.

You do good, you go to the good place. You do bad, it will take you to the bad place. You try to avoid that bad place. There's no harm in raising children with that consciousness.

We should let them understand about the day of judgment. That they will be held to account. That even though we as parents may not see you doing certain things, Allah sees and He will hold you to account. So they should develop that sense of doing righteous deeds even when authorities aren't around, ihsan. We strive to give them that consciousness of ihsan.

Also, we should instill in them a love for the Prophet (peace be upon him). Because that is our shahada. Muhammadur Rasulullah. It should be something which is a part and parcel of their lives. He should be the

greatest symbol. Not Superman, not the X-Men. No, no.

People with all those powers that people tend to attract, become attracted to and attached to. Superheroes, no.

The hero for them should be Rasulullah (peace be upon him). And the Prophets in general.

But the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in particular, they should develop, we should help them to develop a love for. And they can only love him if they know him. Know him in the sense that they know about him.

So in our raising them, they should be raised on stories about Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). His role, what he did for us, how he guided us. Our Islam came from him. He's the one who showed us the way. Showing us the way to paradise, etc, etc.

And as part and parcel of the education, we should develop formal lessons for our children in aqeedah and akhlaq from the earliest ages. We should start the children with prayer when they're young, just as Prophet (peace be upon him) had said. Teach your children salah when they're seven.

By the time they're seven, they should know salah. Knowing salah doesn't mean merely that they stand up when you stand up, they raise their hands, they bow. But if you step away, they're lost. No, they haven't learned salah. They're only doing while you're doing.

Or even if they learn and they can do it on their own, they don't really know what they're saying, what they're doing, they don't make wudu. Learning salah means learning salah. Salah is not accepted without wudu.

Yes, they're children so issues of salah is not really there. Meaning reward and punishment. You get the reward and punishment. You get the reward when they pray. Just as you get the reward when they make hajj. You get the reward when they fast. You get the reward. But at the same time, you're training them. So you train them properly.

You train them to do as best as they can. So you teach them wudu. They should learn wudu. When they make salah, they should cover themselves. You know, the little girls should wear hijab.

Also, in general, you know, children love stories. We said that before. We should tell them stories of the Prophet (peace be upon him). You know, there are also stories about the sahaba and these kinds of things. You know, many books now have been produced. You know, about the lives of the sahaba and the righteous of the past. We should read these things to them. You know, as bedtime stories, etc. Try to read as much of that to them as possible.

We should take advantage of their strong memories. In those early years, their memories are extremely sharp. It is in those early years that the earlier generation used to memorize the Qur'an. By the time they were 7, or at least by the time they were 10, they memorized the whole of the Qur'an.

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If that is possible, we should give that to our children. I mean, what greater blessing can we do but to give them the Qur'an. Of course, it has to be done in a proper way so that the children are not learning the Qur'an with a stick over their head. You know, because sometimes this doesn't work.

We teach children the Qur'an, but unfortunately, people in many of the Qur'an schools around the Muslim world today, the methods which they employ actually destroy the love of the Qur'an in the hearts of many of the children. Because they brutalize them.

Yes, they say, you can't learn without the stick. We have to have a stick. Yes, the children do need a little bit of pressure. You know, there are times when they do need some pressure, but not to the extent that I've seen in many schools around the Muslim world.

Most of the places I've visited, Muslim madrasas, etc., where people learn Qur'an, it's not done in a loving way. And the children leave the school scarred. So yes, we should take advantage of their strong memory, but we should try to do it in a way which is going to endear the Qur'an to them, not turn them off from the Qur'an.

And we should make ruqya on them. A part of the knowledge that we should impart is the making of ruqya. Before they go to bed at night, they should learn. Once they learn to make the... they can recite some Qur'an, they know to make the three quds, wiping it over themselves. It's a form of ruqya. They should do it for themselves, we should do it for them.

And, we should use whatever day-to-day experiences that the children have, that we find them in, use them as lessons to teach them. Teach them something about Islam. Teach the girls modesty with the hijab. Teach the boys some senses of responsibility.

And we should have in our homes an Islamic library. We should gather books, tapes, videos, CDs, whatever. We should have a sufficient range of media, information and material that the children who often times are attracted to visual things, we have enough for them there, that they don't feel a need to run out and watch other materials which are destructive.

Sixth Habit: Positive Environment

The sixth habit. The sixth habit is to provide a positive environment. That is, it is the right of children that they have a good environment. Meaning the home, the household should be an Islamic household.

It's not an Islamic household simply because we have on the wall Ayatul Kursi. You know people have, you can buy Ayatul Kursi in Habib's bookstore, whatever. And nicely framed, written in gold letters, we put it on the wall. So now we have an Islamic household.

No. This is not what makes an Islamic household. What goes on inside of that household is what determines whether it's Islamic or not.

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So we should have all of the necessary things in the home which show the child in the home environment an Islamic example. This is going back also to the example. Example in the parents, example in the environment in which they live.

So parents should maintain a peaceful environment in the home. The home should be peaceful. It should be free of conflict. I mean of course between husband and wife there is gonna be some conflict, but it should be done behind closed doors. Quietly. Of course it could be behind closed doors and there is banging and smashing, you don't know.

But quietly. The children don't know what's going on. Ok, you could say, this is kind of hypocrisy, better them to see how you really are. No, it's not better. Sometimes it's not better. Sometimes yes, it is better to know the reality of things, and sometimes it's not.

Because they will not understand, they will not be able to interpret that. So we try to keep those conflicts, etc. behind closed doors.

The children shouldn't see their mother acting in a disobedient fashion to their father. Similarly they shouldn't see the father insulting the mother. This is a negative environment, home environment for the children.

And also parents should be consistent in dealing with the children. It shouldn't be that mother says this, and then you can run to dad, and dad will say that. So you know whenever mother is too harsh, you go to dad. Or whenever dad is too harsh, you go to mom. Because the kids, they quickly learn this, and they play off one against the other. They become experts at it.

So, it is important that there is consistency. When a child asks you something, you don't know what your wife has said on it. You ask them, what did your mom say? Oh, she said... Well, let me check with your mom first. Go back and check with mom. Same thing with mom checking with father. What did father actually say? Or what does father think on this matter? So, you come up to a unified position on particular issues.

The home, as I said, as an environment, we should hear Quran reading in the home. The media, the various issues of media in the home, it should be Islamic. We should also invite to the home religious people.

So we create a religious environment in our home. Prophet (peace be upon him) had said that, only the righteous should eat your food. Meaning that, those people you invite into your home to eat along with you and your family, they should be righteous people.

So they are part of the environment of the home. They are part of what makes a home Islamic. Also, the home should be free of un-Islamic magazine, books, etc.

And we should also teach the children, and this is a part of our environment, how to deal with people who do what we told them not to do. We ourselves, we try to avoid these things. So, we tell them don't do it. So we

don't do it and they don't do it. But they're gonna see people who do it. So what do we do? Of course, we have to let them know it's wrong.

We can't tell them it's okay for them, but it's not okay for us. No. It's wrong. But of course the children, they have to be taught a certain amount of diplomacy. Because children, once you tell them this is wrong, they are quick to run up to that person and say, Hey, why are you doing this? You shouldn't be doing this. And it can get embarrassing sometimes.

But the bottom line is that they need to know it's wrong. And even if they embarrass you sometimes, it's better that than you creating this kind of vague understanding about right and wrong in these matters.

As I said, we should create a good environment for the children. This is the positive environment, the method or the habit number six. That involves the home as we spoke about, as well as what is outside the home. So when we're choosing schools, we should try to put our children in Islamic schools.

Even if the Islamic school may be of a lower academic standard than the regular school, the government school, or another private school. It may be a higher standard, producing specialists on another level. We would like our children to have these specializations.

But what is more important is their Islamic upbringing. So it's better to put a child, put our children in Islamic schools of inferior academics than to put them in non-Muslim schools of superior academics. That's the bottom line.

People say, well we have to survive in this world. This is the world which gives favor to those who are superior academically. Well, we don't know the future. And it's with Allah. And our duty is to give them the best that we can while we can. So we choose the Islamic school.

Well of course, we should strive to upgrade those Islamic schools. I'm not saying just leave the school as it is. We see the academics are low. What do we do? We just say, okay, mashallah. No, we should tell them and advise them. This is our duty to tell them, listen, why should our Islamic schools be of inferior academics? They shouldn't be.

In some countries in the Muslim world and in the non-Muslim world where there are Muslim schools, these Muslim schools are at the top. They compete with the top private schools, the top institutions in the country. Their students win the top prizes. It can be. Their students win the top prizes. It can be.

So it's not a must that Islamic schools have to be of inferior academics. But I'm just saying, if that's what's in front of us, then we know we have to make the right choice to create the right environment for our children.

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Seventh Habit: Systematic Discipline

The seventh habit is that we have to have a systematic method of disciplining our children. It has to be systematic. On one hand, we say it's the right of children that they be disciplined properly. On one hand, we should avoid hitting as much as possible.

In fact, some scholars say that children shouldn't even be hit until they're at the age of 10. Because Prophet (peace be upon him) mentioned that same hadith I mentioned earlier, that you should teach your children salah when they're 7 and spank them for it when they're 10.

So they said, salah is the most important thing. And if we're not allowed to spank them for the most important thing until they're 10, then for lesser, things of lesser importance, surely we shouldn't spank them until they're 10. This is ijtihad, right? A reasoning.

And parents, practically speaking, raising kids, often find, even those parents who raise good and righteous kids, often find that you may have to hit them before they're 10. But the point is that it should be done properly, as a last resort. Not as the first resort. Not when you're angry, you know.

So the child learns, avoid mom or dad when they're angry. They didn't learn, don't do this. They learn, just avoid them when you see red in their eyes, lay low. Be good. No. You should be consistent in how you deal with them.

And, on one hand, we apply discipline where necessary. And of course, in this environment where your children can be taken away from you, if they're found to be hit, you have to be very prudent in how you apply this.

On the other hand, we have to use what they call positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement meaning, reward them for it. Let them feel that there is good in being good. And part of being able to discipline them systematically is knowing the characteristics of children in the early years.

People have studied this. Children at the age of two, they become rebellious. They call it the terrible twos. Well known. At three, they love to play a lot. At four, they ask many questions and they want answers. At five, they love to imitate and copy. At six, they like to stand out and be noticed. And so on and so forth.

At different ages, you find different characteristics appearing. So, if you are aware of them, then you can deal with them in the appropriate manner. You can understand this is natural for children to develop these characteristics at these times.

So therefore, you work with them. You don't just wonder, where did this come from? Satan has you. Let's exercise him. Get some sticks and beat them. No, no. Listen, this is natural developments.

All children go through these. I know myself, a lot of people come to me with these issues. I think a jinn has got my kid. No, no. It's not a jinn as your kid, as your child is just going through its natural stages. And we should learn it.

We should know about children. How can you raise kids if you don't really know how they are, how they develop? So, it is important to have this kind of knowledge in order to be able to discipline them effectively.

Conclusion: Self-Reflection for Parents

So, these and there are others are some of the primary habits of those parents who have successfully raised children. It is important for us to try those of us that are raising children currently or plan to raise children or who have raised children, we need to look back and see how do we fit on this scale?

Were we pious parents? Were we righteous parents ourselves that we should wonder why did our children turn out like this? So, where did that come from? What kind of behavior is this? Where did it come from? Do we deserve righteous children?

Did we make dua for our children? Or did we just let things happen as they happen? We didn't trust in Allah. We didn't turn to Allah. Were we good examples ourselves in terms of their behavior? And were we loving, compassionate and caring? Were we attached to our children? Or did we deal with them in a detached manner? So, our children couldn't even speak to us. They can't come to us with their problems. We're in one valley and they're in another.

Did we educate them Islamically? Did we give them what they needed to be able to understand Islam and to practice it? And did we create for them a positive environment? An environment which you could say a righteous child should be raised in such an environment.

So, when we have an unrighteous child in front of us we can say, this was an exception, this is a test from Allah. Allah has put this test on me. We can honestly say that and not really say, we have in fact produced this child. We are the ones who created that environment, that negative environment in which the child was raised.

And finally, we have to ask ourselves, were we consistent in how we disciplined our children? Or did we brutalize them? Did they grow up to hate us? Because we, when we're upset, would beat them, as they say, beat them to a beating they would never forget. We tell them, you'll never forget this beating here.

Did we do that? Did we scar their minds? So in fact, yes, they never forgot. And they still look at us and shake their heads. What kind of parents were we?

I ask Allah to guide us to understand our responsibility as parents to raise a generation of righteous children. To not repeat the mistakes that our parents made, that the earlier generation made. And that if we made the mistake with one, then we try to correct ourselves with the other.

Doesn't matter if the one says, but when I was that age, you used to beat me for that. You used to do this. You used to do that. Well okay, tell them, I'm sorry. You know, it wasn't really right. I'm trying to do the right thing now. It's never too late to learn.

Closing

Insha Allah, that is all the time that we have available. And though there are questions which have piled up, and I'm sure you probably have a number of other questions you'd like to ask too. But we'll have to save those for tonight in the panel session.

Insha Allah, we'll try to answer as much of those questions as possible.

End of Lecture