Building Confident Generation Following Prophetic Guidance

Building Confident Generation Following Prophetic Guidance

Speaker: AbdelRahman Murphy

Opening

"[Peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you]"

"[In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful]"

"[All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, and blessings and peace be upon the Messenger of Allah]"

Understanding the Generational Shift

The topic that I've been given to talk about is something that is not easy to discuss. It's something that is actually, as we get further and further into the building of the Islamic communities in the Western world, we come to understand that there are certain unique challenges that are specific to the era in which we live in. When you look at the challenges of previous generations, my parents' generation who came to this country, my mother was an Egyptian immigrant, my father was a convert to Islam, but my mother's generation who came to this country, or Sheikh Abdel Nasser Jangda's parents' generation who came to this country, it's very interesting to see the needs of that generation versus the needs of the younger generation today.

When you look at some of the needs of the previous generations, you have things like they were coming here for the sake of getting educated, they were coming to this part of the world because education, the institutions, universities, colleges were a little bit better suited for them to acquire their degrees that they were seeking. As a result of coming to this country for the purpose of education, for the purpose of work and employment, they came to a place, and if you walk outside and you'll see the display that ICNA has set up where they have the first masjid in Canada, or one of the first masajid in Canada, this was actually a very legitimate concern when it came to the previous generation and their mission in life. Where are we going to pray? Where are we going to gather to come together to pray?

You know for us, for the younger generation in Toronto or in the Western world today, our concern is not where to pray but it's where to eat. Which halal restaurant are we going to go to? Which Nando's are we going to go to? And this is such an incredible difference in priority, it's such an incredible difference in need, that Shaykh Abdul Nasser would tell us stories about, he remembers being a kid in Dallas, Texas, and everyone hears about Dallas, Texas these days, that mashallah Shaykh Omar is there, and Shaykh Yasser Birjas is there, and Shaykh Abdul Nasser is there, and there's so much going on. Everyone hears about this big booming community in Dallas, when Shaykh Abdul Nasser, when he tells me about his childhood that they used to wait on Friday morning, they used to wait by the phone, and not these phones, okay, they used to wait by a phone with a cord. I know you young people don't know what a cord is, right? So a cord is something that connects two things, right? So they used to wait by the phone for what on Friday mornings, what's the day of Friday? What do we do on Fridays? Yeah, Jummah, right?

They used to wait by the phone for a phone call from one of the brothers or the uncles in the community saying, we have a place to pray Jummah today.

Show up to this room, in this community center, in this corner, we've rented it for 15, 20, 30 minutes, please come on this time, quickly we'll pray and then we'll leave. This was the state of their masjid, this was the state of their Jummah prayer. It's remarkable.

And then they graduated, he tells me these stories, and I remember even my own development, my first masjid growing up was, used to be an old car garage, used to be an old auto body workshop. I remember the doors for the masjid were those big garage doors, right? And so sheikh would tell me that then they started renting out small spaces, 500 square feet, 1,000 square feet, in these little retail centers. So in between a subway and a gas station was masjid, right? And this is where they used to pray.

And then there was the Sunday school. How many students? One, you. Who was the teacher? Your mom, right? And that was the Sunday school.

And then your cousins showed up, right? And then someone else moved to Dallas. This was how communities grew. And this was from the 80s into the 90s, you saw this very slow trickle of community building.

And so the concerns of conviction, the concerns that we have today, it's not that they didn't exist back then, but you know, Abraham Maslow, he has a hierarchy of needs, right? What are our needs? And at the very bottom, we have things like oxygen, food, right? These are things that we need in order to survive. And then once we can breathe and once we can eat, then we're concerned about things like safety, right? Then we're concerned about things like temperature, warmth, cold, friends. Then we develop these higher level concerns, like social concerns, right? So the community was so concerned on being able to breathe and eat, have a place to pray, have a place to learn one day a week, that some of these deeper concerns that we see today, like seeking of Islamic knowledge, like having Islamic social spaces, like having Islamic art spaces where people who are artists and Muslims can share and grow together.

It's not that they didn't exist, but they just weren't highlighted because why? We were still looking for bread. We were still looking for water, right? So now we see, if you fast forward 15-20 years, the concerns that we have are radically different. And this is a message that I think especially our beloved elders need to hear, is that we deeply, as young people, appreciate the work that you have done to establish for us a place to be Muslim.

I don't know. I do not know. If I were the one who was sent to North America in 1970 as a 20-year-old college student, I don't know if the first thing on my mind would be, I have to get a place to pray.

The fact that our elders did that, it deserves our appreciation. We should make dua for them every day. But at the same time that we appreciate that, we need to understand and appreciate that there are new concerns that are actually really heavily weighing upon our community.

The Crisis of Faith

You know, one of the things that we don't talk about in our community today, one of the concerns that's very much in the forefront, is the level of crisis of doubt, of faith that we have within our community. That people who are born Muslim, who are raised Muslim, who have gone through the entire Muslim curriculum of Sunday school, of weekend courses, of Jummah prayers, of Ramadan after Ramadan, have maybe even done the umrah or hajj with their family, that when they turn 18 or 24 or 26, once the familial obligation of religion has been lifted from them, now it becomes an independent choice. It's not a matter of being someone's son or daughter or brother or sister. Now it's my decision, then we shed that religion and we leave it behind us. Because we develop this resentful relationship towards it. And a lot of people in the audience right now are nodding their heads because this is something that is becoming more and more apparent, and it's something that if you think about your own life and your own relationships, many of us, if not all of us, know or are related to or have a friend or maybe ourselves have been through or are going through the issue of reconciling whether or not we actually believe in this thing called Islam.

And I know that to some of us, that's shocking to hear that statement, do we believe in Islam? But we have to first understand that that is a legitimate question that our community is facing. And so as with any question that is so full of emotion and so full of crisis, you can imagine that when a 20-year-old son goes to his father or a 20-year-old daughter goes to her father or they go to their mother, and that father or mother, their only concern in their life that they can remember was trying to have that place for Jummah on Friday. You can understand the shock when they hear their children or the young people in their community say, I don't know if I want to be Muslim anymore.

You can understand, it's hard to fathom that gap because why? The elder generation says what? We worked so hard. We worked so hard. Like you just had halal Thai food in Canada, right? As a result of the hard work that we've done to build masjids and institutions and make Muslims mainstream and halal meat providers, you know, I was driving one of these roads, I gave khutbah yesterday at the ISNA Masjid and we were driving and it seemed like there were more halal meat stores than gas stations.

It was amazing. I was like, is this Jannah, right? I was like, am I in paradise? Have I died, you know? The elder generation works so hard to build what we call Muslim infrastructure, places to pray, places to eat, places to benefit from being Muslim and have Muslim amenities.

But now we're coming to the conversation of what we call heart work, which is we have the infrastructure around us, but what about the structures inside of us? And these are sometimes the questions that we really struggle to answer because we've been so fixated on trying to provide buildings and structures and rooms and make sure that our masjids look beautiful and that they're big enough to have a big Eid prayer and that we can have a nice full Jummah.

But sometimes we can't even answer the most basic questions to our young people like, why should I believe in God? Why does God matter? This man, Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) why is it so important to know him? These are the questions that, you know, besides all of the big halls and nice food and

everything, these are the questions that are really going to resonate, that are going to carry this generation forward.

Personal Reflections on Parenting

And so there are three things that we learn on how to have these conversations about building conviction. And by the way, I myself am a father. My wife and I have a son named Musa. He's 20 months old, right? He's one and a half years old. He's already a teenager.

He talks back. You know, we'll put on Baby Shark on TV and he goes, not this, not this, right? And I kid you not, especially for people who are in the audience who are like 16 to 30, maybe you don't have kids. I want you to understand something, that this fear of raising children and having them love Allah and his messenger is a very legitimate fear.

That sometimes we think that our parents are being a little bit dramatic. Why are you so worried about me praying? Why are you so worried about this? Why are you so worried? Don't worry, I'm Muslim. But whenever your kids are like as old as Musa, you start to have these really serious thoughts about what if my son, who I've named after a prophet of Allah, the most mentioned prophet in the Quran, what if he doesn't, what if he grows up not loving Allah? Who's responsible for that? And I have sleepless nights where I toss and turn. My wife and I have entire conversations where we just ask Allah to protect him and we ask Allah to make us good parents so that he grows up loving Allah. It's a big concern that parents have.

So there are three things that Shaykh and I have talked about over the course of weeks and months of having these discussions. What can we do as communities, as families, to nurture this appreciation? Because what is conviction? Conviction is a fancy word for a person having certainty in something. And when does a person have certainty in something? When they know that they need it. So what can we do as communities to instill this absolute and deep appreciation of Allah and his messenger within ourselves and within our families?

First Principle: Developing Communication Skills

The first thing is actually very beautiful and that is that we have to work on our communication. We absolutely have to work on the skill. It's not a given. It's not a right. It is a skill that must be developed like a jump shot. Sorry, you're in Canada. You guys don't know what basketball is. I'm joking. I'm joking. Kawhi Leonard. I understand. It's like a slap shot in hockey. Okay. Right. It's like a jump shot. It's a skill that must be developed.

You know, how many of us, raise your hand. Raise your hand. If you were ever, if someone ever tried to explain something to you and they said, you asked them why and they said, just because, because I said so. Anybody? Okay. You teenagers are not being honest. I know your parents have said this to you, right? Okay. Number one. They said just because. Raise your hand.

If someone has ever tried to explain something to you and you understood what they were saying and you actually thought they were right, but the way they were doing it, you could not accept it. Anybody? This happens in arguments all the time. I'll be arguing with somebody, right? And what they're saying, I get it.

The point they're trying to make, I understand it. But the way they're saying it is so bad, is so hurtful, is so destructive that the way they're saying it makes me never want to agree with them. That is called communication.

Communication is not about the point that you're making, but it's about how you're making that point. So, for example, is it really that crazy to believe that there is one God? No. Absolutely not.

Is it really that far-fetched and outlandish to believe that there's one God? No. But the problem when we talk about nurturing conviction within ourselves and families is not the content, it's not the substance of the message, but it's how we deliver it. And this is why yesterday, how many of you were at Jummah yesterday at ISNA? How many of you were at Jummah yesterday, period? Okay, mashallah. I was kind of concerned by that first question, right? Okay? But I realize there's more masajid in Toronto, okay? That's why the khutbah that I gave yesterday, there was a very interesting point that I want all of us never to forget.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) many, many, many, many people disagreed with him in what he was saying. Yes or no? Abu Jahl. Did he agree with the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم)? Abu Lahab. Did he agree with the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم)? No. There were many people in Quraysh who said, I do not agree with what you are saying.

But do we have one narration where Abu Lahab or Abu Jahl or any of the people who disagreed with what he was saying, do we have one record of them saying, you know, he's right, but I just can't stand talking to that guy, wa la'idha billah. Do we have one narration where they say, I don't like the way he's talking to me? No, we don't have a single narration where the people who made the Prophet their enemy, were they ever criticized his communication skills, ever. What does that show us? There are many people who don't believe in the truth because of how it was delivered to them.

And there are many people who believe in falsehood because it was how it was delivered to them. I mean, if you look at, subhanAllah, if you look at, when I talk to young Muslims, especially those who become Christian, they convert to Christianity. There are some Muslims who converted to Christianity that I know whose parents were Christians who converted to Islam.

So I want you to think about this. The dad accepted Islam from Christianity and the child became Christian after being born Muslim. And when I talk to the child, you know, we have conversations about theology.

Because a lot of times we're like, let's talk about the Bible. So we start having conversations and we both come to the conclusion, this newly converted Christian, former Muslim, we both come to the conclusion of what? We say what? Well, do you agree that there are some big questions about, you know, scriptural

accuracy and historical accuracy that simply cannot be answered by the Christian tradition? And they say, yes, but the people there are so nice. And you know what? That's the end of the conversation.

It shows us sometimes that we put so much emphasis on the haqq, being right, what is correct, and we put very little emphasis on what?

And you are, as the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was described by Allah, you are on top of good character. You own it. You are the one who is good character. It belongs to you. So when we talk about this conversation of conviction in our families, the first question we have to ask is, am I somebody who my family even wants to talk to? You know, sometimes young people come to me and they say, I started learning my deen, I started learning my religion, and I want to talk to my parents more because there are some things that are very, very wrong that they're doing, right? There are some things that are all culture, not Islam. You know, I want to get married, and my parents want me to have this big wedding, and they want me to ride an elephant into the hall, and they want to take these dollar bills, these rupees, and wring it around my face, right? And I just want all Islam, no culture, man.

There's no culture in Islam, which is, by the way, not a true statement. But anyways, you know that people get really, like, worked up. And they say, and I say, okay, have you ever tried to have a conversation with them about how you want your wedding to be, or who you want to marry, or where you want to go to school? You name the topic, right? What you want to major in.

My parents want me to be a doctor. Okay, what do you want to be? I'm not a doctor, right? And no one's laughing because all the parents are like, oh no, I don't like where this is going. Inshallah, I'll be a doctor if Allah wants me to be doctors, inshallah, right? Some parents are like, I mean.

And I ask the young people, I say, so how did you approach your parents? They say, well, my dad came home, and when he came home, he looked really tired, but I said, no, you know what? We have to talk right now. I said, I know you want me to be a doctor, but I don't want to be a doctor. I want to be a wrestler, right? Like, or something, right? And he goes, my dad got really upset.

I said, well, why do you think that's the case? He said, I don't know. I said, do you think maybe you could have picked a better time? Do you think maybe you approached him in a very aggressive way? Do you think maybe you could have come to him softer? Do you think maybe there was some wisdom in waiting a little bit? Yeah, but it doesn't matter. We have to have these conversations, tough conversations right now.

The truth is the truth. It doesn't matter. No, that's not the case at all. That's not the case at all. So you've been in an argument. What's the most frustrating thing in an argument? What is the most frustrating thing in an argument? It's when they win, right? No, I'm joking, right? What is it? Yes.

Okay. It's when they criticize your idea. That's pretty frustrating, right? But you're still actually way ahead of most people. At least they're hearing your idea. What's even more frustrating than having somebody

criticize your idea? They don't want you to talk. They're not even listening to you.

You know when the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم used to recite Quran, what did the Quraysh used to do sometimes? They used to plug their ears. The most frustrating thing in any conversation is when you feel like the people you're talking to are not what? You're not even listening to me. You don't even care about what I have to say.

You're not even hearing my concerns. You're not even giving me a chance. That's the most frustrating thing.

The Story of Ibrahim and Ismail

You know what's beautiful about the Quran, subhanAllah, is that it tells us stories and in these stories there are so many lessons. There's a story of Ibrahim عليه السلام. Ibrahim Abul Anbiya, the father of the Prophets. Ibrahim عليه السلامhe had a son Ismail and this son, this very dear son, you know, he deeply, deeply wanted a child, wanted a son.

Allah جل جلاله granted him and his son him and his wife Hajar عليها السلام He granted them a son and, you know, he had to spend a long time away from them. He dropped them off in the valley of Mecca, right, where there was no water, no vegetation. He left them there.

Then he came back. Then they did things together like father-son activities, like spent time together. They built the Kaaba together. Could you imagine that kind of Saturday you wake up? You're like, hey dad, what are we going to do? We're building the Kaaba today, right? Imagine like that kind of father-son bonding, right? Like, I remember the bonding of playing sports with my dad growing up. Could you imagine? And my bond with my dad is very close because of those memories we have together. Could you imagine the bond of you and your dad building the Kaaba together or building a masjid together? How beautiful that bond would be.

So the Prophet Ibrahim loved his son Ismail very much. Very much. And Allah جل جلاله even described Ismail as a beautiful son, like a good kid, right? The kind of son that every dad wants to have.

And then Ibrahim one night has a dream. And we know that the dreams of Prophets are wahi, the revelation from Allah جل جلاله It's one of the ways in which Allah جل جلاله communicates with Prophets. Sometimes he sends angels, sometimes he communicates with them through their dreams.

And he says, Oh my son, I saw in my dream that I have to slaughter you. I want you to understand the difficulty of him saying that statement. Why? There's a couple of reasons.

Number one, he loves his son. There's no parent ever wants to ever do any harm to their children. I know that a lot of children here are like, Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure, right? No parent has ever wanted to do a single ounce of harm to their children ever, ever.

But Ibrahim is being commanded by Allah. The second thing is that wahi is non-negotiable. Meaning, this isn't a matter in which Ibrahim can negotiate with Allah.

Oh Allah, I know you want me to slaughter him but can I just slaughter this sheep instead? Can I just slaughter this animal instead? Can I just substitute my... I love my son, can I substitute him with somebody else? This is wahi from Allah. It's revelation from Allah. And he's a prophet.

He's been given this mission, this job to obey the revelation from Allah and to teach people this message from Allah. So he goes to his son and he says to his son, I see in my dream that I have to slaughter you. And then he says something profound.

And this is the first lesson. Everyone ready for the first lesson? How to build conviction? How to build community conviction, family conviction? How to build communication? You have to value the voice of the person you're talking to. You have to shut your mouth sometimes and open your ears.

And you have to listen and actually care about what they're saying. He says فَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَى in a situation where it is irrelevant what Ismail's opinion is. Allah has given a command.

The command must be followed. That is the truth. That is the haq. He is a prophet who has been given a command. There is no discussion. Okay? In that moment, Ibrahim asks his son فَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَى Tell me how you feel.

Tell me how you feel. I want to know how you feel. He says to his son in a moment where how his son feels is not going to change a single thing.

Tell me how you feel. Fathers, mothers, this is a big lesson. A lot of us, we walk around and say that we're doing things for our kids because we have to.

But we don't do the second thing which is listening to our kids because we should. And it doesn't matter if how our kids feel or the opinion they have about what's going on is going to impact the trajectory of our decision. It doesn't matter.

What matters is that our kids know that when they talk, their voices are heard. What matters is when people communicate, they feel like we listen to them. This is a prophetic trait.

It's a prophetic characteristic. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was one of the best listeners that when people would come to him and talk, he would not shut them down. He would not interrupt them.

Okay? He would listen to what they were saying and let them know that your voice is important. Your opinion, even if it's not completely accurate, I value the fact that you feel a certain way. And what does Ismail do?

Ismail says, O my father, do what you've been commanded. You will find me, God willing, from amongst those who have patience. If you value the voice of your children or your family or your spouse, you will

find that when you value their voice, their voice will impress you. It will surprise you.

It will give you that tranquility. Ismail doesn't say, O my dad, this is crazy. I have to leave. O dad, this is why. I knew that something was wrong. He said, Dad, do what you've been commanded.

He trusted his son and his son delivered on his trust. This is a very important lesson in communication.

Second Principle: Admitting When You Don't Know

The second lesson that we'll give because I only have five minutes left. I know that I talk too long. I apologize. I should have cut the Nando story down a little bit but wallahi, when the heart loves something, you can't stop talking about it, right? So, the second point that I want us to understand as parents especially with younger generation or anybody really, scholars, imams, du'as, whoever.

It is okay to admit when you don't know something. It is okay to admit that I don't know. If my son comes to me and says, why do we have to do this in Islam and I don't know the answer, it is okay for me to say, you know what? I've never thought about that.

I've never had that question. That's a really good question. You know, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم one time was asked a question.

Allah tells us in the Quran, They ask you about the soul. So, people were asking the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم okay, you're telling us that there's this thing called the soul. We know that we have bodies.

We know that we have limbs and organs. We know that. But you're telling us there's this hidden invisible thing inside of us called the soul and that soul is what? النَّفْسُ الْعَمَّارَةُ بِالسُّوءِ النَّفْسُ التَّوَّامَةُ النَّفْسُ الْمُطْمَئِنَّةُ Your Quran is telling us that it has these different states and these different things but what is it? Tell us more.

Allah tells the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم as a response Say that this ruh that you're asking about it is from the affairs, the matter, the knowledge of my Lord. And we have not been given a lot of knowledge about it except for a very tiny bit. We have not been given a lot of information about this soul.

This is the Prophet of God telling people who are challenging and asking him what about the soul? This is him saying I'm the Prophet and I don't know. If the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is supposed to in some scenarios in some moments in some instances if he is supposed to say I don't know then what about us? And this is also a lesson by the way to the people who say well, if Islam was truly the truth it would have every single answer to every question that I've ever asked. No.

Where was that condition ever set out? In fact, the Quran tells us the exact opposite. When the Quran says that the Prophet of God himself will have moments where he will not know the answer and only Allah will know the Quran is teaching us that not every question that the human being asks can be

answered. Why? Because we are limited and God is unlimited and limited things can never encompass unlimited things.

Ever. So as a parent when your kid comes and says to you why do I have to do this? Why do I have to do that? Instead of going to the safe answer of because I said so sometimes it's better to say well, if you know the answer give the answer. Well, Allah tells us in the Quran this and it's better for us to do this.

Why do we have to pray five times a day? Because our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم tells us and it's better to follow our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and we want to be just like him and we love Allah and we want to thank Allah for everything he's given us and the way we thank Allah is by praying to him. If that's an answer good answer but if it's a question you don't know the answer to don't feel afraid to say what? I don't know. But then what do you do? What's the third step? So the first step is value the voice. Number two is admit when you don't know and number three is you model how to learn because knowledge is how conviction grows.

Allah says ask those who know if you don't know. Ask those who know if you are unaware.

You can teach your children that if I don't know the answer to something I need to connect more to Allah's book. I need to learn more about the life of my messenger. I need to learn more about my deen, my faith so that I can find the answers to my problems.

That the answers to my problems are not always gonna be searched on Google. They're not always gonna be on different websites or things that I'm looking for. Sometimes the answers to the real problems I have in life are gonna be found in Allah's book and the example of his messenger.

Third Principle: Being Approachable

The last thing I'll say is this. The common characteristic that the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم had with young people that made him so effective عليه الصلاة والسلام was no one ever felt like they could not approach him. No one.

Not one person felt like the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was either too busy, too upset, too angry, too important. No one ever felt like the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was unapproachable. This is one thing that I think if I were to say that we need to fix one characteristic in the Muslim home.

What's one problem in the Muslim home that we need to fix is we need our homes to be places of love and approachability. Parents, my advice to you now. I'm from your group now.

I'm a parent myself. This means that when my son is talking to me I put my phone down. It doesn't matter if I'm doing work, something that's paying the bills and my son wants to tell me how amazing it is that he drew a circle which is what he did on Thursday.

Baba, Baba, Baba. Yes, Musa. I drew a circle.

I said, Good job, Musa. Right? There was actually an article that was posted recently from a university in Montana or Minnesota that did a study. They started a longitudinal study.

It takes years to get actual good data. But they started this study to test and see whether or not children believe that their parents love their phones more than their children. Obviously, if you were to answer the question you would say, No.

Right? But this is something that (لِمَا تَقُولُونَ مَا لَا تَفْعَلُونَ - lima taquluna ma la taf'alun) This is one of those things where sometimes we say things but we don't realize that our actions are saying differently. So, be approachable. Be warm.

Be loving. Let your kids know. The source of all of this conviction is to know that my kids will never ever seek an answer to a question that is important without coming to me because they trust me and they know that I'm there for them.

Closing Dua

We ask Allah to give us happiness in our homes. We ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) to give us conviction in our iman. We ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) to give us things that are beyond our capacity.

We ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) to give us the strength to be able to conquer anything that He has given us as a trial. We ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) to bless us in all of our matters and family endeavors. Ameen.

(بَارَكَ اللهُ فِيكُمْ - barakallahu fikum) to ICNA Canada for hosting us. (جَزَاكُمُ اللهُ خَيْرًا - jazakumullahu khairan)

(وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ - wassalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh)