Sibling Rivalry

Khutbah: Sibling Rivalry - Islamic Guidance for Family Relations

Opening

Introduction: The Practical Nature of Islamic Guidance

What I wanted to just kind of demonstrate, if nothing else, just kind of share here today, was one little example. One little example of the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) in terms of improving family life. To show you how practical and how effective this guidance is from Allah and His Messenger in terms of family life.

It's a very, very common issue in families. Some could even say it's a very small little issue. But nevertheless, it's an issue that comes up and it's a very common issue.

The Issue of Sibling Rivalry

And that is sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry. I mean, for those who have brothers and sisters themselves, you know what I'm talking about.

For the parents that are here, who have more than one child, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Sibling rivalry. That kind of issue that occurs between brothers and sisters, constantly kind of going back and forth.

Whether it be competition, whether it be fighting, whether it be issues, whether it even be animosity, or jealousy, and envy, or whatever it may be. And to some level, sometimes it gets to such a level that it becomes outright hatred. They literally become enemies of one another.

And we've seen that. Horrible, terrible example. You've probably seen that some point in time in your life.

So this is a very common issue. It's almost like a part, it's like a human reality. Sibling rivalry.

Quranic Examples of Sibling Relationships

Do Allah and His Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) tell us anything about sibling rivalry? The Quran presents examples of siblings to us.

The Negative Example: Habil and Qabil

The Quran tells us about Habil and Qabil (Quran 5:27-31), the sons of Adam (عليه السلام). That there were sibling rivalry there. They quarreled with one another. They were jealous of each other. They fought with one another. And if it's not handled properly, if they can't put themselves in check, if they can't manage their situation with each other, how far can it get? That two sons of a prophet.

Sons of a prophet. Their father had no parents. What does that mean? Was there anything about... Their iman was automatic, wasn't it? To know that my father was created by the hands of God.

Just imagine what that means. Think about how solid their faith and their iman must have been. They knew my father was created by the hands of Allah.

My father has no parents. My father was directly created as a miracle, as a will and act of God. Think about what their iman must have been like.

But yet in spite of that, when they did not manage their relationship with each other properly, it led to the point of one killing the other. One, a brother, a sibling, a biological blood brother, killing his blood brother, his biological sibling. It can get that bad.

The Positive Example: Musa and Harun

The Quran presents this example. On the other hand, the Quran presents another example. The Quran presents the example of Musa and Harun (عليهما السلام). Now listen to this.

Musa (عليه السلام) is chosen by Allah. Is selected by Allah. Is spoken to by Allah. Is given a miracle in his hand by Allah. Is made a prophet and a messenger of God by Allah. Think about that.

What kind of honor and distinction that is. Now what does he decide to do with that? I can't wait to go and rub it in his face. Booyah, look at me now, son.

What now? Yeah, you had the nice car and the nice house. I'm a prophet. What else? Right? Is that what he decided to do with his prophethood? Is that what he decided to do with his nubuwwah? Is that what he decided to do with his very special relationship with Allah? Go and rub it in his brother's face.

Look at me. Is that what he decided to do? He's standing before Allah. He can ask for whatever he wants.

Musa's Dua: A Model of Humility

"My Lord, expand for me my chest and ease for me my task and untie the knot from my tongue that they may understand my speech."

He can ask Allah for whatever he wants. And what does he say right after that?

"And appoint for me a minister from my family - Harun (Aaron), my brother."

Allah, I'd love to have some backup. I'd love to have somebody on this journey with me. Somebody to handle this task with me. I could really use a team.

I could really use a teammate. My brother Harun. Think about that.

Not only that, standing in front of Allah, what does he say? He not only asks Allah to make Harun (عليه السلام), to make his brother Harun a prophet, a messenger along with him. Send him on this task as well. But he compliments his brother in front of Allah.

Not saying, Yeah, thank you very much Oh Allah for making me a prophet, a messenger. I know I'm really awesome and that's why you've chosen me. You selected me.

I won't let you down. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna take care of this.

My brother over here, it's a good thing you didn't choose him because he's kinda, you know. He didn't say that. He says, "Ya Allah, my brother Harun."

Standing in front of Allah, he says, Oh Allah, my brother Harun. He says, he is much more well-spoken than I am. He's saying that he's a better public speaker than I am.

He's literally saying he's much more proper in speech than I am. He's a lot more better, well-spoken than I am. Think about that.

He compliments his brother over himself.

"So send him with me as support to confirm me." So he says, Please send my brother with me as a prophet, as a messenger. Think about what that means.

The Lesson from the Positive Example

So that's an example of two brothers, two siblings, who stood by one another. They supported each other. They were firm by each other's side, hand in hand.

That is another example of siblings from the book of Allah. So you see the Quran gives us guidance in regards to managing relations. That instead of being jealous, being envious, being hating each other, that instead of being jealous of what the other has, and constantly obsessing about what the other sibling has and what I don't have, the Quran shows us a better example, gives us guidance with the example of Musa and Harun (عليهما السلام), that the Quran teaches us the way you manage, the way you can make sure you have a good relationship with your brothers and sisters, your siblings, is that when the other sibling, with your brother, with your sister, has something you don't have, don't be jealous of that, don't be envious of that, don't obsess about that.

Why does he have that? Why does she have that? And I don't have that. And don't let that hang over your head. Don't let that make you insecure and hateful and spiteful.

But rather congratulate them, appreciate what they have, and realize you have been blessed with something else. You have your own blessings, they have their own blessings, and get over the fact that they have something you don't have, learn to compliment them for what they have, learn to appreciate them for what they have, and congratulate them for what Allah has blessed them with, because at the end of the day, it's not yours and it's not theirs, it's Allah's. Every blessing is from Allah, every blessing belongs to Allah, everything belongs to Allah.

Allah created me, Allah created my sibling, Allah created my brother and my sister, Allah gave me the blessings I have, Allah gave them the blessings that they have. So let me congratulate them and thank Allah for blessing them, and let me thank Allah for blessing me. And this will go a lot further in terms of managing good relations amongst the siblings.

Guidance for Parents: Treating Children Fairly

At the same time, the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) gives parents, he gives parents guidance on how to manage their children's relationships with each other. I'm gonna say something here, and may Allah forgive me, and I ask you all to forgive me as well if I offend anyone, but a lot of times, in our short- sightedness as parents, we obsess about our children's relationship with us, to the point and to the extent, where sometimes we emphasize our children's relationship with us at the expense of their relationship with each other. Meaning what? That we are so focused on making sure that they do what we want them to do, what we would like them to do, that we will even pit them against each other.

Why can't you be like your brother? Why can't you be like your sister? Look at him, he's good, and you're dumb, and he's smart, and you're stupid. And the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, This might take a little bit, there's a couple of steps for me to work my way to this point, but stay with me. It might seem like I'm talking about something completely off track, but hang with me, I'll bring it right back to this point.

The Fiqh of Gift Giving

There's an issue in fiqh. Any classical book of fiqh, if you pick it up, there's a chapter in that book of fiqh, called Bab al-Hiba, in Kitab al-Buyur, in the book of transactions, exchanging and transactions, and things like that. There will oftentimes be a chapter on Bab al-Hiba.

Hiba means a gift. The book on gift giving. There's a fiqh to giving gifts.

Like, wow, seriously, you gotta make wudu before you give a gift? No, that's not what it means. It means just what issues could come up in terms of exchanging gifts. The biggest issue that that chapter usually, it's not a very lengthy chapter, the biggest issue that it focuses on is Ar-Rujoo fil-Hiba.

Ar-Rujoo fil-Hiba. Taking a gift back. That's the biggest issue that this book deals with.

Taking a gift back. I'm gonna go ahead and give you the general ruling. There's a lot of specific discussions about very, very specific scenarios, which are not relevant here.

The general overwhelming ruling, meaning for 99% of cases, it is not permissible to take a gift back once given. When you said, here you go, here's a gift for you, that's it. You don't take it back.

There's legal reasons, because there's an issue called tamleek. When you make somebody else the owner of something, you transfer ownership, it belongs to them now. When you said, this is for you, and that person says, jazakumullah khairan, thank you very much, I accept your gift and they take it into their hand, it now legally belongs to them.

Done. There's spiritual reasons for this as well. And the reason why it's impermissible in 99% of cases to take a gift back, the fundamental evidence for that ruling, for such an overwhelming ruling, is because there's a very clear hadith from the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم).

The Hadith About Taking Gifts Back

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says in a narration:

(Bukhari and Muslim)

"The one who takes back his gift is like one who swallows back his vomit."

If you speak Arabic, by this time you're already cringing.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says somebody who takes a gift back, after giving somebody a gift, somebody who goes and takes it back from that person, is like somebody who swallows their own vomit. Somebody who swallows their own vomit. Now there's different levels of this, and if you think I'm just being gross for the sake of being gross, I'm not.

The scholars of hadith have talked about this, whether it's talking about you kind of vomited into your mouth, and then just kind of swallowed it back, like, mm-mm, right? That's one level. There are more explicit narrations which actually talk about eating one's own vomit.

Like literally, which means that no, it actually was vomited out of the mouth and then that person eats it back up again. That's a very gross image, isn't it? Be very honest, isn't that disgusting? It is. The Quran gives a few examples like this. When the Quran talks about backbiting, it's like eating the flesh of your dead brother.

That's scary. Try to ever visualize somebody sitting there and eating like the flesh of their dead biological sibling. That's terrifying. That's Hannibal Lecter stuff. That's scary. So get the mental image of somebody