I guarantee Paradise for him

"...I guarantee Paradise for him"

Sheikh AbdelRahman Murphy - Parenting Session

Opening and Introduction

I want to first and foremost begin my time with you this morning by thanking you. This is obviously the parenting session. If we had to have a session for college or high school kids, it would have to be at their morning time, which is 1 p.m. And I want to also apologize on behalf of myself and potentially even the mistaken organizing.

Generally speaking, it's better to give the later parts of the session to the more senior, trained, knowledgeable, veteran, tenured imams and leaders. And so for me to speak after Sheikha Imam Khalid is actually, I consider it to be a lack of adab on my part, and so I want to apologize to Imam Khalid. I think it's especially important given the socio-political reality that we are in and the city that we are in, that the message that you just gave us is heard every session.

And alhamdulillah, I think that IKNA, alhamdulillah, has done a wonderful job in expressing the simple fact that black lives do matter. And alhamdulillah, I want to thank IKNA and the speakers and the organizers for doing such a wonderful job. Takbir.

Now as we move on, inshallah, this is a topic that I'm particularly passionate about. It's something that I'm very sensitive to because of my work with young people. For those of you who don't know, I've served as a youth director and a Muslim chaplain for the past five or six years.

I've worked with Muslim youth informally, formally, part-time, full-time for the last decade. Alhamdulillah. And I would not have it any other way.

But with that work, with that territory, comes a lot of experience, comes a lot of stories. And unfortunately, a lot of work has to be done. A lot of construction has to happen.

We have to build from where we are.

The Du'a That Teaches Us About Parent-Child Relationships

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in the Qur'an, He teaches us something very important about the words that we use with regards to our children, our kids. No matter how old they are, whether they're young toddlers, teenagers, or they've graduated college, getting married, etc.

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in the Qur'an, in a beautiful du'a that all of us know, He teaches us the reciprocal relationship between the impact parents have on their kids and the kids subsequent understanding of their Rabb. When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

"My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."

Now we know in the Arabic language that there are specific meanings. And if there's one thing that Shaykh Nauman, masha'Allah, has done, and Shaykh Abdul Nasser and other teachers like them, may Allah protect them, is that they've really increased our awareness to the subtleties of Qur'anic language.

That there's beautiful hidden meanings in each word. So we know that every word has its unique meaning. And we also know that in the Qur'anic culture, in the Qur'anic sunnah of Allah, that when He uses one word for two different things, those things have a relationship.

For example, Allah uses the word (رَحْمَة - rahma) which means what? Mercy. Very good. He also uses it to describe what weather phenomenon? Rain.

Right? Allah uses (رَحْمَة - rahma) to describe the rain. Why? Because rain is a mercy, especially if you're a desert Arab. Right? And so, when we know those two things are connected, we now have a more, subhanAllah, appreciative understanding of the rain.

We don't stand out there and curse the rain when the rest of the earth is thanking Allah for that rain. Because we understand that rain is (رَحْمَة - rahma). So in this du'a, Allah uses the word, actually He uses only one word twice.

All the other words are unique. He uses the word (رَبِّ - rabbi) twice. (رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا - Rabbi irhamhuma kama rabbayani sagheera) Oh Allah oh my Rab, have mercy on those two.

Who are those two that is being spoken about? Are the parents. This is the du'a of the children for the parents. (كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا - kama rabbayani sagheera) like when they nurtured me. Just like when they sustained me when I was young. One of my teachers of tafsir, he said something beautiful about this du'a. Listen to this.

He said this du'a teaches every reader of the Qur'an that whatever relationship a parent has with their child is going to be the relationship that that child has eventually with their Lord. (كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا - kama rabbayani sagheera) The way that our children view us is the way that they are going to view maybe not in totality but for a time their Lord. Why? Because we are an authority position over our children.

We are caretakers, sustainers, we are responsible for those kids. So if we speak down to the children, if we yell at them, criticize them all the time then guess what tone they're going to read the Qur'an with. Allah is speaking down to me, He's criticizing me, He's yelling at me all the time.

If we speak to them with love and care and compassion then they will also see that in their relationship with Allah. This is part of the responsibility of parenthood. This is part of the responsibility of being a parent.

Understanding Young People's Need for Respect

And you know when I interact with young people the constant complaint that I get from them is that my parents don't treat me like I'm my own person. My parents don't treat me, and they say like an adult and that's when I have to correct them, you're not quite an adult, right? They're like, yes I am. I'm like, no you're not.

They're like, yeah I am, like show me your cell phone bill. They're like, I don't have one, my parents pay for it, right? I'm like, okay, well, why don't we go out to eat, can you pay for it? No, I have to ask my dad for money. Okay, so what kind of an adult are you, right? It's like, where do you live, Sesame Street? Like, where's your apartment going to be, you know?

But the idea is that even if they may not be full-fledged adults they still deserve and really seek their own creative, intellectual, emotional space and their own entity of understanding and it's important that as parents we give that to them.

The Example of Ibrahim (عليه السلام): Valuing Your Child's Opinion

And the Qur'an and the seerah especially, the Qur'an both and the seerah they teach us the value of offering opinion and intellectual capital to our children even if there's no room for it, subhanAllah. We all know the story of Prophet Ibrahim (عليه السلام). We all know the famous story, the sacrifice that had to be made that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala showed him in his dream that he had to, what? Slaughter his son.

So he takes his son Ismail and he actually says to him something beautiful.

We know that prophets, by the way, when they get revelation, they have no choice. When Allah tells them to do something, it's not up for debate. They can't say, ya Allah, can we, you know, I have another kid, I'd rather slaughter him. You know, like, there's no negotiation problem. Muslims love bargaining, right? But the prophets didn't bargain when it came to this kind of stuff. When it was wahi, it was done, there's no argument.

So he goes to his son, knowing this, that there's no argument, it's set in stone. And he says:

He says, tell me, tell me what you see. God has given me this mission, I have to complete this task.

But even though there's no choice in the matter, I still value your opinion. (فَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَى - fanzur maza tara) Tell me how you feel about this. Because you're my son and what you feel matters to me.

The Importance of Fathers in the Family Structure

And this is especially for the fathers. Because we know, we emphasize a lot the importance of mothers. I don't have to go on about the importance of mothers because the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) has done so.

And my words will never be better than the words of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). We can remind ourselves, obviously, your mother, your mother, your mother, your father. This is the one that the mothers, mashaAllah, really like.

They get it written in calligraphy and hung in the house, right? Over the entire house. Like, yeah, just look at that real quick, okay? Alright, honey? Sweetie? Yeah, check that out, right? But the reality is that in one of the verses and stories in the Qur'an, Yusuf Alayhi Salaam, and this is beautiful. One of the Mufassireen was saying this.

That when he sees the dream, right? In the beginning of the story that we know. When he sees the dream, he sees his siblings as what entity? Very good, stars. He sees his mother and father as which entities? The sun and the moon.

He didn't say, I see all of you as stars. He says, my siblings are stars, okay? And stars, especially back in the time of the Arabs in Arabia, in this time. But even now, we're used as what? GPS, direction.

Family is an entity of direction to give us guidance on how to go, how to move in life. Your siblings might be around your age, but you know what? They can help you out with some direction, some guidance on some things. But even more important than the stars are what entities? The sun and the moon.

And the sun, subhanallah, is the thing, the biggest star. And without the sun, what would the earth be? Cold, dead, desolate. Would there be life on the earth without the sun? The sun is the thing that allows us to see everything.

By the light of the sun, we are able to see what is here, what is there. By the existence of relationship with our fathers, we are able to see right versus wrong. They are able to guide us from here to there.

So fathers, please, this message is very important to you. In this conference alone, I've had 3, 4, 5, 6 people after each session come to me. I have a bad relationship with my dad.

Do not leave this weekend having a bad relationship with your kids. Don't leave this weekend. Sheikh Abdel Nasser said it last night.

There's no value in coming to a conference about building community while we raise homes full of apostates. There's no value going out and doing street dawah and going and introducing people to Islam. Speaking at churches and lecturing on what Islam means while our kids are going to those same churches later on in life.

There's no value in that. You might think I'm being sensational but this is the reality that we see. Imam Khalid can tell you that the most practicing active community members in our community, the ones who invest the most time at the masjid unfortunately, are the ones who neglect their children at home the most.

Even studying tafsir. When your kid comes to you and wants to sit with you and talk to you, turn Noman Ali Khan off. Right? I know it's hard.

But you can close the video inshaAllah ta'ala, right? Have those conversations.

Luqman's Example: Speaking with Loving Language

You know Luqman was somebody and his story in the Qur'an is so remarkable. And we find in one simple word usage that Luqman has. We find in one simple word usage. What kind of relationship he had with his son. And as mothers and fathers we can all benefit from this, right? When he speaks to his son and he's not just giving him like a grocery list.

I need you to go get dal, chawal. I need you to get gosht, murgi. He's not like telling him like go and buy these things, right? Make sure you get khayar or tamatum with this and that.

No, right? He's telling him like life advice. (يَا بُنَيَّ - ya bunayya). Which in Arabic is like the beloved way of saying, (يَا ابْنِي - ya ibni) my son.

Oh my dear son. The one that I love so much. Have any of us ever said this in that tone? Right? And saying (يا جاهل - ya jahil) Right? (يا كلب - ya kalb). (يَا حَيَوَان - ya hayawan) Right? That's not equal actually.

They're not synonyms with (يَا بُنَيَّ - ya bunayya). Believe it or not, I know it's shocking, right? But look at the way he's speaking to him. With such endearing, loving language.

Why? Because the message is that important. If we want our young people to grow up with strong iman, we cannot discount the language we use with them. We cannot discount the way that we talk to them.

Parents Are Primary Faith Builders

Allah has made each and every parent, the initial provider of faith building. Imams, teachers, shuyukh, youth directors, youth groups. These are all secondary.

Islamic schools. These are all secondary. The first and primary figure of education, of tarbiyah, of mentorship, and of faith building in the home of a young person is mom and dad.

We cannot discount that. We can't run away from it. And as Shaykh Abdul Nasser said in a previous session, the advent of getting other people to teach our kids Quran, how to pray, Islam.

The advent of that was never seen amongst the time of the companions. It's such a rare thing, such a very ajeeb occurrence. Right? And the unfortunate thing is that we get called, the imams and scholars get called when the situation is a little bit too late.

A Father's Misunderstanding About His Son

I once had a brother come to me, and he said, you know, my son is a hypocrite. My son is a munafiq. And I was like, wow. How was your Saturday breakfast with him? It must be awkward. How do you have breakfast with a hypocrite? And he said, he's a hypocrite. I said, okay, uncle, I understand you're very upset, but why don't you explain to me why you keep calling him a hypocrite? He said, well, I was reading a hadith.

And usually conversations that start with that is pretty bad. Because the person is like, I was reading a hadith, and now I'm the biggest scholar and muhaddith of all time. Because I was reading English translation of a hadith.

So I was reading a hadith, and the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said that the most difficult prayer, the most difficult prayers for the hypocrites are which prayers? Fajr and Isha, especially in jama'at and congregation. And he said, my son, I tell him every day you should go to Fajr and Isha, and lo and behold, he doesn't go. So, one plus one equals two, he's a hypocrite.

Lecture Notes

It's done, done deal. So I said, uncle, with all due respect, can I ask you a question? He said, sure, go ahead. I said, how old is your son? He said, 14.

I said, uncle, can I ask you, have you always been praying Fajr and Isha in the masjid? He goes, no. He goes, when I was younger, I used to listen to like vital signs and like different things, you know, mashallah, like I was kind of hip. Now I got religious, mashallah, you know, I heard a lecture and now I'm like reformed, right? He said, when did you start praying in the masjid? He said, when I was 34.

I said, your son has 20 more years to listen to you. You don't have the right to call your son a hypocrite for 20 more years. Why do we hold our kids accountable for things that we ourselves didn't even do when we were their age? Why do we make our kids feel guilty for being teens or for being young people, young adults, when we ourselves were not doing? Now, don't get me wrong.

There are some things that adults were doing at that age that we need to instill in our young people. Hard work, motivation, studying, these things need to happen. But this can't be the crux of your relationship.

The Prophet's Approach to His Children

You cannot only talk to your kids when it's time to pray or time to study or time to wake up or time to go to sleep. That cannot be the source and the content of our conversation with our children. The Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) would talk to Fatima radiyallahu anha, his beloved daughter.

He would talk to her about the issues of community when she was a preteen. When she was under the age of 13, he would ask her, talk to her, update her on the issues of community. You know, when Zaynab, when Zaynab's husband who was a non-Muslim at the time in the battle of Badr, when his daughter Zaynab had requested that I want my husband to be released, he was so caring and merciful to his child that he actually released her husband even though he was from the opposite side, he fought against them.

And later on he converted, became a Muslim. He gave Uthman leave from going to a battle to take care of his sick wife who was the daughter of Ruqayya. This was the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) management and upbringing of his children.

Knowledge Should Bring Families Together

And I'm telling you, if you find that your engagement with this faith, with Islam, with knowledge, with gaining knowledge, seeking knowledge, becoming more religious, whatever that means anyways, if you find that your journey on becoming more religious is distancing you from your family, then know that the knowledge you are gaining is a proof against you, not for you on the Day of Judgment. Families should be brought together by knowledge, not torn apart. The hadith that I remember most now even as someone who is studying full time, the hadith that I remember most are the ones that my mother taught me sitting on the couch in our living room when I was 7, 8 years old.

Why? Because she didn't sit and yell them at me. She sat next to me with her arm around me, with her finger on the book as I was reading to her, saying, good job, I love you, I'm proud of you. These are words of affirmation we have to give.

The Importance of Expressing Love and Appreciation

I was once at a youth qiyam in Milwaukee, right? I was once there and I asked, it was a bunch of young brothers, and I want to, by the way, give props. Last night, mashallah, we criticize our young brothers a lot. We say that they're all, you know, like, they're boys, they're not mature, they don't take life seriously, they just want to play Xbox.

All of these might be true, right? But last night, I will tell you this, we had a session upstairs for only the young men, and it packed, it was standing room only. Maybe they thought Noman Ali Khan's shoe was left in there or something, but it was standing room only, mashallah. Right? I love Noman, I'm just making, I'm just picking fun, right? But it was packed.

These young brothers were there for an hour and a half. Tears were shed, mostly by me, right? Tears were shed, laughs were there, right? And at the end, we all made dua together to Allah to bring us closer to Him. These are the young men of this ummah.

These are the real young men of this ummah. I want to say I'm so proud of them, and I love them so much for the sacrifice they made last night when they could have been anywhere else. The weather is beautiful, we're in a fun part of town, but they were there learning about their Lord.

Takbir. These are the young men. And the young sisters, the reason why I'm not letting them know is because this is, that's normal for them, right? Like staying, studying, attending session, that's normal.

But we criticize the young men a lot. And I want to say that if we keep criticizing them, then we're going to keep regressing them back into boys. Right? But I was at a youth qiyam, and I asked a question to a group of young men, right, 13 and up.

I said, how many of you can remember the last time that your parents said I love you? And all of them raised their hands. And I said, how many of you removed the time when they said I love you because you got an A on your last exam? And all of them lowered their hands. Literally when I said, how many of you remember this without any academic performance, your parents just came to you and said, Wallahi, my son, I love you.

You're such a good son, I appreciate you. And no one raised their, this is a room full of 70, 80 kids. This is an issue.

If the amount of criticism that we're offering to our young people is not cushioned, surrounded by, fortified by love and appreciation that is at least an equal amount, then we are internally destroying the hearts of our young people. We need to show them that we appreciate them. This was the culture of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم).

The Prophet's Compassion with Children

That he appreciated young people's struggles. He didn't, you know, make them feel less. He went to Anas' brother and he buried:

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

Oh, Aba Umair, what happened to your bird? This young boy's bird passes away.

And the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) goes and consoles him and buries the bird with him. This is the seal of prophethood taking an hour or two out of his day to talk to a toddler about a pet that died. This was how he handled young people.

Ask yourself, when is the last time, as an adult, not necessarily a parent, as an adult, when's the last time we've given young people that kind of time, that kind of sensitivity, that kind of love? We say, you know, my kids, they're not like the kids of the companions. My kids, they yell in the masjid, they run, they play, this and that. Do we treat our kids like the companions treated their kids? One time a Bedouin man came to the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) as he kissed Hassan Hussain.

He showed his love for them, right? He kissed them. And a Bedouin man came to the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and he said, You kiss your boys? Your young boys, you give them kisses? And the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, Yes, of course, I love them. And the Bedouin man said, Wallahi, I have ten sons.

Not once have I ever kissed them. Right? Like macho man. Trying to like show something.

The Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

(Sahih Muslim)

How can I help you if Allah has removed mercy from your heart? An indication that a person has rahmah in their heart is if they are able to show love to their children. If a person is unable or it's difficult for them to show love, unsolicited love, nothing, nothing that earned the love necessarily, but just unconditional. If a person is unable to show that love, the Prophet has taught us now in this hadith, that is an indication that rahmah is void from that person's heart.

Altogether. He didn't say mercy for your kids. He said, how can I help you if Allah has taken mercy generally away from you? Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala protect us.

Say, Ameen. This is a huge issue. And I'm telling you that the foundation of our community, if you want to see it strong, if you want to see it move forward, if you want to see it become better, a community like the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم), one that when he sees us on the Day of Judgment, he will be proud of us.

If you want to see that kind of community, that community starts at home. That community starts with happy, healthy marriages. Happy, healthy relationships between spouses, kids and their parents.

And then eventually it grows into what we know to be a community. We ask Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala to give us tawfiq.

Three Practical Steps for Better Relationships

What are some ways that we can do this? Number one, for young people as well, because I know there are some young people here.

Make sure that right now, as soon as I am done giving this lecture, you pull out your phone, and you text your kids or your parents words of love and words of forgiveness. And words of asking for forgiveness. Parents too, ask your kids for forgiveness.

For any mistakes that you may have made. And if you feel like, why should I have to ask them for forgiveness? Then you really should ask them for forgiveness. Because there were times where you said something, parents, that destroyed your kids' self-esteem.

There were times where you told them things like, you're a failure. I'm so upset with you that you didn't do this well. There were times where you said that, and that really hurt them.

And they're not able to move on. They come to me at conferences with tears in their eyes. My dad said I'm a failure. My mother said that she's so disappointed in me. Ask your kids for forgiveness for those words. Kids, ask your parents for forgiveness.

Beg them, I'm so sorry for what I've done that disappointed you, I'm gonna be better. And then add some words of love. Tell your parents that, wallahi, without you, I don't know where I would be in this world.

Tell your kids, you know Allah in the Quran, He uses three words for when He gives something. (إيتاء, إعطاء and هباء). The word He uses, I don't have enough time to talk about this.

The word He uses for children:

(Quran 25:74)

The word He uses for children is, (هباء). You know what (هباء) means in the Arabic language? A gift. The other two are provisions.

(هباء) is a gift. Parents, text your kids and say, I'm so happy Allah gifted you in my life. I would never have asked for any gift better than you being my son or my daughter.

And this is the beginning of a relationship that Allah will be proud of and that will please the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). And we will find ourselves, Subhanallah, on that day entering Jannah hand in hand with our families. Do we want that? Of course we want that.

The Final Moments of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم)

The ending days of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Where did he spend his final days? Did he spend it in the masjid preaching until he passed away? He passed away in the lap of his wife. His

daughter came in.

Listen to this story as I conclude. His daughter Fatima came in and she said she was crying. And she hugged her father. She embraced him. She was concerned. She knew that he was about to leave.

And he whispered something in her ear and she started laughing. And they asked her, they said, you were crying and then you started laughing. What happened? She said that my father told me that I will be joining him soon in Paradise and I became so overwhelmed.

I became so overwhelmed with happiness that I couldn't hold my laughter. I just started laughing. Even though it means I'm going to leave this world, I just started laughing.

How many of us if we told our kids, you're going to spend the rest of eternity with me in Jannah. They'd be like, no, right? We want our kids that when those final moments are happening, may Allah protect us from painful endings. May Allah give us Hussain and Fatima.

Say, ameen. We want when those final moments are happening and we're gathered. The inevitable comes.

We want when the inevitable approaches us. We want to be with our families and we want to say, inshallah, I cannot wait to see everybody reunited in Jannah. We want everyone to spend time with each other in Jannah.

Spouses, families, kids, parents, grandparents, dada, dadi, nana, nani, everyone. We want them all to be there, inshallah. So number one, give kind words.

Number two, forgive and thank often. And number three, like Ibrahim (عليه السلام) said, (فَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَى) Value the opinion of your children. Let them speak.

Let them communicate and don't stifle and mute them. Let them be heard. Even if you know that the situation is not going to change for whatever reason, ask them how they feel.

Validate their concerns and give them your ear. Don't just give them your words. We ask Allah to make us successful.

Closing