Happiness in the Home

And all too often, that's why I asked the question in the beginning, all too often our relationship with our friends overtakes priority with the relationship with our family, right? And so we'll... we'll be happy to go out and get food with our friends three times a week, but to take our younger siblings out once a week is a chore, is difficult, right? Or to take our parents out for lunch, maybe take my mom out for lunch, is more difficult than it is to call my friends, right?

The Prophet never let... and I would like to ask anybody in this room if they think that they were busier than the Prophet Muhammad, right? So besides being a father, besides being a teacher, besides being a prophet of God, he also ran a business. He also had all these responsibilities to handle. I don't think anyone in this room can claim that they were busier than him. But he still made time for his family, right?

Compare yourself. Judge yourself against his example. When was the last time that you out of your own good, the goodness of your heart, your own good will, asked your parents to go out just you guys? Or your siblings? Or your whoever? Your cousin? Just whoever is in your home? Or your dada or dadi, right? Just someone to go out with and spend time with them. This is very important, right?

And how much more would you jump at the opportunity to hang out with your friends? Or if like a guest speaker or a sheikh comes to town? Or if like Matt Herzane came to town? You guys would like jump all over the concert tickets. But when it comes to hanging out with someone who is part of your family...

See, because friends will come and go. Like myself included. Like I'm just... I'm your brother, and after this people want to go get something to eat. I'm going to come and go. Your family is here to stay. Your family is here to stay. And those are the people who will be with you unconditionally. They will be with you, right? In most cases, unfortunately in some cases, you know, it breaks down. But generally speaking, they will be with you unconditionally. Your friends will sometimes get upset with you for things that your family would never even dare to get upset at you at, right?

So it's very important to maintain those relationships. The Prophet Muhammad did this perfectly.

Principle 3: Never Disturbing the Peace

Number three: this is amazing. The Prophet never disturbed the peace. Okay? Are you that person in the home that you're kind of like roughing things up a little bit?

I know I definitely was. Listen, I was the worst. I got expelled from Islamic school. Like who gets expelled from Islamic school? They don't expel anybody, right? They can't afford to. But they were like you gotta go, right?

The funny thing was I got expelled and then when I graduated I started teaching there, right? So they were like ah, the student becomes the master, right? So it was cool. That my students would always try to pull stuff and I was like dude, I did that like eight years ago, right? You gotta use the other window - it's always unlocked, right? So just kind of like stuff like that.

But you know, I was... I remember and I acknowledge that I was somebody who would be kind of like the peace breaker a little bit, right? I wasn't a peacemaker, I was a peace breaker. And what I mean by that is

whenever there would come a situation at home... like for example, you know, there's a funny story about my mom is that my dad brought home leftovers from a lunch meeting, and then after a couple hours they were gone mysteriously. And I was known, I was notorious for eating people's lunches, as you can tell by my size.

So my mom got really upset at me, right? Because she was like this is the last time. So she came to me and she was like get up to your room, you're grounded. Stay in there for like twelve years, don't come out, right? Just stay there. And I was like ironically enough, that was like the only time I didn't eat the food. And so I was like I didn't do anything wrong.

And my mom, she comes up to me like two hours later and she's crying. She feels so... so bad. And she says I'm so sorry. Your dad told me that when I was taking a nap that he came down and ate the rest of the food, right? But because I was such a constant peacebreaker, she like was so fully in her right to blame me.

By the way, a little side note from that story: when my mom came and apologized to me - this is for any parents in the room or future parents or older siblings, elder siblings - when my mom came and apologized to me, that was the most... probably powerful moment that she and I had together to start our really really our strong relationship. Before that we had kind of a rocky relationship. We were like, you know, fighting a lot, arguing a lot. But when my mom came and apologized because she showed me at that moment that she was human, right? And so if you're in a position of authority, it's extremely important to show the people who are, you know, subordinate to you that you are human. It will establish just a strong bond between you.

So my mom used to do that. So I was known as a peacebreaker, right?

The Habits of Peace

So the habits of peace... the habits of... the habits of integrity, of trustworthiness, of keeping your promise, of keeping your word with people, they start now, right? So if you pledge mashallah to donate to this... to human relief, are you going to keep that pledge? What does that say about your integrity?

So the Prophet, he says: be good for people. Make things easy, don't make things difficult. You can even ask yourself amongst your group of friends or in your home: are you the person who brings ease to people's heart?

The Prophet Muhammad one day he came home and he asked Aisha (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا): like what is there to eat? Is there any food to eat? And she said: Ya Rasulallah, there is nothing to eat.

I know like in a current Muslim household if the wife was like I didn't cook, the husband is like what else do you do, right? Which is... which is horrible. It's terrible. And honestly like, you know, to speak on that, the... the socio... the sort of social reality of forcing a woman to stay in the kitchen, as much as you might think it's right, I don't believe it's right at all. I think that, you know... and especially, especially when she feels like that's the domain of her house.

Now granted, brothers are like well, we suck at it. We suck at cooking. So that's one thing. But to kind of like relegate the woman to the kitchen I feel is just a terrible thing to do. And I think that Aisha رضي الله عنها ... I mean she taught over a thousand people at Hajj. She was known as the sheikha of the sahaba. They would come to her and ask her questions.

So personally I feel like we need to sort of rebrand how we think of women in our society. And I think especially, unfortunately, especially in England we do have this issue where women feel like they're just being kind of raised to become cooks and make biryani and babies and that's basically it. And so as men, as men it's important for us to sort of not re-regurgitate that stereotype and force them into that.

So the Prophet Muhammad came home and he was like where's the food? Is there any food to eat? And she said there's nothing to eat. At that moment he could have done one of two things. He could have done what most Muslim men would do and start complaining and say: I go... I work all day, I bring home the money, all I want is food here on the table. There's no roti, there's no lentils, there's nothing.

Or he could have done what he did. Aisha رضي الله عنها... and what did he do? He said to her: okay, I'll fast. Like look at how he turned that moment from a potentially negative moment into a positive moment. So she goes yeah, there's no food. Yeah, Rasulullah. And he says no problem, I'll fast today, right?

It's like... it's almost maghrib anyways. You guys ever had those days where you sleep in so much you're like I could fast, right? And you're like I could fast and it'd be all good. I've got two hours left, right? Missed dhuhr but I'll fast, right? So the Prophet Muhammad made that happen.

The Prophet Muhammad ... and think about this: he represents religion to his family. He represents spirituality not only to all the Muslims worldwide but especially to his family.

Learning From The Prophet's Parenting Style

And one thing we have now which is an unfortunate reality is that the imam's children or the shaykh's children sometimes tend to be some of the worst off kids spiritually. Because the shaykh and the imams are sometimes so busy trying to help the community that they neglect their own family.

This is what I really appreciate about my teacher Shaykh Abdul Nasser is that he's always spending time with his kids. He will cancel class with me, like hadith class, to go to Chuck E. Cheese with his daughter. You guys know what Chuck E. Cheese is? It's like this little kid amusement park where they have that ball pit and like pizza and they have like a giant rat in a suit... like running... it's like a... it's a mouse, I'm sorry, not a rat. Big difference. But it's just... it's like a kid's theme park.

So we're reading hadith... like what's more important than studying Islam, right? For all the like the tullab al-ilm... like what's more important than studying Islam? You know what's more important than studying Islam? Making sure your kids don't become non-Muslim. That's what's more important than studying Islam.

So if I can spend an hour with Shaykh Abdul Nasser reading hadith, or he can rather cancel or reschedule and say, you know what? I'm going to take my daughters to the park, then I as a student fully understand that. And this is the same mentality the Prophet had.

The Prophet During Khutbah

The Prophet Muhammad during the middle of a khutbah... listen, you know the khutbah is not just a speech. It's not a bayan. It's part of the prayer. The two rakat of dhuhr are removed, right? Everyone's like Friday, Sunday... two rakat dhuhr banging, right? They're removed and they're made the jama'a khutbah.

So one time... I forget, it was either Al-Hassan or Hussain, it was one of his grandchildren. He was crawling amongst the sufoof, the lines. And the Prophet is in the middle of delivering a message. He's in the middle of giving a khutbah. Like his khutbah were recorded. All the sahaba used to record his khutbah. We have books about what his khutbah were like. Lessons. This is from the messenger of God, the last one, the seal of all the prophets.

What does he do? In the middle of this epic moment of worship, of delivering this teaching, he gets off the mimbar. He goes to his grandchild. He picks him up. He takes him on his shoulder, kind of holds him close. He walks back to the mimbar and he says: this young man is going to be a leader. And he holds him and delivers the rest of the khutbah.

Now I want you to think: for someone who represents Islam as the prophet did, for someone who represents Islam, what do you think that did cognitively and emotionally to that young boy at that time? Was he told go away, I'm giving khutbah? Go away, I'm busy? Or was he said hey, I want you to be a part of this experience?

The Prophet in Prayer

Another example: everyone knows but really think about it. The prophet praying... like praying in jama'a with the companions. He's in sajdah. When we see someone in sajdah, when you see someone mashallah praying and you see them in sajdah, we know that what the hadith says that that's the time when the people are closest to their lord is when their face is on the ground, right? Sajdah is like that moment where your dua'a is answered. You're supposed to ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) for things or thank him and praise him. So it's the moment where you're closest to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ)

So sajdah is like this beautiful moment. If you go to flickr or like google images and you type in like Muslim in prayer, then usually the image that will pop up is what? Someone in sajdah. Like a silhouette. It's like a beautiful... beautiful image.

But a young child sees a horse, right? So we see like this beautiful image of a man connect or a woman connecting to their... their maker, their lord. A young child's like it's game time, right?

So... so Al Hasan and Hussain, they start... they see the Prophet and they climb on his back. And his sajdah is taking so long that the sahabi who is narrating, who is saying this, he says: we are praying behind the

Prophet and his sajdah was so long... like he didn't get up from sajdah that we thought he got sick or something happened.

So the sahabi says: I look up and all I do is I see the two kids on his back like woo... like riding on his back. And the sahabi said once I saw that the Prophet wasn't ill or feeling poorly, then I put my head back down in sajdah.

So then what happened was, you know, he eventually got up and did the prayer, but it was much... it was noticeably longer than his normal... his normal sajdah.

Side point: how long were the Prophet's prayers? In one rakah we learned that one time he led with Surah Al-Baqarah, Surah Al-Imran, Surah Al-Nisa and half Al-Ma'idah, right? So you can already imagine how long his sujood were. They were probably pretty long because he's making dua, he's praising Allah. Imagine his sajdah being longer than that.

He gets up, he ends the prayer, and he apologizes to the companions, right? Which is again is a very interesting move. You rarely see imams apologize sometimes for long prayers. Like I'm sorry, it was kind of long. But he apologized and he said: I didn't want to disturb their playtime. I didn't want my pray time to disturb my kids' playtime.

Subhanallah, look at that. Like what if a kid jumped on half Al-Ma'idah back during dhuhr today? Or like the shaykh's back? I'll be real with you, like I don't even know how I would react. If I haven't told this story so many times I may have like just like done a WWF move on the kid, like flipped him over, right? But now because we keep repeating the story over and over again and we keep talking about happiness in the home and how to establish a positive religious experience, that's what this is all about y'all.

The Crisis of Family Relationships

Sorry. And now we have this epidemic where people don't even want to see their parents anymore. You know, and I'm not going to blame it all on the parents. There are parts of it where parents can do a better job for sure, but realize something: they're also trying their best. They're trying their best. Especially parents who come here as first generation immigrants. They subhanallah... think about this: they don't even know what they're getting into. They're coming here literally just to provide for you that you could live and get an education and make something of yourself. They have no clue.

It's like if I asked you guys to move to Japan tomorrow, right? And you're like oh, I don't know the culture, I don't know the language, I really don't know how do they even live, where would I... most of the... most of our parents who are immigrants, they had no clue how to do anything when they came. And they had to figure it out as they were raising you. As they were cleaning your poopy diapers, right? Or your nappies, sorry, right? They had to... they had to figure out how to live and how to make money as they were also taking care... so like a lot of times that's why Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى commands us.

He says what to children? He says have mercy... lower the wing of mercy to your parents. Lower the wing of mercy to your parents. Be merciful with them because your parents are human beings and they will

inevitably make some mistakes. It's fine. Don't hold it over their head for the rest of their lives.

But Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى also holds the parents accountable. When he teaches us a du'a he says:

"[My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.]"

Very interesting Arabic point here. You guys ready? Okay. Whenever Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى uses the same word for two different things in the Quran, those things have a relationship, right? So for example, the word rahmah means what? Mercy. You know Allah uses the word rahmah to describe rain. He said that we send rahmah down from the sky. Rain down from the sky. So why is that? Because rain is huh? A mercy, right? Makes sense. So rain is a mercy. So when that one word is used for those two things, those two entities have a relationship.

In this du'a, Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى says رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا - my lord, have mercy on those two, talking about your parents كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي - just like they did when they raised me or when they mentored me or when they were my... when I was small.

Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى uses the same word twice. Which word is it? رَبِّ right? رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا - that's the only word in that du'a that's used twice. And one's talking about Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالیٰ one is directed to the parents, right?

You know what some of us said about this du'a? They said the way parents raise their kids, especially when they're young, is the way that the kids will see Allah later on in life. That if the parent is understanding and has mercy and is firm when it's time to be firm but is merciful when it's time to be merciful, then the kid will have the same view of Allah. But if the parent is always pushing, always, you know, socially, emotionally strangling, always suffocating the child, then that child will grow up to see Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى that way.

How many of y'all have heard of people who they're like Allah is always angry? Anybody? Allah is always so upset. He's always so angry. He's always... he's gonna punish us. How many of y'all went to Islamic institutions as children where they told you they constantly threatened you with hellfire? Anybody? Yeah? Everyone's just like yes? What? Wait, there's Jannah? Tell me about this Jannah place, right? I just thought if we were good we didn't go to hell, right? I didn't know we got to go somewhere good, right?

And look at that. What is that gonna do, right? What is that gonna do? Especially when it comes from the home. What is that going to do with that child's relationship with Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى? It's not gonna be able to grow. It's not gonna be able to grow. And so we have to very importantly, we have to make sure that we really look at the example of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.

The Story of Fatima

To conclude the talk... you know, Fatima, we're gonna open up to Q&A inshallah. Fatima رضي الله عنها was the only child of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ that lived beyond his life ﷺ. Fatima had a very amazing relationship with the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.

When she was a younger girl, right? When she was like a younger girl, when she was getting a little bit older... when she was younger, she would come to the house of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and visit him. Not just at any time, but when he was in important meetings with the companions.

So they'd be sitting and talking about, for example, an expedition, or they'd be sitting and talking or planning about something, and Fatima would run in and be like Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

I want you guys to flashback when you were that age. Your dad's watching cricket, okay? And you run in and you're like Dad! Dad! Dad! What's the response you get? Get out! Get out! I'm watching! I'm busy! I'm busy!

Nowadays dad's on the internet, right? Watching YouTube, watching Nirmal Khan videos, right? So he's like get out! I'm busy! I'm watching! Get out! I'm doing work! I'm doing work!

What did the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ do? The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ didn't say get out to his daughter. He said pause to the companions. He said give me one second. He turned to his daughter Fatima, okay? He got on his knees, okay? And then he made sure that his knees were up against her knees, that they were touching, because physical touch is one of the languages of love.

And he said: how's it going? How's your day? And she's like it's good. And he's like what's up? What's new? And they actually had like a full on conversation about her day. During that time, imagine what the companions were thinking. They're like seriously? Like you're going to interrupt? But they were learning. See, he was teaching them as well when with your children you had this moment.

And what happens later? One of the best students of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, Omar ibn Khattab رضي الله عنه ... so he had that moment with Fatima, and then when she was done talking he said okay, I have to finish this meeting. I'll talk to you later. And she's like okay. And she left, right?

You know it could have only been three minutes. It could have been very quick. But just showing her that she was a priority. Look at how beautiful that moment was.

The Story of Abdullah ibn Omar

Then now one of the best students of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, Omar... look what he does. Subhanallah. They're sitting at a gathering and Abdullah ibn Omar رضي الله عنه is with the companions and with the Prophet. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ... the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ he said that the example of a believer is like a certain tree. And then he said which tree is it? And everyone was guessing. Everyone was like wrong.

And Abdullah ibn Omar is narrating the hadith and he says: I knew what it was. It was the nakhla. It was the date palm tree, right? And he's like a young boy at this time. He's like younger than anyone in this room. Maybe like... maybe like the boy right there, right? So he's like a young boy.

And he goes... he's narrating, he goes: I knew what the answer was, right? So then Abdullah ibn Omar said but I'm too shy to speak in front of everybody. I was too shy. So then finally one of the companions

later on said oh, it's the nakhla. And everyone's like oh yeah. And Abdullah ibn Omar is like yeah, right? I knew what it was the whole time.

And the Prophet ﷺ explained that it's because the date palm tree, every part of it is used. Every part of it is beneficial to anyone who uses it. So the believer is beneficial to anybody that comes in contact with the person, right?

But listen to this part: so Abdullah ibn Omar is going home, okay? And he's walking with his dad. And I want you to just imagine Omar ibn Khattab with his son and just picture this sort of scene, okay? Omar ibn Khattab is walking home with his son and Abdullah goes: Dad, dad, I knew what it was, right?

And if we had a kid or if we had a younger sibling and they were saying that, we'd be like yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, of course. Yeah, sure you did, right? But Omar took him seriously. Omar took him seriously... is this okay?

Is it like... sorry. Omar took him very seriously. Omar said... he said, you did? He said, yeah, I knew it was the nakhla, right? And Omar said to him what? He didn't say good job being quiet, boy, right? He said: wallahi, if you would have said it, nothing would have made me prouder. Nothing would have made me prouder than if you would have just said it in the gathering of all the companions.

I want you to imagine now, okay? Abdullah ibn Omar, what kind of confidence do you think he has now with his religion? After that moment, what kind of confidence does he have in his heart that I'm a good Muslim, right? Because I knew the right answer and because my dad supported me in saying that answer, as opposed to being like no, don't do it, okay, you were good, just be quiet, you're a little kid, you don't know what you're talking about. What do you think that he felt later on?

And you know Abdullah ibn Omar, if you look at all the sahaba, the haritha sahaba, the books on the lives of the companions, all the scholars of our tradition, they say that Abdullah ibn Omar was the one who used to follow the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ the most. To the point where he used to even go to the bathroom where the Prophet ﷺ went to the bathroom.

Why do you think he had that love for the Prophet ﷺ? Because his dad encouraged it in him. His dad encouraged it in him.

The Story of Anas

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ... he didn't have any sons that lived on, right? All of his sons passed away. But he had a servant, a young boy who lived with him, right? Anas. And Anas one day, the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ gave him a mission to go do something, right? Not that kind of mission, MI5 or whoever is listening, right? Right? He gave him like a grocery mission, okay?

So he gave him a mission. He gave him some money. He said go to the market or go run this errand for me, okay? So Anas is telling the story and he says: you know, I was on my way and I was just going... you know, going to the market. He's like and I bumped into some of my friends. They were playing. They were playing a game.

And what's going to happen with a young boy when he sees his friends playing a game? He's going to drop everything and be like what are you guys playing, right? Can I play? So that's what happened. So Anas is like I started playing with them and like time passed. Like the sun was moving. Like time was passing. It was going from... and I just kept playing because time flies and you're enjoying yourself, right?

He said: and then all of a sudden I instantly I felt this hand on my shoulder, right? And it wasn't like a boy's hand. It was a man's hand. And he's like at that moment I remembered exactly what I had to do.

You guys know exactly that feeling I'm talking about? Like when you walk in the door and your mom's like hello? And you're like oh, I forgot the onions, right? So like... he's like at that moment I remembered exactly what I had to do.

And so what would you expect if this was your dad, your uncle, your grandfather, that you turn around and they're like I've been waiting. And this is normal. I'm not trying to put anyone to the spot. I would do the same thing. We would all do the same thing. I've been waiting. Come on. What are you doing? I gave you the money. I could have done it myself if I knew you were going to take this long. Well all that... that kind of rhetoric, right?

But remember, the Prophet ﷺ is remembering something. He's saying: my relationship with this young boy is going to also impact his relationship with Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى right?

So before he tells him I've been waiting, what does he show him? A big smile. And I said: I turned around, all I saw was the Prophet ﷺ smiling at me. And then the Prophet ﷺ didn't even yell at him. What did he say? He said: did you have something to do? And he goes yeah, I did. And the Prophet said: what did you have to do again? And he goes I had to go get you this. And he goes okay, can you go do it? He said yeah, I'll go do it.

Yeah, maybe the errand was failed. Let's say for example it was time sensitive. Let's say it was a really important thing, right? And Anas forgot it. And maybe it ruined something, some path. But you know what wasn't ruined? You know it wasn't spoiled? You know it wasn't forgotten? Was Anas' iman. That's what the Prophet ﷺ focused on, right?

You know in relationships when it comes to Islam, you have to learn when to pick and choose your battles. I think that's a very important concept that we sometimes forget is that the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ wouldn't always become the haram police on people, right?

There's a story of Mughith ibn Barira where a man who divorces his wife or gets divorced from his wife, he actually physically touches her because he's so in love with her, wants to marry her again, wants her to take him back. She's not interested. That he grabs her ankles. Now she's no longer mahram to him, right? She's no longer mahram. So he's grabbing her ankles.

The Prophet ﷺ is sitting with Abdullah ibn Mas'ud and he sees this. He sees a man touching the ankles of a woman, right? All of a sudden, cut to a scene of like a sword chopping off hands or something like that, right? No. He looks at Abdullah ibn Mas'ud and he says: isn't it so strange how much Mughith loves

Barira and how much Barira does not love Mughith? He's like isn't it strange how the human heart is that one person can love someone so much and the other person can not like that person just as much?

He didn't say anything to the man because he knew that in that moment of softness, had he dropped the hammer on him... that this man, Prophet Muhammad represents Islam to them, and he would have... he could have potentially spoiled it, right? And the time to correct him would have been later in private.

Subhanallah, look at this character. And this is why we say Allahumma salli wa sallim ala sayyidina Muhammad. Because whenever you compare yourself against him, you're always going to find holes in yourself that you can fill, right? You're never going to look at yourself and look at him and say oh, I'm good, right? I'm good, right? I got this on lock. You're always going to find some sort of like crack there. Oh, I can fill that with good care. I can fill that with this or fill that with that.

That's why we do things like this. That's why we talk about be like Muhammad. Because I guarantee you, if you live your life asking yourself the question am I like Muhammad ﷺ? Then on the Day of Judgment inshallah as you're entering Jannah, ameen, you'll say I was so happy that I tried to be like Muhammad ﷺ, right?

Closing Du'a

We ask Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى to accept our deeds. We ask Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى to accept our gathering here together. We ask Allah to make us people who try our best to be like Muhammad ﷺ and try our best to inculcate easiness, patience, understanding, conversation, communication in our homes. Forgiveness. So that we can maintain a house of belief, of iman, and not always try to push things through and force things through, but have a house like the Prophet ﷺ did.

We ask Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى to give us that blessing, ameen.

Glory be to You, O Allah, and all praise. I bear witness that there is no god but You. I seek forgiveness from You and turn to You in repentance.

And peace be upon you, and the mercy of Allah and its blessings.