Romance & Islam

Romance & Islam - Complete Khutbah by AbdelRahman Murphy

Opening Greetings

"[Peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you]"

"[In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful]"

"[All praise is due to Allah, Lord of all the worlds. Peace and blessings be upon the leader of the prophets and messengers, our master Muhammad, and upon his family and companions, and upon all those who follow his way with excellence until the Day of Judgment. O Allah, make us among them, Ameen.]"

Introduction

Greetings and peace be upon you all. All praise is due to Allah, Lord of all the worlds. We send peace and blessings upon the leader of the prophets and messengers, our master Muhammad, and upon his family and companions, and upon all those who follow his way with excellence until the Day of Judgment. O Allah, make us among them, Ameen.

For those of you who didn't understand, it was a brief prayer thanking God for all the blessings that he gave us. The blessings that we know of and that we don't know of. There's a lot of blessings that we don't know about until they're taken away.

You don't know what you got until it's gone. There's a lot of people who encounter blessings by surprise. For instance, for those of you who came for extra credit and found out there was going to be free food.

As college students, free food is always a good thing. So we thank God for all his blessings. The essence of worshipping God is just out of gratitude for everything that he gave us.

And we also ask God to send his peace and blessings and his special graces upon the final messenger to mankind, Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. And we ask God to make us amongst those who follow his beautiful example. This topic is really interesting.

The Universal Nature of Love

I think that what's interesting about love in general is that it's kind of a universal language. It doesn't really have many or major restrictions to it. So kind of culturally, in a global atmosphere, people can talk about love or advertise a discussion on love and everyone will show up.

Because this is something that, and we believe in our tradition, the word qalb in Arabic means what? Heart, thank you Arab kids. The word qalb in Arabic means heart. But actually the word qalb in the Arabic verbal tense means to flip, means to switch, means to flip over.

The heart is a very interesting thing. The heart is an extremely interesting thing and it flips a lot. And I think that's why everyone likes to come and discuss because everyone's trying to find the magic formula.

How can I control the way my heart feels or the way someone else's heart feels about me? And really, if you came here for that, I'm going to disappoint you because the search is never ending. But I did want to highlight some points about love in Islam. A lot of you, maybe or maybe not, how many of you are Muslim by the way here? How many of you are not Muslim? Take them outside to the prison, no I'm kidding.

Islam as a Complete Way of Life

In Islam... Fox News, I'm done. So in Islam, a lot of people might be surprised that a religion would discuss a topic like love. I think some people would be a little confused that something like a deity or a messenger from God would discuss the topic of what love is.

But really, this is kind of part and parcel of the definition of what a deen is in the Arabic language. We believe as Muslims that our faith is not simply a faith that is to be part-time. It's a full-time thing.

You sign up for it all the time. It's a way of life more than it is a religion. And part of that, you get guidance from your religion on different aspects.

In Islam, we're taught guidance on dealing with business transactions. We're taught how to treat people that we're doing business with. The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said that if any Muslim person cheats a non-Muslim business, then on the day of judgment, the Prophet Muhammad will stand as a witness against the Muslim person, showing what? That the religion doesn't dictate justice.

The religion doesn't dictate who gets justice and who doesn't. That universally, people deserve what is right. And so the religion of Islam teaches us what? It teaches us about business transactions.

It teaches us about treatment of co-workers, treatment of family. It teaches us that heaven, there's an adage that's attributed to the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, that says that heaven lies under the feet of the mother. And if any of you are mothers, or if any of you have realized and recognized the difficulty of being a mother, then this narration makes a lot of sense, right?

We're taught even about personal hygiene. The Prophet, peace be upon him, guided people about personal hygiene. And he also taught us about love, which without personal hygiene, you will probably not get to experience. And that's why I gave him that order.

We have to make sure that we conquer personal hygiene before we ask her out on a date.

Islam's Healthy Definition of Love

So, despite popular belief, we look at Islam and we see the Muslim tradition, the Muslim faith, and despite popular belief about what it entails and what it discusses, you find that Islam does encourage a very healthy definition of what love should be. As someone who's studying to become a licensed professional counselor, who does a lot of counseling and a lot of reading about therapy and family development and personal development, I find that these translations of what love is are very comparable, very parallel, very congruent.

The Quran's Description of Love

In the Quran, in the holy scripture, which is considered to be like the third part, like the return of the Jedi, of the Abrahamic faith, right? So you got like Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi. If you don't watch all three, you'll never get the whole story. You know, Allah, God, describes love in many different ways, right? And there's a lot of different Arabic words that are used.

So for those of you who don't understand Arabic, I'm going to translate it. But I need to first explain something about the Arabic language. The Arabic language existed before the Quran was sent or revealed to the Prophet Muhammad.

It existed. And the Arabic language is something that's extremely deep. There's no such thing as a synonym in the Arabic language.

There may be two things that direct to the same meaning, but the connotation of the translation will give you different feelings, right? Give you different feelings. For example, the word hubb and the word... Well, the word hubb has two meanings. The word hubb in Arabic means what? Love.

It means love. But there's also another meaning, right? Habba, a word that's similar in its root, which means? A seed. Well, it means love too, very good, right? That's the point we're trying to make.

So it means love, but it also means a seed. And the reason why the Arabs would choose sometimes two different definitions for the same word was because they shared a meaning. And just like a seed, you have to plant it in the dirt a little bit, water, sunlight, right? Let it grow.

The Arabs understood that love also needed nurturing to grow. That it wasn't something that was just like transplanting a pot, a potted plant, but rather you had to plant it. And sometimes you have to plant things in dirt, which means what? You have to go through some difficulty.

And then after you plant it in the dirt, you have to feed it. And how do you feed love? Dates, movie nights, gifts, things like that. And then it grows.

So the Arabic language is very deep in its translation and its understanding. So when I tell you about these words, realize that they have a profound impact, right?

Sakina - Tranquility and Home

So the word sakina in the Quran, he says he created, or he ordained marriage and love between two spouses for the reason of sakina.

"(Quran 30:21)"

Litaskunu ilayha, he says. So that it may give you sakina. Sakina in the Arabic language means two things. Number one, it means home, right? So we gave you love so that you could find a place to live.

No, that doesn't seem right. The other translation which is accurate is tranquility. What's the relationship between home and tranquility? Everyone? When you're at home, you're tranquil.

When you're at home, you're tranquil, right? And home, by the way, doesn't have to be your literal house. You can find a coffee shop to be home for some people. The library for a lot of you during exam week becomes home for you, right? You can set up camps there, right? It becomes like Occupy Movement, Occupy Library.

So, in the Arabic language, peace and tranquility shares a definition with home. And this is the exact definition that God himself gave for the purpose of love. That the purpose of love is to provide both participants in a relationship a sense of peace, a sense of tranquility.

Rahma - Mercy

It was also described as rahma. Rahma means mercy. It means mercy.

So the purpose of love is also to give a sense of mercy to someone, right? And in order to express love completely, you have to have mercy. Any of you have ever been in a relationship before with someone else? A romantic relationship? I almost wish you were here to admit it. Anyone? You've been there, right?

Isn't mercy, part and parcel, kind of like the whole experience? Because mistakes will be made. You're taking two completely different people, and you're saying, Come on, get together. And they have different patterns, different routines, different, you know, kind of, sort of, habits. And in that, when people make mistakes or people conflict or clash, mercy is necessary.

It's part and parcel of the equation. So God himself is saying you need mercy.

Mawadda - Unconditional Love

He also says you need mawadda, which means love. But it's not just pure love, because what's the other word for love? Hubb. So there's two different words for love. Now, hubb is a love that grows.

Mawadda is a love that is never-ending and unconditional. So God is saying, in order to have a successful relationship, right? And in the Islamic tradition, this relationship is within the parameters of marriage. Right? But in order to have a successful relationship, God says you need to be tranquilizing, not like a dart, but like in a romantic way, to each other.

Right? You need to give tranquility to one another. You need to be merciful to one another. Right? That's part and parcel of the package.

And you need to have unconditional love. Unconditional. Right? Put on the two pounds, I still love you. Put on more, my love is thinning. Right? There's a certain limit. Right? It happens, right? It happens.

And so you need to have those three things. This is what God himself has described. And I find in my books, when I talk about relationship building, personal development, and love, these are the kind of definitions that I find, even in the Western secular definition of the concept.

The Quran and Sunnah as Sources

Now, what's interesting is that when you look at the Qur'an, and you look at the life of the Prophet Muhammad, this is what you'll find. And these are the two legislative powers that we have in the religious faith, is the Qur'an, which is the scripture, and the Sunnah, which is the practitioning of that scripture by the Prophet. So you have the Qur'an, and then you have the Prophet, who was described by his wife as a Qur'anuyamshi, a walking Qur'an.

Someone who lived the message so strongly that his life became a legislative power. And so the reason you look at these two sources, you find that the Qur'an is not very strict about what and how to treat your spouse. It doesn't say, if you love your wife, buy her a Gucci handbag.

It doesn't say that, believe it or not. And I know a lot of girls are going, dang. It doesn't say if you love your husband, buy him a Ferrari.

It doesn't say these things. What it says is, treat them with goodness. There's a reason why it's vague.

There's a reason why it's vague. Because when things are restricted, then you create copycats. You create a sort of limited definition and scope of what love can be.

Modern Media's Limited Definition of Love

And we find this in the pop culture and the media, in the globalized effort of pop culture and media. We find that we have our definitions of love defined by certain things. Can anyone raise their hand and tell me what is love defined by in the current day and age? Yeah? Money.

Money, okay, so money can define love. But who is shaping our definition of love? What is shaping? Who, what? Hollywood. Hollywood, very good.

What else? Major group. Who? Major group of people. Major group of people. Elaborate on that. Any population. Any population, okay, so like societal norms, culture, right, culture can dictate.

Very good. What else? Reality TV. Huh? Reality TV. Reality TV. That's what makes you beautiful, right? I'm trying to lean towards more like the music side. But you're right, reality TV, Hollywood, I really appreciate.

You know, there's one girl, actually, I do a youth study circle every Sunday with my youth group. And we talked about love one week. We talked about love because a lot of these kids are like, I'm in love.

I'm like, with who? And she's like, I just met him. 20 years ago. I was like, what's his name? I don't know.

It's so perfect. Like, I don't know. Everyone needs to know his name.

And his name ends up being like Mortimer. She's like, no, no. But this girl, have you guys ever seen, what's the movie? Is it called P.S. I Love You? With, is it Hilary Swank? Is that who it is? Okay, no, the guy dies later from the grave.

Kind of creepy. Okay, so this girl, so we're talking, it's actually really romantic. Give me a wave.

So, we were talking about love. We were talking about love in my youth halqa, which is the Muslim word for my study circle. And these kids were like, yeah, I was like, tell me what you want your love to be like, right? And this girl goes, I want my love to be like P.S. I love you.

And I was like, let me get this straight. She's like 16. I said, let me get this straight. You want the guy that you haven't met yet to die and then send you letters from the grave? And you haven't even, she's like, it would be so nice. I was like, no.

And you can see how this has molded and shaped her idea of what love is.

A lot of kids were like, I want my spouse to be like my dad is to my mom. You know, he takes care of her. He gets whatever she needs.

And I was like, that's good. Good, healthy role model, right? And then a lot of kids were like, a little bit pushing it with some movie references. You got like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, which I can agree with.

He's our drop, right? Other, other references. That's fine. But once you start pushing it to the realm of not real anymore, right? Not, not even, not even based off of reality anymore, then it becomes dangerous.

And what happens is you limit what can be called love. You limit.

The Five Love Languages

There's a book called The Five Love Languages. And this book, if any of you are in any relationship, and all of us are in some sort of relationship, may not be romantic, could be platonic, everyone needs to read this book. This book talks about sharpening your communication in two ways, in giving and receiving. So that you're able to give communication in a way that's healthy and receive it in a way that's healthy.

Because everyone has different ways that they communicate love. What happens is when you listen to Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift and Kelly Clarkson, who broke up with like 3,000 people apparently, because every song is about her ex-boyfriend, she's really angry, and you listen to One Direction, you find that they are very limiting in the scope of what they allow to be love.

And it's not their fault. They're just trying to make money off of four-year-old girls. It's fine. Right? But, but, the unintended consequence of that is that we, our reality begins to be confined.

Right? And there's a reason why, when I look at the definition of love in the Muslim tradition, you find this to be very vague.

The Prophet's Example of Love

The Prophet himself said, when your wife calls you, or your husband calls you, say, I'm at your service. That's vague.

In Arabic, it's a very sweet way of saying, I'm here for you, what do you need, girl? It's a really nice way of saying that. Right? It doesn't limit it. It doesn't limit it.

You know, there's a lot of stories from the life of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, that are very interesting. Where he would, they would be on a caravan, a trade caravan, and he and his wife would kind of like, you know, pull the, hit the brakes a little bit on the camels, and they would pull back a little bit, and they would get off the camels, and they would race in the desert against each other. And this happened twice.

The first time, she beat him. Because she was like, you know, guys are a little bit bigger, a little more, a little more weight to carry. And she was, she was younger and spry.

So she beat him. Right? And she kept like poking fun at him, like, you're so old and slow, like, I just beat you. Then they were passing by that same place years later, and they got off the camel again, they raced, and he beat her.

And he said, this one's for that one. I mean, like, one and one. We're tied now, right? 50-50.

You find that these are great examples, but he never ever limited it. He never ever said, this is how you love, and this is not how you love your spouse. He never ever said that.

The Confusion Between Culture and Religion

And so we find that this is a very healthy way to do so. In the Islamic tradition, you find that there's, there's oftentimes a big confusion. And this is, this is part of the downfall of love in Islam, is you find the confusion and a blurring of the lines between culture and religion.

You find that oftentimes culture can dictate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in the lines of marriage. You know, there is narrations talking about how the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, the first thing he would do when he entered his house would give his wife a kiss. And the last, or the first, the last thing he would do before leaving his house would be give his wife a kiss.

How many of you grew up in Muslim households? Have you ever seen your mom and dad kiss? Ew, right? Like, no way. And like, it's funny because my wife and I will be walking and I'm a youth minister. I represent the mosque.

And so when I walk with my wife, like, I'll hold her hand. And her dad never held her mom's hand in public. Although they love each other very much, but culturally it wasn't accepted, right? So I'm a white guy, so I grab my wife's hand and I go over there.

Right? And she says, what are you doing? I'm like, shh, watch. And all the kids start looking, they're like. Right? But then later on they come and ask, and I'm like, do you know the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him? He said openly in front of all of his guy friends.

Can you imagine if you're kicking it watching the Bears beat the Jacksonville Jaguars or the Dallas Cowboys, right? Or whoever team. You're kicking it with your homies, your girlfriend or your wife walks in,

and you're just like, hey guys, hold on. You're all laughing about Tony Romo's 13th interception.

And you're just like, you're like, hey baby, I love you. Can you imagine what they would do? The guy would be like, what? The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, in public. In public.

Very openly in front of his companions and friends. His wife is walking by, he's like, Aisha, I love you. Right? And he wasn't in trouble, he wasn't in the doghouse, he just wanted to communicate his feelings.

The Story of Ahmad ibn Aas

Right? Now there was a specific character that the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, had that he, the way he treated people was so well that they all thought they were his favorite. You guys all have that friend who thinks he's your best friend but they're really not your best friend? That's kind of the situation that was going on. Right?

So one time, this is a very beautiful story, one time this man, his name was Ahmad ibn Aas, may God be pleased with him. Ahmad ibn Aas, he said, he was bragging to all other companions. Because this is the Prophet of God, so you want to get close to him, right? Whenever you meet a celebrity or someone famous, in your heart you want to become endeared to them.

So, Ahmad ibn Aas was talking to the other companions and he was like, I'm his favorite for sure. And they were like, why? And he was like, because he talks to me, he takes me out to lunch, all these things, like I'm his favorite.

So they're like, huh, you really think you're his favorite? Because they were telling him, that's normal dude, he does that with all of us too. They know he's different, right? So, they were like, if you really think, if you really think that he's your favorite or you're his favorite, why don't you ask him? They're like, okay.

They're like, no, no, in front of all of us. You want to get the answer too. So, the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, walks by and Ahmad says, Ya Rasool Allah, O Messenger of God, who is your favorite? Who is your favorite? Like, who's your favorite person?

And he says, Aisha, his wife, Aisha.

In front of everyone. And then he goes, no, Prophet, we know that your wife is your favorite, all of our wives are our favorite, we know, right? But in the romantic realm, right? Where, who becomes, who is your favorite then?

And he says, Abu Ha, her father. Her father's name was Abu Bakr.

For those of you who don't know, Abu Bakr was the Prophet's homie. They were like, they were like type, right? He didn't even refer to her father by her father's name. He referred to her father in reference to her.

That's how much he loved his wife. So, instead of saying, my second favorite is Abu Bakr. He said, it's her father.

Because his love was just overwhelming, just spilling over out of his heart, that he didn't even reference his best friend by his actual name. It's beautiful stories, right? Extremely beautiful stories. And you find that that love was reciprocated.

The Story of the Abyssinian Dancers

I do this a lot, but it's really fun. I think people enjoy it. Can I get a volunteer? Dean? Okay.

So there is, the story is narrated. Everyone knows what I'm doing. Okay.

So, there's a story that's narrated where the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, there is a young group of Abyssinian men, right? Abyssinia was in Africa. And even back then, black people were better dancers. Okay? So Abyssinian men, let's just be honest, right? They know how to dance.

It's a different kind of dance. Right? So, and I'm half-African, so I have the right to choose. So, the dancing part, unfortunately, was not the genetic part that I got.

And so, so they were dancing in the mosque. They were dancing in the mosque. They were doing a traditional kind of dance that they did, a cultural, traditional dance that they do.

And Aisha, the Prophet's wife, wanted to see it. She was like, I want to go watch it. Right? And the Prophet was like, you know, kind of like, you guys are on a date with your wife.

Let's go to the museum. And you're like, okay. Right? Because I'm going to go to some nice restaurant afterwards.

And they go, and they're looking at this art piece. And you're like, isn't it beautiful? And you're like, yes. It looks like dots.

Right? So, this is kind of the reaction. He was like, okay, I guess we can watch it. So what happens is, these are the dancers over here.

You guys are dancing. Right? And Dean is going to play the part of Muhammad, and I'll play the part of Aisha. Now, Aisha was shorter than the Prophet.

So, her legs were down, but her legs were really short. So, what happens is, what happens is, she's watching from over his shoulder. You see this a lot.

You go to concerts. You go to, like, different, like, football games, and stuff like that. You see, like, you know, the guy and the girl, the husband and the wife, the person, the people in a relationship.

They're, like, holding each other. Right? Watching from the shoulder. So she was watching from over his shoulder.

And she's narrating this story after he had passed away. So, there's really no reason for her to embellish. Right? There's no reason for her to embellish.

So, she says, we were watching the Abyssinian dancers, and I put my chin on his shoulder, and we were so close that his cheek was touching my cheek. Now, Aisha was shorter than the Prophet. So, how many of you have ever done, like, tiptoe squats before, where you had to, like, you had to run for it? It's difficult.

Right? So, she's shorter. So, she can't, obviously, put her face into it. She's going to have to get on her tippy toes.

Now, what happens when you get on your tippy toes, without any sort of support, you kind of lean forward. Right? So, recall, it's safe to imagine that she was like this. So, they're watching.

So, they're watching. They're watching the dancers. And, as any male in a relationship or husband would do after, like, 37 seconds, he would say, are you done? And, she says, no.

And, they keep watching. And, then, after a while, he says, are you done? No. And, then, one more time, are you done? And, then, she says, yes.

Right? And, then, they leave. And, that's the whole situation. After his death.

Thank you very much. Everyone, round of applause. After his death, after the death of the Prophet Muhammad, you guys thought that was cute.

After his death, she's telling the story. They're reminiscing about, you know, their marriage and things like that. Much like, you know, a lot of couples do when one passes away or they get separated.

And, she says, you know what the funny thing is about that whole story? She goes, I had no interest in watching the dancers. She goes, I just wanted my cheek to be on his cheek. And, that's the amount of love that's reciprocated.

And, again, culturally, it's tough. It is tough. And, you find this, by the way, not only in Muslim cultures.

You find this amongst the Hindu Indians. You find this amongst, you know, any Chinese, Japanese. In many Eastern cultures, you find that public expressions of love, not PDAs.

Not the nasty stuff that happens in high school hallways. But, just wholesome, healthy public expressions of love are oftentimes very limited. And, in Islam, this isn't the case.

In Islam, this is not what is taught. In Islam, an expression of love, a healthy expression of healthy love is taught. And, it's taught that it's part and parcel of a very good romantic relationship.

Q&A Session

And, so, that's all I have to say. I really like basing a lot of my discussions around Q&A. Because, I feel like I can only talk for so long.

And, then, it begins to get boring. My jokes get lamer and lamer. And, so, I'll just stop while I'm ahead.

Inshallah. Thank you all for coming. And, if anyone has any questions, I'd be more than happy to yield them right now.