Saving Families

Changing the Course: Saving Families by Sh. Abdul Nasir Jangda

The Prophet's Final Message About Family

In the narration of Sahih Muslim, an authentic hadith of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم while the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was on his deathbed, and he was departing from this world, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم told the companions, and left a message for the ummah, and he said:

(Muslim hadith 2408)

My family, I beseech you, I ask you, in the name of God, for the sake of Allah, take care of my family.

A second time he said, I ask you for the sake of Allah, please take care of my family.

And a third time once again he said, I ask you please, in the name of Allah, please look after my family.

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم he tells us in a prophetic tradition, in authentic narration, that:

(Tirmidhi hadith 3895)

The best amongst you is the one who is best to his family, and I'm the best to my family.

This was something the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم did not just say. It wasn't a slogan that he used, because it was good marketing, or it was great branding, or it was good for fundraising, or because it sounded politically correct, or because it was a good thing, it was a good instrument to use in debating and arguing with other people.

When he was on his deathbed and leaving this world, he turned to his companions, he turned to his community, he left a message for all of eternity, and he said, please, I ask you in the name of Allah, take care of my family. He loved his family and he cherished his family.

The Story of the Persian Neighbor

There's a hadith in which the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم authentic narration. There was a man who lived a few homes down from the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. The man was of Persian descent. He was from Persia, he was Farsi. And he used to make a type of broth that the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was very fond of.

He liked it very much. It was different. Not what the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was accustomed to eating, and he enjoyed it.

So one day the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم saw him and he said that, what is it friend? You haven't made that food for me in a very long time. You know how you would tell your neighbor, your friend, what's going on buddy? You haven't invited me over for some barbecue in a long time. He said, you haven't made that food for me in quite some time.

So the man thought about it and he said, the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم wants me to make something for him and he asks me for it. That's it. He went home, he got all the supplies and he started cooking.

Now these were the early days of Medina and a lot of people didn't have a lot of wealth. The Sahaba were struggling so he wasn't able to make a lot. He was able to make just a little.

And he comes over to the home of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم to his house and he knocks on his door. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that day was at the home of Aisha رضي الله تعالى عنها his beloved wife Aisha. He was at her home and the man knocks on the door and the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم answers the door.

What's going on? And the man says, I was able to make you some of that food that you are so fond of. If you would like to come to my home and share it with me. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم says, here's the problem, I'd love to, I asked you for some earlier, I'd love to, but I have plans tonight.

I have plans. Tonight I'm spending time, I'm hanging out, I'm having dinner with Aisha. So I'm sorry, but I can't come.

The man, very disappointed, he wants the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم to come to his home and eat his food, he leaves. He comes back a little while later, knocks on the door. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم answers the door again, yes, what can I do for you? The man's like, can you please come over for just a little bit, just a few minutes, five minutes, ten minutes.

Aisha, she'll get to spend all the rest of the time with you. Just ten minutes, come over, eat a little bit, it'll be a great blessing for me. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said, tonight I have plans with Aisha.

This is her time. I can't. Thanks, but no thanks.

The man leaves, he comes back a third time, and then he knocks again. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم opens the door again, it's him again, but he doesn't get angry. Yes, friend, how can I help you? He says, what if I invite both you and Aisha over? Both of you all come on over.

Is that okay? Now you would think the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is going to say, yeah, great. No, no, he says, I have to ask Aisha. It's her time. I promised her this evening. And the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم asks Aisha رضي الله عنها would you like to go? She said, yeah, that'd be great. And so then he tells him, he says, okay, both of us will come.

And they went there, they ate there, and then they came back home together.

The Profound Lesson

Now why did I tell this story? Sounds like a pretty straightforward, basic, simple story. But think about how profound it is.

It is Muhammad Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم. And date night, time set aside only for his wife. No interruptions, no responsibilities, no obligations. Look how seriously he takes it.

Because if you stand there and you announce to all of humanity:

If you announce that to everyone, that the best amongst you is the one who's the best to his family, and I'm the best to my family. And then when you tell your spouse, because you're the Messenger of Allah, you're the busiest human being of all time. And then you tell your spouse, tomorrow night is just us.

We're gonna have a nice, quiet, intimate dinner, just the two of us. And the second someone shows up, you're like, hey, okay, I gotta go, I'll be right back, alright? Then that's not consistent with your message. That's how seriously he took it.

That's what I mean by it's not rhetoric. It's not sloganeering.

Taking Responsibility

In the description, the description of this talk, it talks a little bit about how there are all these other isms and movements that are destroying the Muslim family.

Allow me just a moment of brutal honesty. There are movements, there are forces, external things at work, that are eroding and eating away at the institution of family. But do not blame your terrible family situation on some external movement.

That's not how it works. You have a bad marriage because you are not good at being a husband or a wife. You fail with your children. Your children don't listen to you because you're not a good parent. And I'm not trying to like, pick on people when I say that. May Allah protect all of our families.

Say ameen. But this is the greatest trap of shaitan:

(Quran 53:32)

This is the greatest trap of shaitan. I do something wrong, who can I blame? I do something wrong, who can I blame? I never spend any time with my kids, it's feminism. I never spend any time at home, liberalism. Liberalism is destroying our homes today.

No, maybe the fact that you treat your home like a hotel. You treat your wife like the front desk person at a hotel. You treat your children like they're the hotel staff.

Maybe that has a little bit about to do with why your family is struggling. Did you ever think about that?

Examples from the Prophet's Life

And look at all these stories from the life of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. Some of the most beautiful stories where the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم races with Aisha. Where he goes home after receiving revelation and holds the hand of Khadijah while he's shaking and shivering and saying, what am I going to do, ya Khadijah? What am I going to do?

When he's standing there and Aisha wants to watch the visiting Abyssinians do their like display of skills and arts. And she stands behind him and she puts her face next to his face right here. Cheek to cheek. And stands there and watches.

When he gets invited to go eat at his neighbor's house and he says, I'm sorry, I'm having dinner with my wife. When he is giving khutbah on Friday. Khutbah al-Jumu'ah.

He's giving khutbah on Friday. And his son, his grandson Hassan رضي الله تعالى عنه was a little boy at that time. Little boy.

And when little kids see grandpa, right? When they see their grandfather, when they see papi, when they see him, they don't understand what's going on or not going on. They don't even care what's going on or not going on. They just see his grandpa.

So he sees his grandfather and he gets excited. He runs up to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم while the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is giving khutbah. And he holds his arms out because he wants to be picked up.

So the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم pauses the khutbah, steps down from the minbar, he picks him up and he hugs him and he kisses him. And then he turns to the masjid that is full of people and he says:

(Bukhari hadith 3746)

This boy of mine, this son of mine, he's a leader.

And then the kid, Hassan رضي الله تعالى عنه wants to be put back down. He puts him back down and he runs off. And then the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم goes back up on the minbar and continues the khutbah.

When the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is praying salah at home and he's watching, he's babysitting his grandsons, Hassan and Hussain رضي الله تعالى عنهما . And they climb on to the back. They climb on to his back when he's in sujood. And he doesn't get up so that they don't fall.

They're little boys. And so they climb on to his back and he stays in sujood longer for a few extra minutes until they finally get off so that they don't fall. In salah, when you're talking to God, when you're praying to Allah, but he's considerate of the fact that his grandkids, his sons, are climbing on his back.

Quality Time Over Material Things

Like all of these stories, in which of these stories does it talk about the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is giving them something? Is he giving them things? Is he buying them nice things? Clothes and shoes? Phones and computers? Cars and stuff? Is he buying them things? No.

He's spending quality time with them. He's sharing experiences with them. He's interacting with them. That's what he's doing.

A lot of times, we use as an excuse for not spending quality time with our own family members, whether it be our elderly parents, or it be our spouses, or it be our children. A lot of times, the excuse that we have is well, we're trying to provide for them. We're trying to make sure that they have a good life. They have a nice home.

They go to a private school. They have nice clothes, nice shoes, nice stuff. They get to go to the nicest colleges and universities, and then there's nothing wrong with all of that.

But note this much. If you sacrifice knowing them, spending time with them, having experiences with them, sharing moments with them, for the sake of all of these things, these things will make no difference. These things do not ensure that you have a relationship with your family.

If I pay my parents' bills, but I cannot make five minutes to sit down and talk to them, it's not worth anything. And your parents will tell you themselves, I don't care about these things. What I want is for you to spend some time with me.

The Relationship with Fatima

And that's the example of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . All the narrations that you can find about the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم demonstrate this fact. When Fatima, the daughter of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم when she used to come to visit the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم he used to get up, he would go and greet her at the door, he would hug her, he would kiss her, then he would hold her hand, and then he would walk back to where he was sitting, and then he would sit down and make her sit next to him, and he would hold her hand while he sat there. That was his relationship with this baby girl Fatima.

One of the last people to have a personal intimate conversation with the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) was Fatima. When he was on his deathbed, the night before he passed away, and Fatima (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا) came to see him. Aisha says, we were all gathered around.

There was this ominous, you know, feeling in the room. Everyone was in tears. And then the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) he had his eyes closed because he was in so much pain and fever.

And he opened his eyes and he looked at the door. And we all turned and we looked at what he was staring at, and it was Fatima. And then like the seas parted, and Fatima (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا) came in.

And Aisha says, if you ever saw Fatima in person, when she walked, when she talked, you knew immediately she was the daughter of the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ). It was like you were looking at the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ). And she came and she sat down next to the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ). And she held his hand and she started to cry, Why does my father have to suffer?

And he told her, Why are you crying, beloved daughter? After today, your father will suffer no more. And then he called her close and he whispered something into her ear. And she started to cry even more.

And then he called her close again and he whispered something into her ear a few minutes later. And she started to smile through her tears.

And then she kissed his hand and kissed his forehead, bid him farewell and left.

The next morning, the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) would pass away. A few weeks later, Aisha said, I waited. And then I asked Fatima (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا) Sayyida Fatima (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا) Can you please tell me, do you mind sharing what he said?

And she said that, I had not dealt with the reality that he was going to be leaving. I couldn't. She lost her mom when she was young. She lost, you know, all three of her older sisters. He's all I had left. But she said that, at that moment he first whispered to me, he said, Fatima, I am in fact leaving. This is it.

I've known since last Ramadan, when I reviewed the Quran not once but twice with Jibril. I knew that. So I am going, Fatima. You need to be ready for this. And I started to cry.

And then when he called me close again, he said, however, oh Fatima, you will be the first of my family to come and join me. We're all gonna be together again soon. And she said, that's why I smiled. And six months, exactly six months to the day, Fatima (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا) passed away.

Fatima (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا) she got up. She took a ghusl, a bath of purification. She put on clean clothes. She lied down in her bed. She said the shahada, closed her eyes and passed away. But this was a relationship that they had.

It wasn't built or predicated on things. It was built on the time, the experiences, the moments, the conversations that they shared together. That's our deen.

This is Our Religion

This, what I'm saying, this message right here, very much could sound like it's coming from a family therapist or a counselor. They would probably say the same thing. But this is our deen.

This is not me trying to fit something into the deen that does not belong from the deen. I'm quoting to you hadith after hadith after hadith of the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ). This is our religion. This is the fiqh of family.

That this is how it's done. And I want to say again with something I touched upon earlier. The real enemy is always internal not external. Your nafs is harder to defeat than shaitan is. And shaitan is harder to overcome than anybody else. But your nafs is harder to defeat than even shaitan.

Our own internal demons, our own internal problems. Negligence is the real destroyer of families in our communities. And all the other isms, all the other movements, the liberalism and whatever else that's going on today.

That's fine. It is problematic. I agree. It is problematic. But let's not delude ourselves by looking for someone to pin the blame on. No, no, no.

We are our own enemy at times. We have to take responsibility. We will have better homes. We will have better families. We will stop talking about the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) and his life like it's just a slogan. We're going to stop using this deen for marketing and advertising and campaigning.

Live it. Live it. And we're going to start implementing the life of the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) in our lives, in our families, and in our homes, in our communities and in our societies.

Closing Dua

May Allah (جَلَّ جَلَالُهُ) preserve and protect all of our families. Say ameen. May Allah (جَلَّ جَلَالُهُ) allow us to build good, strong homes and families.

Those who have families, may Allah (جَلَّ جَلَالُهُ) keep them together. Those who have been separated from their families, may Allah (جَلَّ جَلَالُهُ) reunite them. Those who are by themselves, may Allah (جَلَّ جَلَالُهُ) grant them loved ones and family.

And may Allah (جَلَّ جَلَالُهُ) reunite all of us together in Jannat al-Firdaws al-A'la, in the company of the Prophet (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) and his family.

"May Allah reward you [with] goodness, and peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you."