Happiness in the Home - Corrected Lecture
By Abdul Nasir Jangda | 2026-01-03T22:56:33.088511+00:00 | Topic: Relationships
Happiness in the Home
By Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda
Opening
In the name of Allah, and praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and upon his family and companions all.
The Importance of Family in Islam
One of the most important concepts within our religion, our deen, and this is something that the Quran talks about extensively. Something that is very, very prominent from the study of the life of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم, the prophetic biography, the Sirat al-Nabawiyah.
And similarly, this is something that is very extensively, very emphatically addressed by the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم in his sacred traditions, in the ahadith of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. And something that is a very obvious need of human beings, something that is a part of the human experience, and that is the issue of family.
And the issue of family is something that each and every single one of us address, each and every single one of us experience rather, each and every single one of us deal with in our own way, shape or form, but something that is relevant to each and every single human being. And when talking about the issue of family, I feel it's very, very important, it's crucial, it's critical for us.
The Quranic Approach to Problem-Solving
And when we look at any issue, any situation, such as the imam, the sheikh in the ayat that he recited within the prayer, he was talking about the issue of the concept of the belief in one Allah, believing in one God, one deity, the concept of tawhid, oneness of God. And what's very beautiful, what's very, very important to note about how Allah جل جلاله addresses the issue of tawhid within the Quran, Allah جل جلاله presents the problem to us:
It talks about, you know, the partners that you associate with Allah. The false gods, the false deities, the false idols that you have taken other than Allah.
And so, one very important way in addressing any situation, and one very consistent pattern throughout the Quran, throughout the teachings of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that we are to truly, actually address any issue, any concern, any situation, that we first and foremost must come to terms with the reality of the situation.
You know, when we talk about rehabilitation, when we talk about solving any problem, when we talk about resolving any type of issue, the very first step of rehabilitation is accepting that there is a problem, being aware of the problem, being cognizant of the situation, and not being ashamed, not being afraid, not shying away from admitting the fact that there is a problem.
Acknowledging the Reality of Family Problems
That's the first step to solving any situation, any problem. So when we talk about the situation of family, and something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and I think anyone that has any level of experience in community leadership, community matters, community affairs, will I think very readily admit and stand up here with me and preach about the dire need of addressing family issues. Not just in society, not just in community, but specifically even within the Muslim community.
From our imams and our shuyukh who are on the front lines, to even community leaders and community activists. A basic khatib, a basic khatib can tell you the importance. A Sunday school teacher, a weekend school Islamic school teacher, would be able to speak to you for hours and hours about the critical need of addressing the family situation.
So coming to terms with the reality, what is the reality at hand? What are our issues, what are our circumstances, what's going on with us?
Reality #1: We Face the Same Problems as the Broader Society
Number one, I think one thing that we have to understand, in our very unique circumstance, in our very unique situation, as a Muslim minority living here, in America, in the United States, I think the very first thing that we need to understand, we need to come to terms with, is that the problems that we are experiencing in Muslim families are the same that others are experiencing outside of the Muslim community as well.
Meaning our problems are not, there are certain things that are unique about our circumstances and situations, but generally speaking, a lot of what we are experiencing are general problems across the board. Because we have to, again, deal with a very specific reality, and that reality is, is that we live in society, we live in this same society that everyone else does, every other faith-based community, or every other, you know, ethnic community, the same society that they live in, the United States of America, current day, modern day United States of America, we are living in that same exact society.
We are being impacted by those same social elements. And so we have to, the very first thing I think it's very important for us to understand is, deal with the reality that we are similar to any other community. Meaning we will be impacted by our society, by the culture we live in, the media, the impact that it's having on them, it's also having that same impact on us.
Our children going to school, the effects that the school environment or interacting with other children, the same effects that it has on them, it's also affecting us.
A Historical Perspective: The Evolution of Muslim Communities
You know, I always tell this story that I have a little bit of a unique experience, and that is, and I mean, again, there's many other people who have much more extensive experience in this regard, but I feel in terms of a lot of the people in our communities today, I have a little bit of a unique experience, and that unique experience is simply the fact that I was raised during the 80s, and that's not too long ago. I still might be a kid or a young into many of our elders here, but that still is a significant time ago.
I grew up during the 80s. You know, I was a teenager during the 90s. And so, and I particularly grew up in a place where there were very few Muslim families. The Muslim community is still relatively young. It was very, very small, minuscule. It was very, very small back then.
And so growing up at a time like that, I kind of got to see the evolution of the Muslim community, if you will, the development of the Muslim community, to developing to the point where we are today. And there was also at the same time, amongst the immigrant Muslim community at that time, there was this notion, there was this idea, and I don't mean to offend anyone by calling it, that there was even this delusion that we're all eventually going back home. We're all going back home.
And that was the tone of the Muslim community, the immigrant Muslim community in the 80s. The immigrants amongst the Muslim community, that was their mindset during the 80s, even leading into the 90s. We're all eventually going back home.
The Denial and Its Consequences
So there was a certain amount of denial about dealing with the issues at hand. And I remember very vividly that when people would even address social issues, social evils, family issues, that were very, very common. At that point in time in general American society, there used to be this distancing themselves from those issues or those concerns by saying, those are their problems, not ours.
That happens with them, not us. I still remember during the early 90s, one of my main teachers and mentors, one of my senior shuyukh, Mufti Naeem, hafidh Allah, may Allah protect him. He used to visit the United States very commonly, very frequently on an annual basis.
And he would travel around and he would talk to communities. I was a very young hafidh at that time, very young hafidh of the Quran. I was leading salat al-tarawih at a community, for a community at a masjid.
And he came to visit and check on me and see how we were doing. And we had close family relationships with him as well. So he came to the tarawih prayers to listen to me, you know, as a teacher to check on me, see how I was doing.
And then of course we requested him to address the congregation, like I'm addressing you now. We requested him to address the community, address us after the tarawih prayers. And he started talking about the family issues.
And he was trying to emphasize the importance of adhering to the deen, learning the deen, the importance of instilling tarbiyah, a system of tarbiyah within the homes, within the community, so that our children could grow up with the proper Islamic perspective. Otherwise these family socials and evil, the social evils and the family issues that we saw out there amongst them, you see the very specific language I'm using, that before we know it, we'll be standing at our own doorstep and it would be inside of our own homes in our own community.
And I actually remember being very young, I was shocked by this reaction. I remember some community members becoming very angry, shouting at the shaykh, interrupting him and becoming very angry. How dare you? You know, he's talking about issues like divorce. He's talking about kids running away from home.
He was talking about children rebelling against their parents. He was talking about families breaking apart and cutting each other off and disowning each other. You know what basically has become commonplace in our communities today, right? He was talking about these things and I still remember very vividly some community members becoming very angry.
How dare you even talk about this stuff? Don't even mention the word divorce. Our children are here. Our families are here. How dare you talk about this stuff? These aren't our problems. We're Muslims. We don't have these problems. Those are their problems. And pardon my use of the word. I don't condone speaking in this manner, but I'm trying to paint the picture for you on what the mentality was.
Those are the kuffar's problems. Those aren't our problems. We don't have those issues.
There was such a complete denial. There was such oblivious and such delusion present in our communities at that time. And before you knew it, you know that same, my same teacher, visiting year after year, it was literally a number of years before he's being requested when he's opening up and he's giving a lecture and he was gonna talk about taqwa or sabr or patience or fasting or the importance of Quran or something like that.
He's specifically being requested to talk about marriage. He's specifically being requested to talk specifically about divorce. To specifically talk about children rebelling.
A number of years. So this is a reality that we have to come to terms with. That their problems, those problems, those are the same problems we have.
There's a certain common thread between a lot of these issues. And therefore, the factors are dissimilar, are the same, are similar. And therefore, some solutions at the same time might also be very, very similar.
We will of course have our own unique take on them because of the guidance of Allah and the guidance of His Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم. But nevertheless, there are certain common threads that we have to understand. And we also have to understand we are not immune. As Muslims, as Muslim families, as a Muslim community, we are not immune to the evils, to the problems, to the circumstances, to the situations that might exist out there.
Reality #2: The Relationship Between Spirituality and Family Life
That's the very first reality. The second reality I'd like to present here, before I get started with addressing some specifics of the family situation, the condition, the situation of family. The second reality is, and this is very important, we have to understand this, because a lot of time for us, and not wrong, this is not wrong or incorrect in any way, shape or form.
But nevertheless, it's a concern and some people are just very focused in this regard. For some people, the bottom line is spirituality. Just Islam, Iman.
And they translate Islam, Iman as just the connection with Allah, the spiritual part of it, the spiritual relationship, the spiritual connection to Allah. Understand one thing, family struggles, family difficulties, unrest, trouble, chaos, distress in the home, unhappiness in the home, it affects spirituality. It affects people's relationship with Allah.
It has a very profound impact on an individual. When someone is struggling in their marriage, in their relationship with their children, in their relationship at home, in the harmony in the home is gone, that does affect, that will affect a person's spiritual condition. How often has it been the case that when you are having a fight at home, you are in the middle of a very serious situation with your spouse.
Yes, the mind initially goes to making dua, but when it goes on, when it persists, when it becomes a serious problem or serious issue, how common is it that even you forget to pray? You don't think of the prayer. You don't feel like getting up and praying. You become neglectful of even your salah.
How common is that? So understand that even unrest within the home and that emotional distress that a human being experiences due to concerns in the family and distress in the family, it affects spirituality. Make no mistake about that.
Key Family Dynamics and Their Challenges
Now having said that, what are some of the key dynamics, the key relationships of family where we are struggling and what are some of the struggles that we are experiencing? And then we'll talk a little bit very briefly.
It's a very short lecture. And so obviously we can't solve the problem here. We can't even in detail address the issues or the solutions, but we can at least raise awareness.
And understand raising awareness is the first step to solving any problem. After a person admits that there is a problem, the next step is raising awareness at least about the issue and then secondly about some of the solutions. So we need to at least start talking about this, becoming aware of it.
And that's what we'll do here.
1. Parent-Child Relationships
The very first universal dynamic of family relationship is the parent-child relationship. Because everyone is either a parent or a child. Marriage and some of those things, we'll talk about that. But the very first most universal application of family is the parent-child relationship. Everyone is either a parent or everyone is either a child.
One or the other. And you know something very beautiful about the Quran, about the book of Allah, the ultimate source of guidance, the ultimate reminder, the ultimate lesson. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala talks about this relationship in the Quran.
Highlights both the problem, the problems and even the solutions. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala presents problematic, difficult parent-child relationship to us in the Quran. And then He presents to us harmonious, happy, beautiful, functional, beneficial, flourishing parent-child relationship within the Quran as well.
To both present the problem and the solution. And the Quran is not a storybook. The Quran is not a history textbook. The Quran is guidance. It's a reminder. It presents and solves problems.
It points out our problems to us and then solves those problems for us. So when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala chooses to mention something in His book, in His kalam, in His speech, it's there for a reason, it's there for a purpose because it's very important and very relevant.
The Difficult Relationship: Ibrahim and His Father
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in Surah Maryam and other places as well, but very extensively, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala presents the very difficult, strained relationship of Ibrahim alayhi salam with his father.
A father is frustrated with the son and a son is frustrated with the father. Both have their own perspectives. The father is frustrated with the son because the son has abandoned the culture, the religion, the ways of his father, of the family, of the community, of the forefathers.
And the son is frustrated with the father because the father is in denial about the truth, believing in one God. And they're actually going back and forth. The son is telling the father:
"O my father, why do you worship that which does not hear and does not see and cannot avail you in anything?"
Very respectfully, oh my dear father, which is like how we would say, dad, please. Daddy, please. Abu, come on, please. Baba, please.
He's pleading with his father:
"O my father, do not worship Satan."
You're not bad, dad, shaitan is bad.
He's trying to plead with the father. And the father is frustrated with the child:
"Have you no desire for my gods, O Ibrahim? If you do not desist, I will surely stone you, and avoid me a long time."
So you're trying to tell me my gods aren't good enough for you, boy? Ibrahim, he didn't say my dear son. Ya Ibrahim. Boy, my gods aren't good enough for you? I'll kill you. Literally means like I'll stone you, which is an expression in Arabic, I'll kill you, I'll hurt you. You need to stop now. I'll hurt you. Get out of here.
I disown you. You're dead to me. You're nothing to me.
Look how difficult that relationship is. Allah presents such a relationship, parent-child.
Another Example: Yaqub and His Sons
يَعْقُوبُ عَلَيْهِ السَّلامُ
With the older sons. That's a strange relationship, isn't it? They're jealous. He likes Yusuf better than he likes us. He chooses Yusuf over us. He loves Yusuf more than he loves us. Why? Why would he? And the father is trying to make the sons understand.
What's wrong with you guys? Why would you even say that? Why would you even think that? The father knows that the sons have taken their younger brother and basically disposed of him. They're lying to my face. The father knows.
But what can you do? Why don't you understand? Difficult relationship. So parent-child relationship is something that in Allah tells us:
"There was certainly in their stories a lesson for those of understanding."
There are lessons. So there will be difficulties in the parent-child relationship.
The child will feel like the parents just don't understand me. And the parent will be frustrated with the child. I only want good for you. Why don't you listen to me? Child says, you don't understand me. The parent says, you don't listen to me. And I think all of us have experienced that.
The Challenge Continues Through All Life Stages
And you know, subhanAllah, something that's unique about this relationship. It's not only when the children are young. This is not only in the teenage years.
Those who are older and who have older parents also know the struggles and the challenges. That's why you know that very famous ayah of the Quran from surah Al-Isra, surah Bani Israel, surah number 17. That very famous, you know, ayah:
"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff,"
Don't even say "oof" to your parents.
You know what context that's saying that in? It's specifically talking about what? It's talking about when one or both of your parents have reached senility. They've become old. They've become senile.
Now they're angry. They're frustrated. Their body is falling apart. They're ill. They're sick. They can't eat properly. They can't sleep properly. They can't walk properly. You know how difficult that is? As young able-bodied people, we have no understanding of how frustrating that must be.
Imagine living your life on your own feet, being independent for 50, 60 years. And then one day, you can't even get up and go get a glass of water for yourself. You can't even go and use the restroom yourself.
Imagine what that's like. So they're angry. They're short-tempered. They're frustrated. And even the mind begins to go. The emotions become frail.
Like Allah tells us:
"And whoever We extend in life - We reverse him in creation."
They get returned back to the worst of ages. You know, one of my dear, dear friends. One of my dear, dear friends. He's one of my best friends. He accepted Islam in middle school. We grew up together.
So he's a convert. He's a revert. His parents are not Muslim yet. Make dua for them, inshallah. May Allah bless them with guidance, with hidayah. His mother, both his parents are old and they have health issues, but his mother suffered a very severe stroke recently.
To the point where she lost a lot of function in half her body. And he told me, he's like, Nasir, you know, I never... He goes, you know when life hits you, when you wake up to the reality of life? When so many things, the reality of them hits you, in the face, 60 miles per hour. It's like, I went... And he's working, and he's working hard, and he travels for work, and he has to be away from his parents because he's financially supporting them.
And paying the bills, the medical bills. For the nurse to be there to take care of his mother. All the responsibilities on him.
But he said, I was visiting my parents over the weekend, back home from work, off the road. I went back to my parents and I was with them over the weekend. He said, I sat there and I fed my mother with a spoon.
I spoon-fed my own mom. Subhanallah. It's like, that's when I realized.
Like, you know, you sit there and feed a child. I have a two-year-old at home. You know, you sit there and you feed your child. Come on, come on, open up, open up.
Another one of my dear friends. Dear, dear friends. We studied together. We grew up together. We're like brothers.
His mother also, you know, very, very difficult health. Suffered a stroke and, you know, dealing with a lot. And I visited him.
And I visited his mother with him. Having to force her to speak, to talk, to interact, to eat. Did you eat your food? Come on, did you eat your food? Subhanallah.
So Allah tells us, in that context, He's speaking about parents becoming old. So anyone who's even an adult and a growth. This is not the difficulty, the frustration with parents.
You're making my life difficult. You know what teenagers say? God, you hate me. Like why do you hate me so much? You never want to let me do anything. You want to ruin my life. And usually it's about like, you know, sleeping over at the friend's house on a Friday night. But everyone's going to be there. You're destroying my life. Right?
So that frustration that kids have with parents, it's not just relegated to teenagers. Anyone that has elderly parents, that is an adult now, that is mature now.
But I'm an adult, I'm mature now. I don't have drama. I don't have teenage hormones. I'm not going through that phase of my life. I'm not an adolescent. You still know about the frustration with parents, don't you? Because fine, you might be an adult.
You might not have drama anymore. But now your parents are old. And they're fragile. And they're senile. And they're demanding. They don't want your money.
I pay their bills. What more do they want? I send money every month. What more do you want? They just want to sit and talk to you. That's all they want. They just want to sit and talk to you. They still want to know that they exist to you.
They matter to you. They still want you to ask their opinion about something. Like you used to.
So Allah is speaking specifically. So the frustration with parents is a universal thing. Everybody deals with it.
And similarly, you know, frustration with the children. Disappointment with children and your children. It's a universal thing.
When they're kids, they don't listen. They don't learn. They don't pay attention.
You know, already my 4-year-old. You know, the world is opening up to her. She's starting to become more and more independent every single day.
Every single day. It's already awkward for her now. I dropped by her school.
She just started going to school. I dropped by her school. You know, walked into the classroom.
I saw her working. So you know, when your children are small and at any age for that matter. I mean, my children are small. So that's all I know. When you look at your children, you're overcome with love. You know, that love just fills your heart.
I haven't seen her for 3 hours. She went to school at 8 in the morning. I'm at her school at 11. It already feels like a lifetime. So what did I do? I walked up to her from behind her. I hugged her. I kissed her. I was like, Abu, stop. And then when she got home later that day, she tells my wife.
Mommy, Abu hugged me and kissed me in front of everybody. Right? In front of everybody. Right? So that, you know, the parents. So I'm like, what's wrong with that? Of course I hugged you and kissed you.
2. Marriage and Marital Relationships
The second family dynamic. That we struggle with. That we're experiencing problems in regards to. Is marriage. Marital discord. Starting all the way from pre-marriage.
How to get married. You know it's a universal problem. It's actually become a very common issue. A very common problem. You can ask the Shaykh. You know.
How many young people show up at his doorstep. I want to get married to so and so. But. This problem. Or her parents. Or my parents. Or this. Or that. Starts from there.
And then even problems in the marriage. You know. Not. Sometimes. You end up. You know. In a rush. In a rush of emotions. Or even in. You know. Zealous. Overzealousness. Religious. Overzealousness. Like you become religiously overzealous.
I have to avoid the sin. Avoid the fitna. Get married. Who. Why. Where. What. How. Doesn't matter brother.
It's the sunnah. I'm pretty sure getting married blindly. Is not the sunnah.
But that's what happens. So either people are ending up married. Very very young people. Who get married very young. In. In. Again. Religious overzealousness. Or just a rush of emotions.
A couple of years into marriage. Even a couple of months into marriage. They realize they didn't know the person they got married to.
And we have so. It's becoming so common. For young people. Newlywed couples. To be divorced within a number of months. Even a couple of years. If not a couple of months. Lack of responsibility in the marriage. A husband not taking his responsibility seriously.
A wife not behaving responsibly. A father mother not. You know when you have young children. So many families. So many couples experience. Marital issues and marital problems.
Why. He's not being a father to his children. She's not being a good mother. Lack of responsibility. In-law interference. This is a term I came up with.
In-law interference. You know pass interference. For football fans. In-law interference. Trademark. Alright.
In-law interference. It's a major issue. Because you have a clash of cultures. You have a clash of worlds. Dimensions. Happening.
So the interference from in-laws. Is all interference from the in-laws bad? Absolutely not. But nevertheless. The dynamics of that interference. How that interference is taking place. It's causing problems.
The in-law issue. The in-law problem. A lack of maturity. Rushing into decisions. Rushing into marriage. Prioritization.
For some people. Work comes before the family. For some people. The religious cause. The religious cause. The organization. The association. The movement. The spreading of the deen.
Comes before family. That's becoming a problem. Families are being torn apart. Why? And honestly. This is an oxymoron. To say that somebody's family failed.
Because of their service to the deen. Because of dawah. The family is falling apart. That doesn't even make sense. That's a contradiction. That's an oxymoron.
That's impossible. That obviously means. Somebody did not understand. The deen or the religion. Lack of communication. In prioritization.
Another thing. Sometimes it could be the religion. Sometimes it could be work. Sometimes it's money. It's greed. And that's justified.
But I just want to give you guys. A nice home to live in. I want to give you guys. The life that I never had. I want our kids to go. To the best school.
And what happens. Because of that. We destroy the family. That we were using. As justification. To chase after money.
Sometimes it's. My own hobbies. My own indulgences. I'm married. I still got to play. Modern warfare.
All night long. With my friends. I'm married. I still got to go to the basketball tournament. I work five days a week. Saturday there's a basketball tournament.
Saturday the wife is waiting. We're finally going to get to spend. Some good quality time together. I got to go. Got to go ball with the boys. Right.
My own personal hobbies. My own personal indulgences. You know. This is football country. I come from Dallas. Another football area.
So you guys will understand. What I'm talking about. Saturday. College ball. Bowl games. Equals what? 12 hours in front of the television.
What the spouse does. That's their problem. I'm sorry. I'm not going to change me. I'm not changing for anybody. You married me.
That's what you get. I heard you say I accept. All right. I heard it. So you accepted ASU football as well. As terrible as it is.
All right. Sunday. Football. NFL game day. Sunday. I have that.
Whatever that package is called. The NFL. The direct TV package. NFL game day or whatever it's called. Where it's like eight screens on the TV at one time. You know.
So in a 12 hour period. I watched 15 games. Simultaneously. Congratulations. Right. Mubarak.
You want a cookie? Or maybe a laddu. Right. What do you want? And so it's either that.
Prioritization. And a lack of sense of what the priorities are. In this culture we even. We have a challenge. And I'll tell you from a young. I was born and raised in Dallas, Texas.
From this culture's perspective. I'll tell you one very huge problem we have in prioritization. Something we put before family. That is very unique and specific to this culture. And that is. There's actually a phrase.
An expression that guys use. I can't repeat it here. It's offensive. It's inappropriate. And this is the masjid. The house of Allah.
So it's impossible. And I wouldn't still. Because it's inappropriate. But they basically say bros before. Blank. Don't say it.
Shame on you. Right. But they say bros before. And a very derogatory word about women. They're basically putting your friends before your woman. Even though that word doesn't even apply to a person's wife.
Stuff for the love. But nevertheless. That same concept. People apply it to marriage. Uh-uh. My friends come first.
Gotta hang with the boys. And this is not just specific to the guys. This is even in regards to the women. Even in regards to girls. That if a girl gets married. A woman gets married.
She's a wife now. How dare she not go out with the friends. To dinner. They get shunned. They get outcasted by their unmarried friends. They get pushed out by their unmarried friends.
This is a real struggle people are having. That they literally have to kind of. Reinvent their friend circle. They have to go and rediscover friends. First when they get married. The unmarried friends want no part.
No business. Why? She ain't got time for us no more. She'd rather go and. Spend time with her husband. Like that's a ridiculous concept. And then.
The married. The young married friends. Who don't all have children. The first one who has children. Gosh. She's so lame to hang out with now.
Why? Uh. Everything's about a diaper. And milk. And. Well God forbid. She'd be a good mother right? So now she's again outcasted by her friends.
Now she has to go rediscover. She has to go out there and discover. Other mom friends. This is. This is a struggle people have. And so what.
What do people. People crumble underneath that pressure. So no. My friends got to be put first. What am I going to do without my friends? So the. The marriage.
The children. Everything will come second. So the marriage struggles. Because of lack of prioritization. Lack of communication. That's.
One of the. Most universal issues and problems. Lack of communication. Never establishing the lines of communication. Let alone. Being comfortable with communicating.
Concerns. Problems. You know. Even. Good things. Nothing is communicated.
Those lines of communication never established. Well again. In this culture. It's a very. It's a culture in which we pride ourselves on our individuality. On our independence.
I'm independent on my own self. I don't need anybody's help. And that manifests itself. And creates problems even in marriage. An unwillingness to compromise. Why should I change anything about myself? If you don't like the way things are.
Then you deal with it. Complete total lack of compromise. Absolutely no motivation. No inclination to sacrifice anything. I should not have to sacrifice anything. And this is on both sides of the marriage.
I'm not sitting here giving some old school lecture about. Women having to sacrifice. No this is on both sides. And I feel especially. Some of the very unique dynamics we have. Especially I can speak about my generation.
And our challenges. I feel that lack of sacrifice. That unwillingness to sacrifice. Exists actually more amongst the guys. Than it does even amongst the girls. Complete total.
Just unwillingness to sacrifice anything.
3. Sibling Rivalry
And then. A third manifestation. Which I'll talk about more briefly. Of family issues or family problems. Is sibling rivalry.
Amongst the siblings. It's a little more unique. Than even marriage. But nevertheless it is a problem. It is an issue. Whether it's the parents favoring unknowingly.
Unintentionally. But they're favoring one child over another. That harbors. That creates and harbors resentment. Amongst the children for each other. Sensitivity.
Solutions for Family Problems
But talking about solutions. What are some solutions that we can begin to implement? What are some solutions we can begin to implement. To repair this family situation. Family condition.
Solution 1: Spirituality - The Foundation
Number one is spirituality. I talked about this in the beginning. I'll bring it up here again. When we repair our relationship with Allah.
Understand our relationship with Allah. Is the basis and the foundation of everything in our lives. Our relationship with Allah. Is the basis and the foundation of everything. This is something we say in the Quran. This is something we say in adhkar.
This is something we say in supplications. In dua. And that is. Allah is the source of all blessing. Allah is the one that grants blessing. When we will repair.
And there are hadith. There are traditions. There are narrations to the effect. That when we repair our relationship with Allah. Allah will repair everything else. When a person is beloved to Allah.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has one announcement made in the heavens. And on the earth as well:
(Sahih Bukhari 3209)
I love him. So everybody love him as well. Oh Jibreel I love him. So you love him. Jibreel alaihi salam says. Allah loves him. I love him.
So all the inhabitants of the heavens. You love him. The inhabitants of the heavens. The angels. The malaika come down upon the earth. And say what? Allah loves him.
Jibreel loves him. We love him. So therefore all of you love him. Him or her. So. Spirituality.
When we fix our things with Allah. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Will put barakah and blessing. And everything else in our lives. And this is something that is very obvious. That's why.
The prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was told:
Tell your family to pray. And you be regular about prayer yourself. You be regular punctual about prayer yourself. You be steadfast about the prayer yourself. Tie yourself upon the prayer.
But tell your family to pray. And then you pray yourself. You know. So talking about the parent-child relationship. We have to learn to repair our relationship. The parents.
Must repair their relationship with Allah. That's why we're taught a dua:
Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring the coolness of our eyes. And make all of us the leaders of the muttaqeen. We have to repair spirituality.
The parents and the children. And do it together. As a family. Pray together as a family. Make dua. So first fix your relationship with Allah.
And that will put barakah and blessing. That will start to repair the relationship. With the family members.
Marriage and Prayer
Marriage. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in ayah number 238 of surah al-Baqarah. Allah says:
Very carefully. Very cautiously. Very diligently. Watch over the prayers.
But you know what's very interesting about this ayah? Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentions this ayah in the middle of a passage. Which talks about what? Divorce. In the middle of giving us advice about divorce.
Allah says, Watch over the prayers. Why? Because maybe you're having problems in your marriage. Because you're having problems in your relationship with Allah.
Go back and fix your relationship with Allah. And put barakah back in your marriage. Put blessing back in your marriage. Bring the rahmah and the mercy of Allah back into your marriage.
You know the houses in which Quran is recited, shine unto the inhabitants of the heavens, the skies, as the stars shine unto the inhabitants of the earth. Our houses become filled with nur and barakah and blessing when we recite Quran in them.
The Prophet's Example in Home Worship
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) would pray the fard daily prayers in the masjid. Where would he pray his sunnah and his nawafil? Where? In the home.
And you know what that means for the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم)? This is the masjid, that's the home. Masjid, home. Masjid, home. You see the difference? It was literally that much difference.
He would take four steps and he'd be in his home. But he would still go. He would make the distinction. He would make, establish the fact that he would take those four steps, cross through the curtain and pray in the home where the wife and the kids, where the family members were at.
So bring spirituality back into your life, into your home, into your parent-child relationship, into your marriage. And see how it repairs.
You know when you have spirituality, you have a good relationship with Allah, it makes you secure in yourself. It gives you confidence. It removes the insecurities.
The parents are not insecure about their children. The children are not so constantly skeptical of the parents. You're paranoid about the parents. Marriage. Even sibling rivalry. They become secure in themselves through their relationship with Allah.
The Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was told the same point. You know in surah Yasin:
Don't doubt yourself. You are most definitely from the messengers.
It gives you that sense of security. So first spirituality needs to be reestablished. We need to fix our relationship with Allah. And family relationship will start to get better.
Solution 2: Establishing Communication
The second thing. A second basic step. Establishing communication. If you don't, establish it. As awkward and as difficult as it might be.
Initially when you establish communication, it's like pulling teeth. It's like pulling teeth, but establish it. If you have it, then broaden it. Then work on it. Then continue to build on it. Then maintain it.
And open it further. But communication is very important. And I told you about how Allah (جل جلاله) presents certain difficult parent-child relationships in the Quran.
Positive Examples from the Quran
Allah (جل جلاله) also presents beautiful parent-child relationships in the Quran. Luqman does what to his son? He just yells at him? Is that what he says? He says, hey you. Stupid boy, come here.
Hey you idiot, come here. Is that what Luqman says to his son? He says:
It literally means, my small son. Which is an Arabic expression for saying, my dear son. Beloved son. You know, when you have a nickname for your child.
Come here, buddy. Let me talk to you, sweetie. You know, when you speak to your child with love, he talks to his child. He's advising him. He's not lecturing him. He's not wagging his finger at him.
He's not yelling at him. He's not scolding him. He's not constantly telling his son how disappointed he is in him. He's having a conversation with his son. My dear son.
We see Yusuf, alayhi salam. He sees a dream. A life-altering, life-changing dream. What does he do with that dream? Go and tell his friends? Text message his friends? Bro, you won't believe what I just saw.
Updates his Facebook status? Saw a cool dream today. Like my status? No, what does he do? He goes and he talks to his father. He says:
Dear father. Ya abati. My dear, dear father. Dad. Daddy. Baba. I saw eleven stars.
He speaks to his father. Communicates to his father.
The Prophet's Example of Communication
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم),the best husband of all time, would do what? He would communicate with his wives. He would communicate with his spouses. You know, Aisha radiyallahu anha says:
(Abu Dawud 1292)
That I never saw anyone doing more counsel, more mashwara, more shura, than the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Nobody would consult in anything.
Not just the community affairs, not just the religious affairs, but even the affairs of the home. He talked to us. He would communicate to us.
When the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) at Hudaybiyyah, when he was frustrated that the sahaba radiyallahu anhum were just dumbfounded, where they were just speechless. He's telling them, come on guys, you know, shave your head, sacrifice your animal, you know, open your ihram. And they're not getting up and going because they're just completely dumbfounded.
They're just overwhelmed. They're almost like traumatized by what's happened, that we have to go back without doing umrah. The Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) does what? Who does he go when he talks? Who does he speak to? His wife, Umm Salima.
He speaks to his wife. About being a prophet, about the affairs of prophethood, he speaks to his wife. Communicates.
He doesn't go in there and throws a fit. Where's my food? Why is this place always dirty? What's wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that? What's your problem? Why are the kids always making noise? He doesn't take it out on her. He goes in there and he says, I don't know what to do.
What's wrong? They're just not moving. It's not that they're not listening or not obeying. These are the sahabah kiram radiyallahu anhu. Ridwanallahi ta'ala alayhim ajma'in. But they're just dumbfounded. They're just like traumatized.
How to Communicate Properly
And then paying attention to how you communicate. Like in the parent-child relationship. The parent might say, I talk to him everyday. But if all you say to your child is clean up your room. Yes, you speak to your child everyday. Clean up your room.
Did you do your homework? Why do you fail your test? Why are you so stupid? Right? If you speak to your child, that's not enough. But how you communicate matters as well. What do you say? How do you speak? Lovingly.
Kindly. You know when spouses speak to each other. If everything is a sarcastic jab. So you didn't make food today, huh? That's not a question by the way. You know that's not a question. Oh, so I guess you're busy today, huh? That's not a question.
That's a slap in the face. Nothing good comes out of communication like that. You have to give the benefit of the doubt. You have to be open. You have to be loving. You have to be caring.
You have to be considerate. How you communicate? Having credibility. And understand when you start to communicate. The problem will not fix itself overnight. You can't be like, you know one day you try to have a nice conversation. You know what's going on with you.
I hope you're doing well. And everything is good. And for now you have a history of 10 years, 15 years of just bad communication. And you have one nice 20-minute conversation. And the other side is not warming up to you yet. Don't be like, see, well, you're obviously wrong.
I tried. I was nice. It didn't work. See, it doesn't work. My way works. You don't know what you're talking about.
It doesn't change overnight. The Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was a:
Arabic: الصَّادِقُ الْأَمِينُ
And then he presented the message. So you have to have some credibility. You have to have some credibility. You have to establish that credibility.
You have to establish trust. And it won't happen overnight. Spirituality, communication.
Solution 3: Prioritization and Making Time for Family
The third area where we can work on to improve these family relationships is like what I mentioned extensively, prioritization. We have to put these family relationships in the right priority. And that is making time for family.
Whether that is parent-child relationship, make time for each other. Whether it's a spousal relationship, make time for each other. Even the sibling rivalry can be solved by spending time together, making time for each other.
And just as a clarification, for the father who works tirelessly, and that's fine, that's respected. But understand that you might say, I spend eight hours a day at home. Yeah, but you spend those eight hours a day sleeping on your face.
That doesn't count as family time. You know, I come home, don't I? Yeah, you come home, you use the bathroom and you go to sleep. That doesn't count as spending time with your spouse.
You have to spend good quality family time together. You have to make time for each other. And put each other as a first priority.
Redefining the Boundaries of Ibadah
And here comes the shocking part. We have to redefine the boundaries of ibadah. There is no guilt in spending time with family. Yes, it should not deter you from your basic responsibilities to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Salah is salah. Prayer is prayer.
But at the same time, we do have to redefine the boundaries of ibadah, of nafl, extra worship. You know, having a nice, quiet, intimate dinner with your spouse, having a candlelit dinner with your wife, is ibadah.
It's a virtuous deed.
Good deed, reward, yes. I'm not crazy. You know when you wrestle around with your children? You know when you play with your kids? My kids are young, so that's, you know, horsing around.
When you horse around with your kids, like you play hide and go seek, where my daughter constantly cheats, all the time. So when it's my turn to hide and her turn to seek, she comes like this. One, two.
It's like you're looking at me, Maryam. I can see you looking at me. Right? Play fair.
You know, Alhamdulillah, I've developed a lot of upper body strength. You know how? It's an exercise that goes like this. Swings.
Non-stop. These kids can never get tired. I think there's a possibility my daughters could grow up to fly fighter jets and be pilots. They never get tired of being on a swing. My younger one is two years old. She wakes up, first thing she does after she wakes up in the morning, she goes to the back door, because we have a swing set in the backyard.
She stands at the back door. Outside. Let me outside. That's code for outside. It's just one word. She doesn't waste a lot of time.
Alright, she's very efficient. Alright, outside. Normal tone. If her request is not immediately obliged, then the second time, outside. And third time, it's a straight up just scream. Outside.
Yes, okay, outside. Here we go. Let's go. Bismillah. And that's it. Spending quality time with them.
Making time for them. And you know what? Playing hide-and-go-seek with your kids, pushing them on the swings is an act of worship. It's an act of ibadah.
It's an act of worship. You know the Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) told the Sahaba radiyallahu anhum:
(Sahih Muslim 1006)
That when spouses, husband and wife, experience intimacy with each other, I'm going to speak in general terms, because we have a broad audience. When a husband and wife, when spouses, experience intimacy with each other, enjoy intimacy with each other, physical intimacy, the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said they get, it's a virtuous act.
The Sahaba were shocked just as much as you probably are. Are you serious? Like for real? And the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) presented very simple logic. If you were to commit the same
physical act, outside of marriage, would it be a sin? Yes, then it's an act of reward and an act of virtue in marriage.
But one of the lessons we learn from that is, that engaging in the actual relationship, seeking emotional pleasure in the relationship, is an act of, is a virtuous act. It's an act of reward.
Learning from Role Models
You know something that's established through research, and something that I learned a practical lesson, from my own father, as a role model for me, was, my dad was very involved in the masjid.
He was one of the founders of the masjid, that we all grew up going to, and then alhamdulillah now in his retirement age, he was able to found another masjid, to a new area we moved to. My uncles, my dad, they were always involved in this, frontline, mashallah, alhamdulillah, I learned from them.
But you know one thing though, being on the board of the masjid, being a founder of the masjid, being involved in the dawah activity at the masjid, it never got in the way of family.
It was never put before family. There could be a meeting going on in the masjid, and my dad would get a call, and he would excuse him, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it to the meeting at the masjid. If that gets me kicked off the board, oh, he's never here for the meetings.
Fine, kick me off, I guess, that's fine. But every single day, and my dad owned his own business by the way. How many people here own their own business? Alright? A businessman knows, what time does your job end? It never does.
A businessman never clocks out. A businessman lives, eats and sleeps his business. But every day there was a cut off time for my dad. 5 o'clock, done. Store is closed, the phone is off. Sorry.
You'll pay extra if I come right now? It's okay, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. You're going to go to somebody else? Then I guess you'll go to somebody else. My rizq is written by Allah.
But I'm not going to give up my, I'm not going to sacrifice my family. 5 o'clock everyday. Then he came home. Sat with us, talked to us, played with us, helped us with our homework. And then we ate dinner together as a family. And then when dinner was done, then he went for salat al-isha at the masjid, and I went with him.
But that was every single day. And nothing would get in the way of that. Not the business, not the meeting at the masjid, not the dawah activity, nothing.
Family first. We have to learn that prioritization, we have to learn that attitude. Redefining these boundaries of ibadah and worship, and understanding what's important.
It's very, very important that we understand what's important. You know, and one other recommendation I make in terms, in the research, the Center for Substance Abuse and Addiction at Columbia University published a research, and Time Magazine ran with the story in June 2006. I recommend you go, you look it up and you read it.
And it talked about how families and homes, where they eat one meal together every single day, they eat at least one meal together, those are happier, healthier homes and families. Because they spend quality time together.
One of the recommendations that I mentioned in the Quran, pray salat together. Merge family time and spirituality together. When you're gonna go out to the park, let's pray dhuhr and then head out to the park. We're gonna go for ice cream, let's pray isha and then we'll go out for ice cream.
Merge these things together, create a positive association with these things. That's how you can do tarbiyah of your children. That's how you can instill the deen within your family, within your children.
Eating meals together, joins and brings the hearts together.
Solution 4: Expressing Love and Appreciation
And then the fourth area that we can work on, expressing love and appreciation for each other. There's no such thing as showing too much love.
Discipline has its place, expectations have its place, rules and boundaries have their place. I'm not talking about that. We confuse love with those things.
Have discipline, have boundaries, have limitations, have rules, have consequences, have all of that. But express love. Tell your children how much you love them.
Tell your spouse how much you love them. Show appreciation. Don't just have appreciation. Oh, but I do appreciate you. Do I have to show it? Do I have to buy you flowers? Yes, you do. Do I have to take you out for a nice meal? Yes.
Do I have to tell you how much I love you? Do I have to hug and kiss you? Yes. Very, very, very important. And I understand that this breaks certain cultural taboos.
In certain cultures, it's awkward, it's strange for a father to tell his children, I love you. When they put them to bed at night, when they wake up in the morning, when they say, salam, assalamu alaikum, how are you guys doing? Everything's okay? I love you guys. Right?
Telling your daughter, I love you, Mariam. I love you, Aisha. I know that it seems awkward or taboo in certain cultures, but again, I go back to the very first point that I made. You've got to understand where your children are coming from.
Solution 5: Making Dua
And the last and the final point I'll make here, make dua. Never forget to make dua. Allah taught us a comprehensive dua:
"Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous."
Coolness of the eyes.
You know what coolness of the eyes means? It's an ancient Arabic expression. To understand expression, sometimes you have to look at them, you have to understand them from the perspective of the person who first said them or spoke them, from the people who used that expression. You have to understand it from their perspective.
You know what it means coolness of the eyes? The ancient Arabs would say this. You guys will actually be able to relate to this. People who live in Arizona.
Alright? Imagine the summer time, being in the middle of the desert. Again, like I said, you really don't have to imagine. Alright? It's 120 degrees outside.
But imagine you don't have these comfortable buildings and structures. Imagine you don't have air conditioning and fans. You're out there in the middle of the desert, in the scorching heat of the desert.
120 degrees outside. Hot wind is blowing. And it's blowing the hot burning sand into your dust.
How much do you... Even now with air conditioning and everything you have, sometimes in the summer, how dry do your eyes get? How irritated do your eyes become? How much do they itch? Right? But imagine being out there in the desert without all this luxury and experiencing that. And your eyes feel like they're on fire. Your eyes feel like you just wanna rip them out.
You wanna scratch them till they're gone. They burn. And then you come across some cool clean water.
And you take that cool clean water and you splash it into your eyes and on your face. How refreshing. How invigorating.
How amazing does it feel. We're saying, Oh Allah, when I look at my spouse, when I look at my wife, when a wife makes this dua, she's saying, Oh when I look at my husband, when I look at my children, when I look at my family, Oh Allah, make it feel like I just splashed cool clean water into my eyes and my face. Refresh me.
And make all of us for the muttaqeen, make us imams and leaders of the most pious and righteous. Make us a role model family for generations to come.
Conclusion
So in connection with this, these are just like I said initially, these are some topics, these are some concerns.
This is an issue that's been on my mind for a very long time. And as you see from the context of the Quran and the seerah and the hadith of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), this is a very core concept of our religion, our iman, and this is a basic human need and concern. And so alhamdulillah, this is just a short conversation I wanted to share.
But this is part of a larger project that alhamdulillah, I'm embarking on through Qalam Institute, that we're going to actually have a program, a traveling course called Happiness in the Home, where we'll actually be traveling around the country to different communities, having a full seminar talking about some of these concerns and implementing more practical solutions so we can better the condition and the situation of families throughout our communities inshaAllah.
So these were just some thoughts, some things that I wanted to share with the community here today.
And again, I want to thank you for being patient and listening and being attentive.
And I hope and I pray that this was a source of benefit for everyone.
Closing
May Allah reward you [with] goodness.
Our Lord, give us in this world [that which is] good and in the Hereafter [that which is] good and protect us from the punishment of the Fire.
Again, may Allah (جل جلاله) accept from all of us and give us the ability to practice everything we've learned and heard.
Peace be upon you, and the mercy of Allah and His blessings.