Family First - Corrected Khutba Transcription
By Abdul Nasir Jangda | 2026-01-19T06:42:57.455264+00:00 | Topic: General
Family First
Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda
Introduction
First of all, I want to apologize for the pretentiousness of the setup of the lecture here. It probably would have been better to just talk from the Musalla, but it just helps out the AV brothers and the recording of the program. But I wanted to have a very casual, but at the same time a very serious discussion about something that I've discussed in private circles, I've had conversations about with many brothers and many families as I've traveled around the country.
And this is something that I've been asked time and time again to have a public, bring it to the public forum. Discuss it with the community at large and get this conversation going on, get it out there into our communities. And that is finding a balance, striking a balance between whatever ambitions we have, first and foremost from a materialistic or worldly perspective, and family.
And secondly, between even our religious ambitions and our religious work and family.
The Challenge of Worldly Ambitions vs. Family
I'll start with the more obvious discussion at first. You know, it's a natural motivation, it's a natural drive and an ambition within a human being. Especially, this is a little more directed towards the brothers. But nevertheless, it's a benefit to the entire family and for the whole community, listen to even sisters. That part of, it's a natural, it's a natural desire to want to succeed.
And to be the best at whatever you do. So when we go out and get an education, you want the best education possible. Then when you get a job or a career within a company, a big corporation, you want to climb that corporate ladder all the way to the top.
When you start up a business, you want to be the most successful businessman possible. What we end up doing oftentimes is the sacrifice that we make in order to fulfill our ambitions. One of the first things that gets cut is family.
And I wanted to talk about the serious implications of doing that. And what is there to lose when you do that? You know, we are witnessing before us in the greater American community, the mass American population. We're witnessing the detriment of doing so.
Not making time for family and not having time for one's family and the effects that it causes within society. And Muslims are no exception. Typically and historically speaking, immigrant communities strive and work very, very hard in order to succeed.
There's a reason why Muslims are some of the most highly educated and very, very successful and well- to-do professionals and individuals within the American landscape. It's very, very typical for immigrants and minorities to work very hard in order to succeed. But that comes oftentimes at a cost of the family and our children.
The Generation Gap Crisis
And what we're finding because of that is, you know, we constantly talk about the youth. Reaching out to the youth. The generation gap that we find.
Well, what we don't realize is that there's a huge generation gap. Why? Because not only is there a lack of understanding that is normally going to be there between a 40-year-old and a 15-year-old. They're not going to understand completely each other's perspective.
But on top of that, that 15-year-old has grown up without any involvement in any type of an intimate relationship, open channels of communication with his father. And the result and the cause of that is that it fractures the individual. And it skews his perception of him.
And he grows up without this healthy need of both parents being involved. And the results and the implications of that are self-evident.
The Divine Command for Family Balance
And oftentimes when you look at the ayah of the Quran I recited in the first raka'ah from the end of surah Taha, Allah جل جلاله tells us, He actually commands the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم :
And enjoin prayer upon your family and be steadfast therein. We ask you not for provision; We provide for you, and the [best] outcome is for [those of] righteousness.
It's a command to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. Allah is addressing Muhammad Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم And He's saying, command your family. Tell your family to pray. (وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا) - And you yourself be very extremely regular in particular about the prayer.
You yourself be very committed to the prayer. What is happening right here is that Allah جل جلاله is telling the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that no matter how busy you are involved with the matters of running the Islamic state and prophethood and imam, being an imam and being the leader of people and mankind and humanity, it is still your responsibility to tell your family to pray. And the best method of teaching your own family and your own children to pray is by you yourself praying with them.
The Misplaced Priorities
Now, like I mentioned before, what often gets in the way of spending that time with the family? I have to make a living. I'm doing it for them. I want to buy them a nice house.
I want them to live in a beautiful home. I want them to have a huge backyard. And I want us to be able to take some fancy vacation. And I want them to wear the latest, greatest shoes and nikes and clothing. And I want them to have the best video games. And I want them to drive nice cars.
But what we don't realize is that first and foremost that's not our responsibility. Allah says, لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا - I didn't ask you to feed anybody. نَحْنُ نَرْزُقْكَ - that's my job. I'll sustain you and I'll sustain them. I'll take care of that.
And the other thing we don't realize is, talk to youth. Youth counselors, youth directors and coordinators. People who work with, even talk to your own imam. Who speaks and talks to and works with the youth.
And he'll tell you that when they grow up, they sit there. And these are grown men basically. 16 year olds and 18 year olds and 19 year olds. And they cry. They cry like little children. Saying that, I don't care about these things.
When kids are little, they'll cry a little bit. I want that video game. You can't have it. He'll cry a little. He'll throw a little fish. That's what a kid does. That's his job. But they grow up to resent their father. Why? I didn't care about the house that we lived in.
And I didn't care about the cars that we drove. And all the things that I had. But I never had a real, I never had somebody to talk to. I never had somebody who just sat in there and just spent time with me. I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed my company. I got to know him. He got to know me. I didn't have that. And they resent their parents for it.
Daughters as well. I mean, we find out from many of the sisters who end up being very approachable. That they talk to young sisters and they also don't know their fathers. And their fathers have a very distant, awkward relationship with them. They feel like they can't even say more than two words to their father. It's like strangers living within a home.
And this is the reality of the matter. This has been going on for a long time. I grew up with friends. I grew up with guys. 20 miles from here. 15 miles from here. Arlington. And those friends have grown up to basically not have any semblance of a relationship with their parents. They're like strangers. Awkward strangers to each other. And this is a reality that's occurring.
So, the first thing I wanted to talk about, which is very obvious and I don't think that we have to spend a lot of time talking about it, is not letting our worldly ambition, materialistic ambitions, get in the way of raising a good, healthy family and spending time with them.
The More Serious Issue: Religious Work vs. Family
But now I wanted to get to the more serious issue. The thing that we don't talk about. Maybe we don't like to talk about. Or we haven't even realized that it's becoming a problem. When you look at the national scene, compared to a lot of other major cities, especially on the east coast, Dallas is still a younger community. The Muslim community here is still a younger Muslim community.
So, there's a lot of things that we're starting to realize and we'll continue to realize. But we need to learn the lesson from others. And that problem is, and I wanted to talk about this here because this is an active Muslim community. So, this is the ideal place to talk about this. That even our religious work, whether it be dawah work, Islamic organizational work, charity work, it could be even seeking knowledge and teaching knowledge. Imams and scholars and shuyuk, most definitely, they should be at the top of the list in this category.
Our religious work at the same time cannot get in the way of us spending time and raising good, healthy families. Religious work and families are not exclusive of one another. And if this is happening and if this culture is being created, there's a problem.
Quranic Examples of Boundaries
And I wanted to present a couple of things from the Quran that are very fascinating, very interesting. When you look into them, when you read into them, when you look between the lines, you find very amazing things.
The Incident in Surah Al-Hujurat
The first thing is from Surah Al-Hujurat. Allah سبحانه وتعالى in the fifth ayah of Surah Al-Hujurat, or the fourth ayah, Allah سبحانه وتعالى speaks about an incident that occurred during the lifetime of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . This is actually in Medina, much, much later, towards the end of the life of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. So, the Islamic state is established. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is very busy with running the Islamic state. He's the imam, he's the prophet, he's the messenger, he's the teacher, and he's the head of the Islamic state.
What an amazing job, what an admirable position to be in. But the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم has his routine is at the end of the day he retires home. He goes home, and he gives time to his family. It's his private time at home with his family. Some people arrive in Medina, and they're very anxious to meet with the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم, and to see him, and to learn from him, and benefit from him. And they're so anxious that they can't wait till the next day till he comes out, and has time for the community.
So they go outside of his house, his room, his apartment, his quarters, and they yell from over the wall. They're like yelling from behind the wall. Ya Muhammad, come on out, we came to meet you, we came from really far away.
Now I want you to think about this, very, very clearly, think about this. It's like a da'wah opportunity. Somebody came from very, very far away to find out about Islam.
What's the natural instinct, everyone? Putting the ayah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم aside, because we know what the ayah says. What's the first instinct when you think religiously speaking? MashaAllah, dinner can wait, the kids can wait, the family can wait. Da'wah, purpose of our lives. This is it, ultimate opportunity. Somebody is about to go to Jannah. Let's rush out there and let's do our job.
But what does Allah جل جلاله reveal? Allah says:
Indeed, those who call you, [O Muhammad], from behind the chambers - most of them do not understand.
These people, they don't understand. These people that are yelling at you from behind the wall, most of them لَا يَعْقِلُونَ they just don't get it.
What should they have done?
And if they had been patient until you [could] come out to them, it would have been better for them.
If they would have waited, patience. حَتَّىٰ تَخْرُجَ إِلَيْهِمْ - Until you came out to them, meaning it was time for you to deal with the community. لَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَّهُمْ - This would have been better for them.
What we learn from that is Allah جل جلاله is drawing the line for the Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم. He's very accessible, he's very approachable, he's very giving, very generous, very concerned, very kind. But Allah is drawing a line. No, no, no, no. When he's at home with the family, he's home with the family. It can't be said. This is such an unbelievable contradiction.
If serving deen means sacrificing family, it doesn't make sense. It can't make any sense. How can the most religiously active people be completely detrimental to themselves and their marriages and in their homes and in their families and be self-destructive with their own children?
The Tragic Reality
You know, I'm about to air some dirty laundry and tell you about what we talk about behind closed circles. People who are a little bit more Islamically active. We talk about this very consciously and we're all afraid of it. Imams and speakers and instructors and teachers.
Because it's become the norm, it's become a cliche that the children of imams, the children of the most religiously active people have very little to do with religion. They're usually very allergic to religion. Isn't that a sad thing? How did we get there?
The Incident in Surah Al-Ahzab
Now the other example from the Quran in regards to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. He's the ultimate example, right? In Surah Al-Ahzab, Allah says:
O you who have believed, do not enter the houses of the Prophet except when you are permitted for a meal, without awaiting its preparation. But when you are invited, then enter; and when you have eaten, disperse without seeking to remain for conversation. Indeed, that [behavior] was troubling the Prophet, and he is shy before you; but Allah is not shy of the truth.
Don't enter into the house of the Prophet إِلَّا أَن يُؤْذَنَ لَكُمْ - except that you have been given clearance, you've been given permission.
إلَى طَعَامِ - You've been invited to some food. غَيْرَ نَاظِرِين إنا - But don't sit around there and wait for the food to get ready. So you were invited at 6 o'clock, don't show up a little bit early, ask him, throw in a few extra questions, get a little discussion going, a little face time.
وَلَكِنْ إِذَا دُعِيتُمْ فَادْخُلُوا - No, no. This is time. When you've been invited, at the time that you've been invited, when you've been invited, then you come on in.
فَإِذَا طَعِمْتُمْ - But when you're done eating, what should you do? It's Q&A time. MashaAllah, let's have an ad hoc halaqah here. Let's just get things going. MashaAllah, you're here, we're here, Bismillah. Don't these things sound very, very familiar?
فَإِذَا طَعِمْتُمْ فَانتَشِرُوا - When you're done eating, leave, get lost. Go away.
وَلَا مُسْتَأْنِسِينَ لِحَدِيثِ - Don't sit around just talking and talking and talking and talking. One subject, that's why the word hadith is used. One subject after another subject, that means like a refreshing topic.
Like one thing, then another thing, and I read this, and I heard this, and I wanted to ask you this, and I wanted to ask you that. إِنَّ ذَلِكُمْ كَانَ يُؤْذِي النَّبِيِّ - Because this harms the Prophet. It's detrimental to his life, to his personal life.
His family's waiting inside, he prepared all day long, he hosted you, he's already working for you all the time, he spends all day long with you. Now that meal's done, it's evening time, his family's waiting inside, he's sitting there. فَيَسْتَحْيِي مِنكُمْم - But the messenger is just so generous, he feels ashamed of telling you to get lost.
وَالله لَا يَسْتَحْيِي مِنَ الْحَقِّ - But Allah is not ashamed, Allah is not afraid of presenting the truth to you. He doesn't shy away from the truth, from the reality of the matter, what's right.
So what's very important for us to understand is, the dawah work is very important. Only Allah knows how many more qualified, capable, dedicated people we need in Islamic organizations and masjids. And we need people in ilm and knowledge, seeking it and teaching it both. But all of these things should never contradict the institution that is family.
The Prophet's Example of Balance
And now I'll go back to that ayah that I started with, in which the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said what? Allah جل جلاله told the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم what? وَأَمْرُ أَهْلَكَ بالصَّلاة - You tell your family to pray. You teach your family to pray. This is why سبحان الله, we don't even think about these things.
You know what the sunnah, the practice of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was? He would pray the fara'id of course in the masjid, in the congregation, he would lead the congregation. Anybody know where he would pray his sunnah in his nawafid and extra or supergatory prayers? At home. Why? So he's at home praying with the family.
So coming to salah is not this two-hour ordeal, and then when he goes home, then it's just, that's it. You're out of it, time is over, you're exhausted, you're tired. Just cut to the chase, get to the point, fulfill personal needs, and that's it.
No, he would go pray at home, with the family members. Spend time with them. Very, very important.
This is how we pass on dunya. Even at the masjid, and this is part of the beauty of this community and this center, that there's a family environment here. Families need to practice being together. Families need to learn being together. But at the same time, very honestly, families also need to have recreation time together. There's nothing sinful.
Sitting and laughing and playing with your children, with your family, is deen. This sense of over- piousness. We need to depart from this. We need to be more intelligent from this. What did the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم give as a response to the man who was shocked by the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم kissing his grandchildren? Say, how can I help you if Allah didn't put mercy in your heart?
You know سبحان الله the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was such a family man. He was giving khutbah one time. Everybody know about the rules and the regulations of khutbah? Very stern, very severe. If you're sitting and listening to the khutbah, you're in the congregation, you're not giving it, you're listening to it. Somebody says salam to you, should you respond verbally to their salam, anybody? No, Imam Zia can tell us better, but we all know, very clearly, you're not even supposed to respond to their salam verbally.
The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is giving the khutbah. Hasan رضي الله عنه walks into the masjid and walks up to the minbar while the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is giving khutbah. Small grandson, small child. He's so overcome with love by looking at his grandchild. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم comes off the minbar, picks him up, hugs him, kisses him, tells everybody, this is my grandson, everybody check him out. And then puts him back on the ground, gets back on the minbar and continues his khutbah.
Family.
The Crisis in Our Community
We have a crisis of family going on in our community, whether we like to admit it or not. And there's two issues here. Like I said, the majority of people, the issue for them is dunya and these other things, materialistic ambitions and their own personal desires are getting in the way and the corruption of society is affecting them and families are falling apart. But in the smaller minority, but why is this the bigger issue I feel? Because this is the minority that is there to help out the majority. That minority is also suffering in family.
Because we feel that shafting our families, neglecting our children and investing that time that was for our children and our families and our wives and our parents and our brothers and sisters and relatives, that time, we invest into whatever religious pursuits or religious work we have and we feel that that's justified. And that's becoming a huge problem.
The Three Young Men: A Lesson in Balance
And I want to finally end by on this note. Everybody knows these two incidents. A Bedouin man, non- Muslim, Bedouin man walks into the masjid of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and urinates in the corner. Did the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم get angry with him? Anybody? Everybody? No, he didn't.
We all know that. He didn't get angry with him. Second incident. A young man, Muslim young man comes into the masjid of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم sits down in front of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and asks permission to go and commit fornication. Go and commit zina, a major sin. Did the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم get angry with him? No, he didn't.
The third thing that I wanted to ask you guys about is three youngsters in their religious fervor in that jolt of iman that you feel they come to one of the wives of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلمone of the mothers of the believers رضي الله عنها and they ask her about the daily routine of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. They find out he's got some masjid time, he's got some family time, he fasts some days, he doesn't fast some days. He sleeps for a little bit at night and he prays for a little bit at night. Very well divided up, well proportioned lifestyle.
(تَقَالُوهَا كَأَنَّهُمْ - Bukhari hadith 5063) - They felt like this was very little. He's very chill, relaxed. But their logic was that well, he's the messenger of Allah, so that's why he's taking it easy.
We need to be working that much harder. So they end up taking oaths. One of them takes the oath saying that I will never ever get married. No marriage, no children, no family for me. It's full time Allah Allah. The second one says I'm never going to sleep at night. All nighters, every single night. Just ibadah, worship, whatever. The third one says that I'm going to fast every single day of my life.
When the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم found out about what they had said, did the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم get angry with them? Yes, he did. He got angry with them. He sought them out.
When he heard about this, he went looking for them. Hadith says he went looking for them. He found them and the hadith describes the appearance of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلمhow angry he was, how disappointed he was.
He had a vein that would throb literally in his forehead. And he was angry with them. His face was red, flushed. And he was angry and he approached them. And asked them what they had said. And then the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم wouldn't speak this way to people commonly.
He said, (أَنَا أَعْلَمُكُمْ بِاللَّهِ وَأَتْقَاكُمْ لَهُ - Bukhari hadith 5063) - I am much more knowledgeable than you are about Allah and I fear Allah much much more than you do as well. Who do you people think you are? Now this is strange.
Somebody urinates in the masjid, another guy walks into the public in the masjid and tells the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلمI want to go commit fornication with such and such woman. And he's very nice and gentle and pleasant and kind. So, and these guys make an oath to I'm going to be a super religious man. And the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is very angry. It doesn't make sense.
So the scholars, they explain to us because what those two first individuals did was a sin. And so the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم took this very gentle, this trademark approach, if you will. Took this very gentle, kind approach to ward them off of their sin and change their lives. But what those three were doing was distorting the religion itself.
Creating piety where there is no piety. Creating a sense of religious zealousness where it's inappropriate. So the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was angry with them because they could distort the religion. They could set a bad example for people to come. And that's exactly what's happening right now. Somebody spends less time at home. Why? Because he's doing religious work. MashaAllah. سبحان الله.
Look at him. You're going home. Yeah, I'm not at his level. Not at his level? سبحان الله . I mean, where are you?
Personal Reflection and Research
And I'm finally going to share some personal reflection. Personal experience rather. الحمد لله I was able to grow up with a sense of loving the deen and enjoying being in the masjid. There's a very positive
association with it. Part of the reason for that is deen was always a family experience for us.
And growing up, my father was involved in religious dawah work and things like that. But I always saw a balance. Like he maintained a balance between work and family. Where he would come home at 5 o'clock every day. That was it. Finish. خلاص. No work after 5. Where customers or clients would be calling at home saying, it's a big order. I'll pay you extra.
I really need this. Could you really use the delivery? Or whatever it was, I'm sorry. Tomorrow, does that work for you? No, it doesn't work for you. سبحان الله. Thank you very much. That was it.
Family time is family time. But I also saw that on the religious front. So dinner at home every day together was a picture. Every single day. No compromise. So sometimes a brother from the masjid would call. We have a meeting. We have a halaqah. We have this dawah work to do.
I'll be there at 9 o'clock as I always come to pray isha. And inshallah I'll see you guys at 9. No, no, but we're doing it right now. We need you here right now. I'm sorry I can't make it. And there were times when you know the nasiha is imparted as well. The unsolicited advice. Brother, it's me. It's Allah, Rasul. The guilt trip.
But he maintained what was important to him. And that's what transferred over to us as well. And in June, in June 2006, the Center for Substance Abuse and Addiction at Columbia University, they published a research that Time Magazine picked up and they published as well.
And basically the premise of the research was that families that eat together, do dinner, have supper together, make healthier, happier homes and families. Just that amount of time we spend together. And سبحان الله we've been given this and a better way of doing it.
Practical Solutions
We have to spend time at home. We have to spend time with our families. And not just dinner, not just supper, but something more meaningful. Pray with your family. Have your son call out the azan. Have the family line up and the iqama is called. Pray together. Share a little bit of knowledge with them. Open those channels of communication. Break that ice. And this is the way that we need to go forward. If we handle things this way, we're setting up our families and our children to be better believers, better Muslims.
And the other thing is, if the parents pray, aren't the children more likely to pray? Obviously. If we're better family members, we're better fathers and husbands and sons even and brothers, then our children will also learn to be better family members. They'll learn that from us. They will absolutely learn that from us.
You know, in the Christian community, they have the fatherhood initiative. Back in the 60s and the 70s, we have a fatherhood initiative. We have a crisis of fatherhood. In the Muslim community, we have a crisis of fatherhood. And this is something that needs to be talked about more and more.
I met some brothers on the East Coast earlier this year in the summer when I was visiting the East Coast. The D.C., Maryland, Virginia area. I met some brothers there. They realized this was going on. And very religious practicing brothers were falling prey to this as well in the way I mentioned. So they started up an initiative called Muslim Fathers.
They started up a website, certain discussions and presentations getting this message out there. We need to commit ourselves to being good family members. And that's the best example and the best role model that we can be for our children.
Conclusion
And the best example, inshallah, that we can set for them. That we can set the right tone for the community. Because the Prophet (صَلَّىٰ ٱللَّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ - sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) was amazing. Was absolutely amazing. But part of what made him amazing was the completeness of his life. That he was a father and he was a husband and he fulfilled the right of being a family member.
May Allah (جَلَّ جَلَالُهُ - jalla jalaluhu) give us all the ability to practice as a community.