How to Love Relationships in Islam

How to Love: Relationships in Islam

Br. AbdelRahman Murphy

Opening

How's everyone doing? Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Did you guys enjoy Abu Hussam's talk? Yeah. I did too. I just want to correct.

I am a fantastic husband. I don't even know why I'm here. That's why I'm the one giving the information and not getting it.

No, I'm joking. Alhamdulillah. I'm a much better wife, mashallah.

I'm a husband.

The Importance of Going to the Standard

So, Abu Hussam, mashallah, what I like about his talk, what I love about his talk, was that he starts us off by giving me a microphone. No, he starts us off by giving us the standard.

Right? Whenever you want to know anything, whenever you're curious about something or you need to study something, or you need to have information, you need to get some information from somewhere, the number one place that you should always get it from is the standard. So, for example, if you need information on, for example, where to buy things from, you're a consumer, you need to consume something, you need to buy something, you go to Consumer Reports, right? If you need to go purchase a car, you'll go to the car dealership, you'll ask the experts, you'll go to the mechanic, and you'll figure out is this a good car to buy or not. And so whenever we have a question about life, about our existence, questions that we need to answer in order to move forward with ourselves, the standard is the word of Allah.

Right? The standard is the word of Allah. When Allah says, that is what we listen to (سَمِعْنَا وَأَطَعْنَا - samina wa atana) right? We hear, we obey. Because that's what's going to get us through it, right? And just, I know, it sounds very dogmatic, right? You might say, well, how can you just listen, how can you just hear and obey, you don't have to question, yeah, Allah says, go ahead, question, ask.

But, when you ask questions about the car you're going to buy, do you go to the random chef at the restaurant and say, what do you think about, you know, this car versus this car? No, when you ask questions, you ask qualified people. You don't go to Google. Google's not a shaykh, last time I checked, right? You go to qualified individuals, like Shihab Nasser, alright, you know, in this community, we have many qualified individuals, like Imam Rafiq, Imam Rafiq, we have Hafid Noman, you ask people questions.

So at the same time that you're following this book, at the same time that Allah says to listen and obey, to hear and obey, He's also saying, go ahead and ask questions. But, ask though.

Those people who are often, or the people of remembrance, of reminder, those who know.

Make sure you ask those who know. And so when Khatib Usama shahada, he started out by saying that, he defined love for us. And in the first place, who put love in our hearts in the first place? Allah.

Who put love in our hearts for the first place? Allah did. And so when someone put something somewhere, usually they know what the function is, what the characteristics are, how we should look at it, how we should interpret it, because He put it there Himself. Right? So when Allah put that love in our hearts, in our beings, in our existences, then it's always good to go to Allah to ask, and to see what is the purpose, what are the characteristics, what are the traits, and what are the benefits.

The Complementary Role of the Sunnah

Along with following the book, the Quran, the kalam of Allah, there's also a second part, right? Something that is complimentary, that explains it. They explain each other. That is what? The sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم).

For example, let me ask you guys, does Allah in the Quran, does He say pray? Yes or no? Yes or no? Does Allah say pray? (وَأَقِيمُوا الصَّلاة - wa aqeemus salaah) right? Establish prayer. Let me ask you this, does He tell you how to pray? Are you sure? Who says yes? Who tells you how to pray in the Quran? Does Allah say, start off by saying allahu akbar, then wait for a while, if you're leading people in prayer, wait for a longer time, then go to your qiyam. Right? No.

How do we know how to pray? From our beloved Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). So you can't be a Muslim, you can't really understand Islam fully, unless you take both parts together. Right? It's like you can't have pizza unless you got bread and cheese.

It's not gonna work with only bread, that's just bread. And cheese, just cheese. Together, you have a wonderful creation of God.

Right? Wonderful. We need some sauce too, I'm sorry, I apologize. There's three parts to it, we're not the trinity though.

The Prophet's Life as Documentation

Okay, so, we have Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he teaches us through his example and through his lifestyle. Right? Can you imagine, can you imagine, this is so ajib, right, so interesting, that someone, his life was being written down, the way that he lived was being written down for millions and billions of people to look to that example and follow it. Ask yourself the question, right, how great is this man, that his life was being documented, right, in many different, by many different people, so that we could open up a book called Sahih al-Bukhari, we could open up Bidayah al-Nahaya, we could open up the Seerah of the Prophet, and we could say, I wanna be like this man.

Can you imagine if someone made a Seerah about Muhammad Murphy? He'd be like, today I gained three pounds, right, tried to go to the gym, worked it off, didn't quite work, almost mishasser, right, like, it just wouldn't work out, it just wouldn't be very good. So this man is so incredible, subhanAllah, Muhammad, that like, his life was being documented for all of us to take as an instruction manual. So when we look to the example of the Prophet, we don't just look to it as like, yeah, he was kind of this cool smart guy, right, one time I was at a public school and someone was like, who is Muhammad? Someone was like, yeah, he's this cool guy.

Like, that's pretty cool, right, and it's cool, it's cool that they said that, that he's cool, but also realize that he's not just like some very wise elder, this guy was, he was the man, peace be upon him, right, he was the manliest of men, and that's why, and he was also the most human of all humans, and that's why not only men can take him as an example, but women can as well.

Stories as Soldiers of God

So when we look at something like, yeah, when we look at something like love, when we look at something like love, don't sneeze again, please. When we look at something like love, okay, like love, we have to look at the example of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم).

We have to, if sisters can move up, I'm getting a message that, I think you just did that, right? Sorry, that sprint's kind of slow, okay. We look at the example of the love of ourselves and the love of this world, we look to the example of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم), and I'm only going to tell you tonight, inshallah, four stories, four stories, how many stories? Four. Imam Junaid Baghdadi (may Allah have mercy on him) said that, the stories, right, particularly in the Quran, but in general, we can take this principle that stories are jund min junudillah, they are soldiers, from the soldiers of God.

What is the function of a soldier? Well, the function of a soldier to an army is to help it, to assist it, to give it reinforcement, to motivate it, to provide backing. That's your Aisha? Yeah, Aisha. So, when Imam Junaid said that stories are like soldiers, when we read these stories, they're not just fairy tales, right? It's not just a movie script.

This story is more than that. This story is a lesson to take from. This story is something that we're supposed to inculcate into our lives to make ourselves better.

Story 1: The Story of Mughith and Bariyah

There's one story of two people, a couple. Aisha, can you be quiet? This story, it's okay, she's basically my niece, so we're cool. I'll give her curious stories later, she'll be fun.

There's a story of two people, two companions, they were both workers, they were both of the labor class in the time of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم), and they were married. Now, in the situation of being a worker or a laborer in the time of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم), if a man and a woman are married, and they are both laborers, and the woman or the man is given to go free, like you're no longer employed by me, you're no longer taken care of, you're no longer working for me, you can go. Then, the spouse, the woman, has the right to annul the marriage.

Right? So, for example, if she's let go, if Bariyah is let go, she has the right to annul the marriage, because her husband is still considered in the labor class, and so she has to, you know, re-evaluate her life and her situation. So this is what happened, she was given free, she was let go free, and she decided that she no longer wanted to be married to Malik. Right? For whatever reason.

She wanted a divorce, and she called it. So Mughith is devastated. Right? Mughith is devastated.

He goes to the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم), and the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) can see, right, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was a master counselor. He was the best of all therapists. When he saw people, he could just read them, and he knew what they needed.

Right? He knew the sickness, and he knew the cure. That's why people would go to him with the same question, (أَيُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ - ayul amali afdal) the best action? And he would say to you, what? Be kind to your parents. He would say to you, what? Pray on time.

Because he knew people's problems. And so, you see that Mughith went to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) saw on his face some sadness, and he said, Ya Rasulullah, my wife just divorced me. I want you please, can you go and ask her to take me back? I want you to please go and ask her to take me back.

Right? He's like heartbroken. And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says, okay, I'll go and try. So Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) goes to Bareera, and he speaks to her, he says, Bareera, I'm coming to you on behalf of your ex-husband who you divorced, and I wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to take him back.

You know, whatever it takes, he'll do it, just take him back. She goes, Ya Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم), she says, is this a command, or is this just a suggestion? Right? Is this something that you're telling me I have to do, or is this just something that you're saying, would you please do it? And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says, no, it's not a command, it's just a suggestion, just a favor that I'm asking from you. And she says, Ya Rasulullah, I'm sorry, I can't.

So he goes back, and he tells Mughith, it's not gonna work out, man. It's not, she's not gonna have it. And he's sitting there with, Ibn Abbas, with Ibn Abbas, and Mughith sees Bareera walking away.

Right? At this point, are they married or no? Are they married or no? They're divorced. Is he allowed to touch her? No. He runs up to the feet of Bareera, and he dives at her feet, and he grabs her ankles as he's crying, and he says, please don't leave me.

Don't leave me. It's a very sad story. This is reality though.

These are the people that taught us lessons to live by. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), at that point, right? A lot of times we see the Prophet as what? Right? Angry face. Don't touch her.

No. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) sees that Mughith is touching Bareera's skin. She's not, she's no longer allowed for him.

And he looks at Ibn Abbas and he says, isn't it so interesting that the amount that he loves her, she hates him. He didn't yell at Mughith and say, what are you doing? You can't touch her, man. This is Islam, Sharia law.

Right? National Tennessee, we're coming to get you. Right? No. He didn't say that.

We did not send you except that you were merciful on people. We said the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he understood love.

He knew what love was about. He knew that the human beings, we have hearts that we can't control sometimes. Right? We're going to talk about that though.

And so, before we get started in talking about how the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) lived as a person who loved, we have to understand that he understood love. He knew what love was about. When we want to ask for advice on love, who do you go to? Dr. Phil, Oprah.

Right? All these people. Because why? Oh, they get it. They understand love.

Right? The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) understood love more than any of these people did. So the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he got it. And we see this.

The Prophet's Understanding of Love

We see that he got it. Often times, you see that people will come and they'll complain to imams and stuff like that. I'm sure Sheikh Saab and Prophet Saab have gotten this a lot.

That they'll say, you know, I want my wife to be like Aisha. Right? When I read stories of the Prophet, man, he would say it and she'd just do it. Right? Kaleen, she's like, how much? Right? But then you often hear, I'm sure Sheikh Saab has kind of said this in a very nice way.

He looks big, he looks scary, but he's a soft guy. Right? If someone wants their wife to be like Aisha, then maybe we should start being more like Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Right? The reaction and the reciprocation that he got from her was only because of the akhlaq that he had.

Story 2: The Abyssinian Dance

The Prophet (ﷺ) was once in his masjid. And his masjid, by the way, it was kind of like this, where there's like a big room and there was like a wall in between. And he just lived his house with one side of that wall.

Imagine there's like a wall here and this was his house and this was the masjid. Right? So one day, there was a bunch of Abyssinian young men. They're dancing in the masjid.

They're doing like their Abyssinian dance. I don't really know how it goes. Don't ask me.

I'm not really quite Abyssinian. I'm more Egyptian, a little north. But they were doing this dance, this demonstration.

And they were not like young, young boys. They were younger men, older boys. Right? And hi, inshallah to Allah.

She says, she sees this. It's interesting. And at this time, she's not old.

Right? She's a younger lady. And she says, I want to go watch that. I want to go see what they're doing.

Right? Often times, you're driving on a road trip or you're going somewhere and the wife or the husband or whatever sees the bill. Oh, can we stop? Ripley, believe it or not. Right? 10 foot snail.

Oh my God. Right? Like, escargot. Right? And so you see that and you're just like, oh my gosh.

Why? We always have to stop everywhere. Everywhere we go, you want to stop. All these things.

So, the Prophet (ﷺ), she asks him and often times the response from a typical Muslim husband is like, if you want to, fine. Right? And then the wife's like, no, I don't want to. He's like, why? I said yes.

And then if you say it like that, and then fights happen. Right? No briyani tonight for dinner. Only daal inshallah.

Right? But the Prophet (ﷺ) said, sure. No problem. No problem.

Let's go watch. So, they went to watch. I need to demonstrate this.

This can't be, this can't be told. What's wrong with you? Come here. It's okay.

I'm only going because Muhammad (ﷺ) said. It's a good thing about having the same teacher. Yes.

The Demonstration of Love and Patience

So the Prophet (ﷺ), okay. Keep in mind, neither one of us are perfect, or neither one of us are like Aisha or Muhammad (ﷺ), but just for the sake of demonstration, we're going to pretend. So you'll be in the place of Aisha.

Okay. You're not Muhammad (ﷺ). And I'll be in the place of Aisha.

I'm really comfortable in my masculinity, in my manhood, so I'm cool with this. Okay. So, the Prophet Muhammad(ﷺ), he's standing in front, right, because obviously the young men are dancing, and he wants his wife to be a little more kind of like covered a little bit.

She can look, but he doesn't want her to be in plain sight. And what does she do? She's narrating. This is Aisha.

This is the wife of the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). Right? Right? She goes, I lean up and put my chin on his shoulder. And then the narrator says, what? My cheek was touching his cheek.

How romantic is that? What more do you want? Listen. Hold on. Wait.

No, no, no. Yeah. Right? So she said, my cheek was touching his cheek.

Check this out. What happens, husbands? What happens? No one answer over here. Husbands, when you're at a place for a long time, like an art museum or something, like your wife wanted to go, and you're like, I just wanted to go to like get some food.

Right? What happens? What question do you ask? Are you done yet? Can we go now? Right? So Muhammad (ﷺ), he asks, Are you done yet? Nope. Right? This is what happened. This is what happened.

Literally, Muhammad (ﷺ) goes, can we go now? No, he said, are you finished? She said, no, I'm not done yet. Then again, he asked later on. Good.

Are you done? And she said, no, not done yet. Then one more time. He says, are you done? And she says, now I'm done.

Right? And she left. Remember the whole time. And keep in mind, by the way, she was shorter than the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ).

So she can't fit her chin on his shoulder. It's not going to work. So she has to tip up on her tippy toes.

Now, when you're on your tippy toes, is it very easy to balance yourself? No. Do you have extremely strong legs like me? Yes.

But if you're like most normal human beings, then you probably have to do something like this.

Right? Yes. Hold on. Either in the arms or the shoulders.

This is the image of the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) and his wife. Later on, thank you, JazakAllah. I appreciate it.

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The Prophet as the Ultimate Example of Love

So if you ever want to get advice on how do I approach someone that I love, how do I engage with someone that I love, how do I converse, how do I treat someone, how does intimacy work with someone that you love, how do I have arguments with someone that I love, the number one person you want to ask is the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). Look to his guidance and his advice, and you will not be disappointed. Right? Look to Dr. Phil and Oprah, you might get some help, and you should, you should.

Just like Abu Hussam, he read these books, you can get the knowledge of traditional or contemporary scholars, but always, always look towards the divine guidance of the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ). As Allah says:

"Verily, for all of you, in the Prophet, in his existence, is a good, perfect example to follow. So ask Allah to accept everything that has been said and been heard, and inshallah, I think Sheikh Abdul Nasir is going to go a little bit deep into the idea about what love is and how to, how to, how to practically act upon it inshallah, but I hope after my, Abu Hussam's introduction and my talk, that we've all gained a little bit of perspective on the fact that where do we get love from, right? Does Justin Bieber give us tafsir on love? Right? The Jonas Brothers, Big Time Rush, all these dudes who wear skinny jeans, are they the ones who teach us about love? Right? They don't really know that much, right?

What, okay, first of all, sorry, this is just a rant.

What does Justin Bieber know about love? The kid's like 12 years old, right? Never say never, man. Never say never, you might convert. Never say never, you're right, right? Whoever got that, no one got that, okay.

All these people that try to tell you about love, they don't really know that much. All these young kids talking about like, oh, I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach. That's a serious medical condition.

If you have butterflies in your stomach, like, that's, you have to be checked out by a doctor immediately. Like, there's something that might happen. Seek medical attention, right? Love is not only the feeling of fireworks in the sky.

True Nature of Love

By the way, I got married on July 4th, so on every July 4th, I tell her, like, I planned it, alright? Like, worldwide, we're celebrating our marriage. So, love is not all about fireworks in the sky, and butterflies in your stomach, and glabja on your cheeks, no. Love is about giving peace and tranquility to one another.

That when you see the person, when you love someone, when you see them, everything just goes away. Stress just disappears, right? Nowadays, it might be different. Stress might appear, right? But the way that Allah designed it, was that when you love someone, and you're treating each other in a way that's loving, all the energy just cools off, and you're good to go, right?

Closing