Confidence & self esteem in Islam
By Abdul Rahman Chao | 2026-01-15T10:16:42.959857+00:00 | Topic: Muslim Identity
Confidence and Self-Esteem in Islam
By Abdurahman Chao
Introduction and Conduct Guidelines
Before we begin, make sure that you keep all your kids next to your side. Turn off all cell phones. That includes no texting, because texting constitutes talking, and if you text, you break your khutbah.
The Story of Adam and the Angels' Initial Skepticism
After Allah created Adam (peace be upon him), we all know that the angels, prior to this creation of Adam, they were a little skeptical. They said:
"Oh Allah, are you going to create something on earth that's going to cause mischief and is going to spread blood on earth?"
And the reason why the angels thought this way, brothers and sisters, is because they thought that since they are the ones who glorify Allah, who do not make any mistakes, who do not disobey Allah, and who do not sin, then why would Allah create something that could be of lower quality than them?
So Allah tells the angels:
"I know what you do not know."
So after Allah says this to the angels, Iblis is very quiet, he still has not said anything yet. At least the angels, they spoke up. But Iblis kept it to himself.
The Prostration to Adam and Allah's Test
And then after that, after Adam (peace be upon him) is given life, Allah tells the angels to make sajdah to Adam (peace be upon him). And we all know the story in which Iblis, he rebels against Allah.
After this episode, the angels thought to themselves, well, we have to show respect to Adam, we make sajdah to him, but it doesn't mean that he knows better than us. This is what the angels thought. We have been longer in existence than Adam. We have been alive for tens and thousands of years, what would he know?
So what did Allah do? Allah teaches Adam everything, the name of every single angel, the name of everything on earth, and every creation. And then Allah brings all of that in front of the angels, and He says to them, tell me what are these things? And the angels, they were unable to name everything.
And then Allah tells Adam, why don't you name them?
Allah taught Adam all the names of the creation. And then He presents those things to the angels, and then He says, you tell me, all of you angels, what are these things? And they weren't able to, so Allah asks Adam, and Adam names them one by one.
And following that, Allah tells the angels again:
"Did I not tell you that I know what is hidden in the heavens and the earth? And I know what you say out loud, in other words, oh you angels, I know what you mean when you ask these questions, and I also know what you hide inside of you."
This is response to Iblis. Because until then, he hasn't said anything yet. So he was hiding that pride inside of him. And then after that, we know that episode, in which Iblis, he rebels against Allah, and he's expelled.
Two Forms of Honor Given to Adam
But in this story, there are two important points that we have to think about. And that is Allah gave Adam respect by asking the angels to prostrate to Adam. So there is first the bodily respect.
And then Allah honored and dignifies Adam (peace be upon him), with knowledge that even the angels did not know of. And so guess what happened? Allah tells Adam, don't eat from this tree. Because if you eat from this tree, something is going to happen that's not going to be good.
The Consequences of Forgetting
And we know, he ate from the tree. After he eats from the tree, what happens? Him and his wife, they both find out that they are now unclothed. And what caused Adam (peace be upon him) to eat from the tree? It is because he did something or he forgot.
Or to be more accurate, he forgot. And that is why the two opposite themes to knowledge is what? Ignorance and forgetfulness. So in one action, Adam (peace be upon him), through his ignorance and forgetfulness, he just made himself lose self-esteem.
He made himself lose self-respect now. After Allah had ordered the angels to make sajdah to him. What is the punishment after that? Because he ate from the tree, he became unclothed. After Allah taught him all those things, and yet he still forgot.
The Source of True Self-Esteem
So what do we get from this story, brothers and sisters? What we learn from this is that in order for you to have a healthy image of yourself, in order to have a positive image of yourself, that positivity only comes from Allah. Allah is the one who honored Adam (peace be upon him), in his form and in knowledge.
"And to Allah does all glory belong to Him. And then to the Prophet and to the believers."
Allah has created every single one of you in a beautiful way and in a beautiful color and in a beautiful shape.
The Temptation to Look Elsewhere
But why is it, brothers and sisters, that when the Lord of the Universe gives us this honor, we as humans are still tempted to go look at something else and still feel bad about ourselves. Adam was given everything in the garden. You can have everything except for that tree.
But he had to go for something that was not meant for him. Because he eats from this tree, his body becomes shamed, right? His body becomes shamed, unclothed, and as a result, it shows his ignorance and his forgetfulness.
The Crisis of Muslim Self-Image Today
So what happened, brothers and sisters? Where are we today? Why is it that our teenagers and even ourselves as parents, why have we constantly thinking bad about ourselves? Why have we relegated ourselves to such a low status?
They are ashamed of saying that they are a Muslim. They are ashamed of telling their boss that they have to go to Jum'ah. And whenever, brothers and sisters, we seek dignity and honor from other than Islam, Allah will disgrace us.
Where do you get your pride from? Is it Arab nationalism? Is it black pride? Is it white supremacy? Where do you get your self-esteem from, brothers and sisters? And that is why, brothers and sisters, in this time and age, so many Muslims today, they suffer from a negative image of themselves because they do not understand that they have the greatest thing with them and that is Islam.
And yet they feel so down about themselves.
The Psychology of Low Self-Esteem
Brothers and sisters, the reason, the biggest reason from a psychoanalytical perspective of why people think bad about themselves is because they look at another image, they look at another idea, they look at another concept and they think that they have to match that. And if they don't reach that concept or they don't come close to it, then they are at loss.
Then they are the loser. Sometimes, brothers and sisters, people derive their self-esteem from their own achievements. Ya'ani? In other words, they rely only on their achievements in order to feel good.
The Parable of Two Men in Surah Al-Kahf
You look in the Qur'an in Surah Al-Kahf, Allah tells us about two people who had an argument. One was given lots of wealth, lots of children.
"I have more wealth and I have more children than you."
And he was being proud. Well, who gave you that wealth? Who gave you those children? Allah is the one who gives you respect. Allah is the one that gives you a sense of self-esteem.
And when you start thinking, (نفسي نفسي - nafsi nafsi) it is my own accomplishment. That's when you start slipping. If we can have other brothers fill in the gaps and move forward.
We have so many gaps around.
The Athlete Analogy: Being Muslim is a Complete Way of Life
Brothers and sisters, if you take a picture or if you were to look at a picture or look at a glimpse of the life that an athlete has to live through. Let's take for example, professional football, right? Or for many of you, soccer.
Do you think that simply being an excellent soccer player is only about knowing how to kick the ball? What makes someone a good athlete? What makes you a Muslim? You go to some parts of China, and you ask the Muslims there, what does it mean to be a Muslim? They will tell you, to be a Muslim means not to eat pork. Or to be a Muslim, it means not to kill anybody.
Last week I was in Memphis, and we had one speaker there who came here a few weeks ago for our conference. And he was talking to the kids. You hear this one rapper by the name of Lupe Fiasco, and he's singing about how you are not a Muslim if you murder. But the question is, is that the only thing? And then you have all these people looking at the media, and you see Muslims going and killing each other.
What does it mean to be a Muslim? Let's go back to the question. Is being a good soccer player simply one person who knows how to shoot the ball and kick the ball into the goal? Or is it a whole mentality? Or is being a Muslim a whole way of life? As we all like to say, but we don't do.
To be a good athlete, you have to eat healthy, you have to go to your practice, right? You have to listen to your coach, you have to make new strategies, you have to constantly change yourself so you can be a better player.
To be a Muslim is not a constant state that you are in. That once you are a Muslim, that's it. You don't have to do anything after that.
To be a Muslim, brothers and sisters, is to have a bigger picture of what it means to be a Muslim for yourself, your family, and the society at large.
Finding the Balance: Confidence Without Arrogance
So brothers and sisters, the first step to cultivating good self-esteem, positive thoughts about yourself, and I'm not talking about becoming arrogant, I'm talking about lifting our spirits from simply always feeling down about ourselves to a level where we can move forward.
And that is why, brothers and sisters, some people they think that in order to have a good body image, you have to talk trash about yourself. That if you talk garbage about yourself, that makes you humble. You'll find some teenagers today, even adults, they like to talk garbage about themselves. They will say things like, I'm poor, I'm ignorant, I'm this, I'm this, I'm this.
So do something about it. It's easy to complain and say, I am this, this, this, this. But why do you not make a change? And so that is why in order to find the balance of a healthy self-image, brothers and sisters, you need to have a balanced amount of confidence.
Too much confidence, brothers and sisters, will lead you to arrogance. And too little confidence will make you into a coward. And right now, what we need from Muslims, and to be honest with you, brothers and sisters, we cannot afford, and listen carefully, we cannot continue to afford to have Muslims in our community who don't want to change.
The Need for Knowledge and Action
You're dragging the ummah down. You have to continue to increase your knowledge. Your goal of getting to Jannah, this life is your vehicle to that goal. And the fuel that will make your vehicle go forward on the road to Jannah, is you have to have what? You have to have knowledge. And if you don't have knowledge, then you're not gonna go anywhere. That car you have is not gonna go anywhere.
The Can-Do Attitude of the Prophet and Companions
Number two, brothers and sisters, after we just spoke about making our intentions right, and having
the right mindset, you have to also have the can-do attitude. Look at the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), look at the difficulties that he experienced. Despite the tragedies, even when they were trying to murder him in his own house, in his own bed, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) always had the can-do attitude.
You look at the muhajireen, the people who emigrated to Medina. Yes, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) made one of the ansar a brother to one of the muhajir. And the ansari, he would say to the emigrant, he would say to him, take half of my wealth.
But what was the response of the muhajireen? Was it, you know what? Jazakallah khair. Yes, I am miskeen. I am a pitiful, pathetic individual. Please, jazakallah khairan. What did they say?
(Bukhari)
"Show me the marketplace."
And in three days, many of the muhajireen, they became successful traders just in three days. They weren't constantly feeling pity for themselves, feeling sorry for themselves, feeling that everybody is the enemy.
Avoiding the Victim Mentality
And that's what one of the telltale signs of low self-esteem, is that we like to blame everybody. A big victim of this, brothers and sisters, is that we as Muslims like to talk about how the non-Muslims are always the cause for everything. And we never ask ourselves of what we have done. Oh, it's always a conspiracy.
Those kuffar, they are doing this. They are planning that. But we never ask ourselves, what have we done.
The Lesson of Taqwa from Umar ibn al-Khattab
Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him), he was one time in a conversation with Ubay ibn Ka'b (may Allah be pleased with him). And he said to him, what is taqwa like? How do you become someone who has taqwa? To be God-conscious.
And so, Ubay ibn Ka'b said to Umar ibn al-Khattab, have you ever passed through a way, there are a lot of thorns, a lot of plants that have thorns on it, that will make your footsteps or your trek through this place very very difficult? He said, yes.
And what did you do about it? Umar ibn al-Khattab, he said, well, if I was on a certain path, where there are a lot of thorns, shammartu wajtahattu, I would roll up my sleeves and I would struggle. Look
at the mindset of Umar ibn al-Khattab. He didn't say, well, I will wait until the plants die out for the next season, and then I will walk through.
What did he say? He knows there is difficulty in front of him, so he says, shammartu, I roll up my sleeves, and I struggle through it. And he said, that is how you have to struggle for yourselves, brothers and sisters. You can't simply just sit there, and wait for Allah to change you.
Body Image and Islamic Identity
Brothers and sisters, going back to the story of Adam (peace be upon him). There is no doubt that we as humans, we are very very self-conscious about our body image. There is no doubt about this. The proof is that when Allah told Adam not to eat from the fruit, and after Adam and Eve they ate from the fruit, what did they do? They became unclothed.
And they felt embarrassed about it. They felt self-conscious about their bodies. So they started to take what? The leaves, and cover themselves. They were self-conscious of their own bodies. Yes, we as humans, we are self-conscious. But Allah has given you something better, brothers and sisters.
Allah has adorned you men with beards, and adorned you women with hijab. So when someone comes and says, and so when someone comes and he starts feeling bad about themselves, and thinking that Islamic wear, a wear of modesty, something that Allah has given us, is something to be ashamed of, they got something wrong in their head.
When you feel ashamed to grow your beard, even if it's just a little bit, you have a problem. Why would you think that it's ugly? The sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is never ugly. Allah has given you all of these things. But when we start looking at what the society tells us of what is good looking, and what is beautiful, and what is handsome, what happens? We lose our own respect for ourselves.
The Connection Between Confidence and Good Character
More importantly, they say that when people are confident, if you look at anyone who's confident, brothers and sisters, in a healthy way, people who are confident in a healthy way, you find them usually to be of very good manners, of very good akhlaq. And likewise, a lot of people you find who have very low self-esteem, they usually have akhlaq that needs to be improved.
Because these things, brothers and sisters, Allah has given us, these are the things that will give us self-esteem. Following the sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) will give you self-esteem. Believing that you have the best religion and the only one religion, that is where you get your self-esteem from.
So that is why, brothers and sisters, remember that all dignity and honor comes from Allah. If you want it, if you want to have self-respect and self-esteem, you have to ask for it from Allah.
The Principle of Rise and Fall
Brothers and sisters, for you to think about when it comes to having a healthy dose of respect for yourself, is that nothing is perfect. Everything that goes up must come down.
During the time of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to have this donkey or a camel, and he would change between them sometimes.
But there was this one time where the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was riding his animal, and he was racing with the companions. And none of the companions could ever beat the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) in this race.
And after that, there was this man who came out of the desert, and he raced the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), and he beat the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). And so the companions, they started saying, they started to say things like, Oh, we feel kind of bad for the Rasul. We feel kind of sad that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) lost this race.
What did the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) say? He said, Haqqun ala Allah. It is Allah's right that whatever goes up must come down. When you see other people having success, you should not think bad about yourself.
Just because they are having success, that success is not forever. Now, it doesn't mean that you're wishing evil for them. It's just saying, everybody is gonna get their two seconds of fame. Maybe it's not your time yet. So don't be a hater. Don't be jealous and make yourself feel bad about it and see everyone else.
The Verse About Change
Brothers and sisters, we all know how so many people like to politicize the ayah in the Quran. They like to explain this verse when it comes to politics. The ayah is:
"Allah does not change the condition of a group of people until they change what is within themselves."
And a lot of time people like to think of this as the collapse of the Muslim ummah and how we have to improve ourselves. That is there too. But the ayah is much more broad than that. It's broader than that. It says لا يغير ما بقوم Allah does not change a group of people. He didn't say a nation.
It means any group of people who share common traits. So when you have a group of losers who keep hating themselves and thinking that they are not deserving of anything and pushing themselves to the sidelines, Allah is not gonna change them. Allah is not gonna give victory.
Allah is not gonna bless you if you keep thinking evil about yourself. Allah will not change those people until they change what within themselves. Until you start finding honor and dignity in Islam and practicing it, then victory is still a long way to come.
The Heart as the Center of Change
Brothers and sisters, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), he tells us that there is a piece of flesh in this body. If it is good, then the body is good. If it is bad, then the body is corrupt. And he said, it is the heart. (Bukhari and Muslim)
If your heart, brothers and sisters, is filled with hatred, with jealousy, as well as negative image of oneself, there is no room. There is no room for improvement yet. You have to clean that out. You have to remove that from your heart. You have to ask Allah. You have to want it.
Media Influence on Women
When it comes to sisters, the sisters are very familiar about how the media bombards them with images of what it means to be beautiful. But you do not find any of that stuff from the Quran and the Sunnah, that a woman has to be of a certain waistline, that she has to dress in a certain way in order to be a diva, in order to be a woman with respect.
Someone asked that Yemeni Peace Prize winner, there was this woman from Yemen, she recently won a Nobel Peace Prize. They asked her about the hijab. They said to her, don't you think that's kind of like back then, barbarian old times.
You know what her response was? Her response was, no. When it was those days, people did not wear any clothes. And as people got more and more educated, they put more clothes on their bodies. So me wearing hijab shows that I have more intellect. Look at this response, brothers and sisters.
Someone who really understands and appreciates what Allah has given them.
Two Key Questions for Self-Assessment
Brothers and sisters, another point is, you can only understand and respect yourself and appreciate what Allah has given you by two things. Number one, what is your relationship with Allah? On a scale of 1 to 10, ask yourself right now. 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, what do you give yourself when it comes to relationship of Allah? If you scored 8 or below, keep working on it.
Number two, what do you give back to the society? How much do you give back to the society? How much do you give back to the people? How much do you care about the homeless people? How much do you show the care to the neighborhood? How much care do you have for the people who are marginalized? Rank yourself between 1 and 10. If you are less than 5, you will never find self- esteem if these two things, your relationship with Allah and how much you give back are low. You can never find self-esteem.
The Problem of Complaining Without Action
You look at those people who are successful. They open up a homeless shelter. Or they are able to beat incredible odds, brothers and sisters. And they make a mark for themselves. Do you ever find those people being negative about themselves?
But in this time and age, brothers and sisters, whenever we ask Muslims, whenever we ask Muslims for suggestions and complaints, you're gonna get a trillion complaints and a trillion problems. Oh, this is wrong, this is wrong, that is wrong, this needs improvement, that needs improvement.
And they will spend the time to come and complain to you about these problems. But when you ask them, well, why don't you come and help us do something about it? Brother, I don't have time. What? You don't have time?
The Role of Parents in Building Self-Esteem
And the last thing, brothers and sisters, parents, you are so responsible in the eyes of Allah of how you shape your child's esteem. Many parents, they talk to their kids, especially fathers, they only talk to their kids when their kid is in trouble. Mom can't handle a problem, what does she do? She calls the police. Who? The po-po's who? The dad.
That's the only time the son gets to talk to the father. So the only time you speak to your child is when you want to discipline them. And when the child comes to the parent and says to them, I have a problem with something, we have to make the effort to listen to them.
If you don't listen to them, who's going to listen to them? You gave birth to them. We see kids, we see our own kids, when they make a mistake, parents, you have to put yourself in front of a mirror. You should see how some parents react to these kids.
You are so this, I told... And out comes those negative words. You are this animal, you are that animal, you are so this, you are so that. You are destroying your own child's self-esteem. If you call your children by the names of different animals, you gave birth to them.
And so that is why, brothers and sisters, parents, your role is to listen and nurture. Many times parents like to abuse the Qur'an, abuse the sunnah and tell their kids لازم تسمع كلامي because I am the
parent. You have to listen to me because I am the parent. But it's also in the Qur'an where the parents have to listen to the kids. You have to pay attention, you have to pay attention to what they're saying.
You have to know what is going on within them. Because if you start making fun of them, and calling them names, and calling them stupid, you are destroying their self-esteem.
Shaitan's Role in Destroying Self-Esteem
Brothers and sisters, Shaitan is the one who loves to put your self-esteem way below you. He loves to do that. He likes to make you feel so insecure about yourselves.
"Shaitan likes to go and tell people, if you donate, you're gonna get poor. If you donate, then stuff is gonna happen to you. Then your family is gonna be poor. Then they're going to have to beg, and you're gonna lose your dignity."
Don't let Shaitan, brothers and sisters, take your self-esteem into the garbage can. Because that is what Iblis tried to do to Adam. Can you imagine Adam waking up with life? All the angels are prostrating, except this jinn standing over there, Iblis.
No, I don't need to prostrate. Why should I prostrate? He is created from dirt. I'm created from fire. And Iblis swore, before he met any of you, he swore that he's gonna drag every single one of you down there. So you have to know. You have to know that if you want to have good positive image of yourself, you have to seek it from Allah and seek protection from Shaitan.
Seeking Help from Allah
A man came to a scholar one time, and he said to him, or a scholar was talking to this one man, and they were talking about it. He said, what would you do if you saw a dog come and bark at you? He said, I would take a rock and I would throw it at. I'm not advocating for animal abuse.
He said, I would just shoo the dog away. He said, what if he barks at you again? He said, I would do it again. And then he said, what if he does it again after that? He said, I will go and call the owner of this dog to tell this dog to stop barking.
Allah is the owner of these shayateen. He can take care of them. You don't need to worry about it. You just need to make sure that you ask Allah for help for whatever that is you want to do.
Moving Forward with Conviction
Whenever you want to do something good, don't let the haters come and say to you, oh brother, you can't do anything about it. Who are you?
"If you have true conviction and you're about to go do something good, then do it."
Don't let shaitan pull you down.