Sexuality An Islamic Perspective

Scholarly Tradition

To the extent that several of the great ulama of Islam have written what we would today coyly describe as pillow books. This was one of the areas of Islamic civilization that was particularly widely experimented with and produced some very interesting literary products. Imam Suyuti, for instance, (رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ - radi Allahu anhu) wrote no fewer than nine books on how to keep your wife happy.

Imam Ibn Jama'a, another great Shafi'i scholar who's buried in Mualla in Mecca, wrote a book called (نُزْهَةٌ الْأَلْبَابِ فِيمَا لَا يُوجَدُ فِي كِتَابٍ - nuzhatul albab fima la yujadu fi kitab)

And the great Ottoman Shaykh al-Islam Kamal Pasha Zadeh, who was Shaykh al-Islam in the early days of the reign of Sultan Suleiman Qanuni, also wrote a book on this particular this particular (عِلْم نَافِع - ilm nafi') this useful science. And that was never regarded as problematic or beneath the dignity of the ulama.

Al-Ghazali's Approach

This is part of the fullness of the Muslim's life. Now, when we deal with the text of Imam al-Ghazali, we have to bear this in mind, but we have to bear in mind that Imam al-Ghazali is aware that this is a dialectical issue inasmuch as, as with the question of hunger, it's the golden mean that has to be looked for.

He talks actually less about this than about the question of hunger and how you deal with eating, illustrating, no doubt, the fact that this was less deeply problematized in Islamic civilization than the problem of actually eating.

So he has three sections on it as opposed to five on hunger. But it's worth noting that he does deal with it also elsewhere in the Ihya. He has a book called Kitab al-Adab al-Nikah, the book of the proprieties of marriage, where implicitly he talks about this desire.

Five Benefits of Marriage

He talks also about five benefits of marriage. So he says, just listing these five benefits, which I think we should know, firstly, obtaining children who will serve their parents and pray for them. Number two, gaining a lawful outlet for sexual desire, thereby thwarting the devil.

Three, relaxation of the heart through intimacy with someone of the opposite sex. Four, relief from domestic chores. Remember, he's writing mainly for men, although the Sunnah is quite clear that the Rasul, peace be upon him, he used to serve his family, he would sew, he would sweep, he would cut meat.

This is in the sound Hadith. Number five, an opportunity to struggle against the nafs when making an honorable living for one's family and tolerating the difficulties of married life. So he integrates it into his general picture of everything in religion being an opportunity for renunciation.

Sexual Desire: Beneficial Reasons

And again, because he's an upbeat, optimistic Muslim and gives us the good news, he begins by saying, know that man, humanity, has been made subject to sexual desire for two beneficial reasons. It's basically a good thing. It's part of Allah's desire that human beings should be happy.

The first of these is that by knowing its delight, he's able to draw an analogy which suggests to him what the delight of the afterlife must be like. So it's the exact opposite of the Christian image whereby, by being celibate, by renouncing this, you get some kind of foretaste of the celibate, angelic life of the blessed and the life to come. In Islam, it's the opposite, because this is a foretaste of the non- problematised, sexualised life of the blessed in the garden.

So it has almost a sacramental function. Its taste is a taste of Jannah, necessarily, the Qur'an makes this specific. The Qur'anic images are not metaphors of something that's utterly beyond our comprehension.

There's a real resemblance between the pleasures that it describes and the pleasures that we know. So he says, for the delight of the sexual act, were it to last, would be the greatest pleasure of the body, just as the pain of a burn is the body's greatest agony. Encouragement and deterrence, tarheeb wa tarheeb, which drive people towards their saving happiness, can only be brought about by means of palpable pain and pleasure, since what cannot be perceived through experience will never be greatly desired.

In other words, if paradise had been something completely out of this world, with no resemblance to the things of this world, nobody would really want it. I mean, how can you want what's completely outside your own experience of what's pleasurable? The second reason is that it allows the human race to continue and the world to abide. Such are its benefits, obviously, major benefits.

The Dangers of Sexual Desire

So he gives us the good news first. Then he says, however, sexual desire also contains evils which may destroy both religion and the world if it is not controlled and subjugated and restored to a state of equilibrium. This is the wasat.

It has been said that the Qur'anic verse:

"Our Lord do not burden us with more than we can bear"

refers, when correctly interpreted, to powerful lust, powerful sexual desire, and that's as good an interpretation as any. We all need to make this prayer, particularly when we live in a world that really doesn't understand the necessity of any self-control in this. This is a du'a we should be making in a contrite spirit repeatedly.

The Story of Musa and Shaitan

And then he gives some other indications, the dangers, of this genie, basically a good genie when it's unleashed and abused. One of these stories is an interesting one. It's said that Musa (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ - alayhis-salam) was once sitting in company when the shaitan came up to him wearing a cloak.

When he drew near to him, he took this off and set it aside. Then he said, peace be upon you, Musa. Musa asked him who he was and he replied, I am shaitan, (قَاتَلَكَ اللهُ - qatalak Allah) God slay you, Moses said, what brings you here? And he answered, I've come to greet you in view of your great rank in the sight of Allah.

What was it that I saw you wearing, he asked, and he replied, a cloak with which I snatch away the hearts of the descendants of Adam, the sitr, the hijab. What is it then, Moses asked, that a man does which enables you to prevail over him? And he replied, he becomes pleased with himself and considers that he has many good deeds to his credit and forgets his sins. Now I would warn you against three things.

Never be alone with a woman who is not lawful for you, for never does a man do so without having me, not my companions, as his companion, so that I tempt them both with one another. Never make a vow to Allah without fulfilling it and never prepare something to give as charity and then fail to give it, for never does a man do so without having me, not my companions as his companion, so that I prevent him from giving it at a later time.

The Principle of Khalwah

So here he indicates, and it comes first in this list of three things, that this principle of khalwah is of momentous importance. We might translate it as illicit seclusion. Man and a woman alone together, and never alone together, the shaitan is the third, invariably inevitably, unless there is a mahram, a marriage relationship between the two, the shaitan himself is saying, yep, I'm there. However confident they may feel of their own superiority and virtue, lack of sin, he is nonetheless there, he's going to tempt them with each other.

And were this principle only to be understood, there would be a lot more happily married people in the world today, because zina, which Allah describes as (فَاحِشَة - fahisha) an obscenity and an evil way, begins with just innocent moments. It never begins as zina, it always starts somewhere and then a kind of process of nuclear escalation sets in until that's it. And khalwah, the idea of illicit seclusion is really regarded as laughable in today's world.

Modern Examples of Khalwah Problems

It's what everybody's after. They all want a solitude, adeur, it's what the world craves. And to suggest that it's inappropriate is very strange, but they are starting to realise in a number of American high schools now, the high school regulations specify that if a student comes to see a teacher in his room, you have to

leave the door open, because of the endless harassment suits and other catastrophes that have taken place again and again.

In the army and the navy, they are now beginning to wake up to Muslims' self-evident point that if you put servicemen and servicewomen together in close proximity, particularly in a combat situation, calamities will ensue. Ridiculous instructions issued to the marines during the Gulf War, whereby they were told about how they should change their battle dress under a blanket, it's kind of nonsense.

And the ship that they sent out, the auxiliary vessel during the Gulf War, that had to be sent back again, when a fifth of the female crew members reported pregnancies, never mind the other things that took place, this was where they got it wrong and they got pregnant, had to be sent back, they called it the love boat.

Germaine Greer talks about it in her new book, which is a good book. And this is inevitable. Khalwa leads to this.

The Saying of Sa'eed ibn al-Musayyib

So will we learn? Sa'eed ibn al-Musayyib once said, Satan never despaired of destroying any previous prophet by means of women. Now what he means here is not women as women, because women were made beloved to the prophets, but women in terms of a public sexual presence.

Excess, Defect and Equilibrium

And then the Imam says, the desire for women, this obviously works reciprocally, which is the greatest of all desires, he would deny that, is susceptible to excess, defect and equilibrium.

Excess obtains when the intellect is overcome, so that a man's concern is so distracted towards the enjoyment of women and slave girls that he is unable to tread the path of the Akhira, or it may overcome a man's religion so that he is drawn into obscene activities. This may become so extreme in some cases that two foul habits are required.

Firstly, he may partake of something which makes him desire to have intercourse more often, just as some people take certain drugs which strengthen the stomach and allow them to eat more of the things which they desire.

So, aphrodisiacs, rather like these new dieting drugs, if you like, the same kind of mentality, maximize the pleasure, minimize the pain. And he says, this resembles nothing so much as a man tormented by savage beasts and snakes which sleep from time to time, but which he finds methods of awakening and arousing, and then has to make his peace with.

So, the desires for food and intercourse are in reality pains which a man would rather be free of so as to gain another form of delight.

Sex Addiction

It's a rather austere image, one valid perspective. This doesn't mean that aphrodisiacs and the like are forbidden. Clearly, there are certain people with medical conditions who can legitimately make use of these and traditional Islamic medicine. Even a thidbanabawi is filled with remedies of this kind. But going to excess in this, as with anything, is reprehensible.

As he goes on to state here, the second thing is that in the case of some misguided people, this desire may end in what he calls aishq or amorous passion, which means a kind of obsession or an addiction.

This constitutes utter ignorance of the intended purpose of sexual congress and a descent to a level lower than that of the animals. This is what we would call nowadays sex addiction, and there's a huge industry in this country and in Britain and elsewhere of people who are in recovery, getting away from this particular addiction. There are sex addicts, anonymous clinics and organizations, and it's apparently a major problem.

And it's exactly what the Imam is talking about. And he says, how do you avoid this addiction? And he says, well, stop it before it begins. Don't let the escalation take place.

He says, it's the disease of an empty and unconcerned heart. If you're busy with serious things, then you won't fall prey to this. One should be on one's guard against its preliminaries by abstaining from repeated glances and thoughts.

Otherwise, it will take firm hold of one and be difficult to shake off. In this, it's no different from the passion which certain people harbor for wealth, status, land and children, or even for playing with birds, lutes, backgammon or chess, all of which may possess them to such a degree that their religious and worldly lives are adulterated and they are unable ever to abstain from them.

Modern Technology and Addiction

In this age of computer games and chat groups, it's particularly evident there are apparently people who have died of starvation, because they can't tear themselves away from their computer screen.

This happens. And as the technology becomes yet more sophisticated and other senses are wired into the system, this will become more and more common. People live in worlds of virtual reality, the great majority of which is aberrant obscenity, which is a blasphemy against Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, taking something beautiful, turning it into something obscene.

So he says, don't begin down that path if you don't like its consequences. To break the power of this amorous passion, this extravagance, in its early stages is like pulling at the reins of a riding beast when it heads for a gate it would like to enter. To rein it back is a very easy thing, whereas to treat such a passion after it has taken hold of one is like letting the beast go in and then catching it by its tail and pulling it from behind.

Much more difficult task. One should therefore take precautions of the onset of these things, for later they can only be treated with an effort so intense as almost to lead to death.

The Golden Mean

So he then says, excess in the matter of sexual desire then causes the intellect to be overcome to this degree, which is very much to be condemned.

Insufficient sexual desire, however, leads to an indifference to the opposite sex, or to giving them insufficient pleasure, which is also to be condemned. It's not frequently noted, but Islam explicitly discovered the female orgasm in Zal, which is mentioned in the Hadith, the Hadith narrated in Musnad al- Firdaus by Imam Dalami. It's a weak Hadith, but nonetheless it indicates that some early Muslims were aware of this principle and regarded it as a legitimate one.

And the Tahseen of the spouse, which clearly logically entails this, is something which is an obligation of the husband. Sexual desire is a praiseworthy thing when it stands in a state of equilibrium, obedient to the intellect and the Sharia in all its movements. So it's a praiseworthy thing when it's in a state of balance.

Treatment with Fasting and Marriage

Whenever it becomes excessive, it should be broken with hunger and with marriage. And he gives the Hadith, Rasulullah (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari 5066)

"O young men, you should marry and whoever cannot should fast, for fasting is a form of castration."

It's the true meaning of this word.

When to Marry and When Not

So that's his initial statement. And he makes some very large, absolute statements here. He says this is a good. It is a good that is linked to one of the goods of the Akhirah and hence should never be despised or belittled or mocked by the Mu'min. It is a good which was lived by the Rasul (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) and by the pure ones of this Ummah. It is a good which leads to the greater numbers of this Ummah in the world which will be a source of the pride of Rasulullah (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) on Yawm al-Qiyamah.

Marry each other, he says, and become numerous, multiply, for I shall be proud of your numbers on the Yawm al-Qiyamah. So it's a good thing on both of these counts. Ukhrawi and Dunyawi, if you like.

But when abused, like any good thing, it can take us down to the level of the Asfal as-Safileen, the pathetic spectacle of the solitary internet surfer or of those who actualize their foul distortions and put into practice their fantasies.

The next section, the Imam then talks, and this is symmetrical with his approach to the question of hunger, about when one should marry and when one should not. It's page 171, and he says, know that at the outset the murid, the aspirant, should not occupy his heart and his soul with marriage, for this would distract him very seriously from treading the path and would cause him to find solace in his wife, solace in the sense of a worldly type of intimacy that is all too common amongst the spiritually undeveloped, as opposed to a true intimacy and love which we find in the seerah.

And all who find solace, this real Dunyawi uns, in other than God, must necessarily be distracted from him. The ghafla, the forgetfulness that is common amongst newlyweds.

Sayings from the Early Muslims

And then he gives these sayings from some of the Salaf, like Abu Sulayman al-Darani. Here we have his saying, whoever marries is inclined towards the world. Then he said, I've never known an aspirant to marry and retain his former state. And he likewise said, everything which distracts you from Allah, whether it be family, property or children, is an ill omen for you.

So these are athar from the early Muslims who recommended this state of uzooba. Some of the ulama amongst them, Imam Abu Talib al-Makki have said that towards the end of time, akhir al-zaman, halat fihi al-uzooba, probably we're not there yet, but at that time, celibacy, bachelorhood, perpetual virginity will be legitimate. Why? Because so appalling will be the pressures on young people that one will be inevitably confronted with the spectacle of seeing all of one's children slide into profanity.

And also because of the difficulty of finding a halal livelihood to support a family in that time. May Allah protect us. So he says, it's a condition that the aspirant remains celibate at the outset.

Until such time as his knowledge of Allah becomes well established. And that's the traditional view. Not just amongst the ulama of Sufism, but amongst the ulama of the zahir, the traditional ulama, generally for young teenage would-be ulama have recommended that they don't marry because it means they have to earn money, they have to establish a house, they get children, and it's a a distraction.

A Humorous Example

Imam al-Sukhawi almost facetiously adduces the following poem. They said to me, get married. There is no life without a wife. I observe Allah and read the verse of Yasin. When I got married, life was good for me and halal. And I became, after the existence of goodness, a poor man.

The children came, and the uncle came to follow them. Then I noticed, there is no life and no religion. This is the time that the Prophet said to us:

"Don't carry too much on your riding beast, because those who travel light will be saved."

I'll give you a very rough translation. He says, they said to me, marry, because there is no dunya, no pleasure in life without a woman. Fear Allah, recite Surah Yasin. When I married, life was sweet and delightful for me.

And then I found, having had wealth, that I was miskeen, was poor. Children came, and worries came following them. Then I turned around, and had no dunya, and no deen either.

This is the age in which the Rasul said to us خِفُّوا فَقَدْ فَازَ الْمُخِفُونَ Don't carry too much on your riding beast, because those who travel light will be saved. Maybe alluding to this principle, that a time of fitna will come when marriage will not be as commendable as it is now.

Conditions for Marriage

So the ulama of the Zahir have generally not liked to see young students get married because it is a preoccupation. That's obvious. But the Imam says, this however is the case only if he is not overcome by desire. If he is so overcome, he should break it with constant hunger and fasting.

Should his desire still not be subjugated, and he find himself unable to restrain his eyes, for instance, even if he is able to preserve his chastity, then for him marriage is the better state, for it will quieten his desire. Otherwise, to the extent that he cannot restrain his eyes, he will be unable to restrain his thoughts, and his concentration will be destroyed. He may even be tried with something beyond his capacity.

The Fornication of the Eye

The Zin al-'Ayn, the fornication of the eye, is one of the major venial faults, and soon leads on to a mortal and obscene sin, which is the fornication of the flesh. The man who is unable to turn away his eyes, will not be able to safeguard himself against unchastity. However complacent we may be, he knows the treason of the eyes, and what the hearts hide.

The Wisdom of Hijab

One reason why we have the Hijab, is a mercy for the Ummah. And the world says the Hijab is a symbol of the denigration of women in Islam. I cannot begin to understand where they get that from.

In fact, the logic of it is a denigration of men, because men don't wear Hijab. It is assumed that women are better able to restrain their glance than men, which is possibly, probably true. Read the Kinsey Report.

Men are more rapidly aroused than women. The Hijab, if you like, is evidence of Islam's superior esteem for women and their self-discipline in this regard. I don't want to give a disquisition here on Hijab, because the shelves of Islamic bookshops are heavy laden with books and tapes on this subject.

Save to make the point that in Islam, we veil our holy places. Tell the Kafir who says that the Hijab is degrading, that we veil our most holy shrine, which is the Ka'bah. The Qiswa is not there because we don't like it, it's because we like it almost too much.

It is the Haram, the sanctuary. The Holy of Holies in the temple of Sayyidina Sulaiman (عليه السلام) was veiled. Not because they underestimated it, but because of their extraordinary reverence for it.

In traditional Catholic churches you will find that the tabernacle is veiled. You always wonder what exactly the priest is getting up to there when the curtain is drawn and he's doing something with the communion chalice, because that's a holy event and as with the temple, it's veiled. So the Hijab, properly understood, is a veneration of the holiness of women real or potential.

No way can it be regarded as an underestimation.

Prophetic Guidance on Looking

And then some more athar, Sayyidina Isa (عليه السلام) said, Beware of glances, the nazrah, for they sow desire in the heart, which is temptation enough. So, Sayyidina Dawud told his son (عليه السلام عليه السلام) Oh my son, walk behind a lion or a black cobra, but never walk behind a woman.

Every man knows exactly why. Sayyidina Yahya, (عليه السلام) was once asked, How does zina begin? And he replied, With looking and with wishing. Al-Fudayl, this is Fudayl bin Ayyad, one of the great early Sufis, said, Shaytan says, It is my ancient bow and my arrow with which I do not miss.

Referring to looking. And Rasulullah, (عليه السلام) says This is a hadith narrated by Imam Ahmad:

"The gaze is a poisoned arrow from Shaytan. Whoever abstains from it in fear of Allah shall receive from him an increase in iman. The sweetness of which he will feel in his heart." Reference: Musnad Ahmad 21891

So to look, other than looking accidentally, is a sin. To look away increases one's iman. The mu'min of a sound heart knows this from experience.

He also said, (عليه السلام)

"I leave behind me no temptation more damaging to men than that of women." Reference: Sahih al- Bukhari 5096

A fitna. And again the ulama hasten to explain that this cannot be an equation of women with fitna. Because he married women. It is instead a condemnation of the weakness of males.

He's talking here about the public sexual aura or presence of women. It is not talking about women as women. That's narrated in Bukhari.

And he said, (عليه السلام)

"Beware of the fitna of this world and the fitna of women. For truly the first fitna of the Bani Israel was through women."

Often Muslim chauvinists like to use these hadith to indicate their view of the derogation of women but that's not the correct meaning. It's not the essence of women that is being condemned here. It's rather the male weakness. The word woman here is being used metonymically.

Quranic Commandments on Lowering the Gaze

And this is even a commandment in the Qur'an:

"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and protect their chastity."

And to indicate that this is a duty equally incumbent on both sexes the verse goes on to say:

"And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and to preserve their chastity."

That's pure for them. Surely Allah is aware of what they do.

Hadith on Interaction with the Blind

And then a hadith this is in Abu Dawud Umm Salama narrates Ibn Umm Maktum al-A'mah once asked leave of Rasulullah to enter while I was sitting with Maymuna. And the Prophet asked us to go behind a screen and we asked is he not blind and unable to see us and he replied do you not see him. Reference: Sunan Abu Dawud 4112

This shows that it is not lawful for women to sit with blind men as has become the custom today at banquets and funeral assemblies.

It's only lawful for women to speak to men and to look at them for purposes of general necessity. It's halal for them clearly to have pursuits in the world to go shopping inevitably to interact with men who are not their maharim. This is inescapable sometimes it's necessary for them to do that to defend their honour and dignity.

There's nothing wrong with that if it's a general necessity li umumil haja as Imam al-Ghazali says but one does not overstep the line and turn it into some excuse for social relaxation.

Warning Against Attraction to Boys

And then the Imam gets even more hard hitting and says now it may also be the case that a man is able to keep his eyes from women but not from adolescent boys and for him too it is better that he marry. The case of boys is even more damaging since if a man's heart inclines to a woman he may at least render her lawful to him by marrying her.

To look with desire at the face of a boy is forbidden. In fact everyone whose heart is affected by the form of beautiful boys to the extent that he senses that they are different from bearded adults is forbidden to look at them. However much a murid may need to marry he should not forsake the stipulations of aspirancy, shurut al-irada the conditions of the path either when he is first married or later on.

Rights and Responsibilities in Marriage

When he is newly wed he should respect them by having a correct intention. While during the course of his married life he should do so by means of goodness and character and behaviour and respecting the rights which Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has granted to women and which since we've detailed them in the book of marriage we will not reiterate here. He actually lists twelve rights, rights of a woman over her husband, toleration of faults, provision of financial maintenance, equal treatment of co-wives and other such topics.

So again see here how Imam al-Ghazali is integrating the married life into his complete project which is single minded in its focus on akhira. Marriage too is part of the path way to the akhira. It's not just something that we do to amuse ourselves along the way or even to keep out of trouble morally.

No, it's a context for the cultivation of the virtues. Tolerating the faults of the spouse, patience, seeking a halal livelihood, the necessary virtues entailed by the procreation of children, learning the akham of sharia with regard to the rights and responsibilities of each sex.

Advice on Choosing a Spouse

It is a sign of sincerity in spiritual aspirancy that one marry a woman who is poor but religious rather than seeking after a wealthy one.

Someone once said that the man who marries a rich woman will find five things in her. An expensive dower, delayed wedding, lack of service, constant expense and an inability to divorce her should he wish to do so because of his fear of losing her money.

And this is a problem in the Muslim ummah now that this question of the mahr spiraling completely out of control. The Guardian newspaper in London recently did some research. They found out that the average Asian marriage in Britain costs £85,000. £85,000.

People routinely take out a second mortgage on their homes to finance it. Two or three excursions to Karachi to choose and to buy the wedding dress, an expensive hotel, extravagant food, the right kind of musicians, little gifts for the departing guests and nobody really enjoys the event. It's kind of over formal and a kind of potlatch ceremony.

You know the Indians of the west coast of the United States used to display their wealth and prestige by throwing everything they possessed onto a great big fire. Well, Muslim wedding practices are often pretty comparable. Pure ostentation as if one is serving the honor and the dignity of one's beloved daughter by this kind of extravagant waste.

This is a problem and has to be overcome and sometimes it's quite extreme. If I can be allowed a personal confession here, I once was smitten by a young lady in Saudi Arabia and after inquiries discovered that the going price was 100 million rials. I don't know what that would be, 25,000 25 million pounds at the time and this is completely haram, one of the signs of the Qiyamah.

So many young people are not getting married because of this meaningless and stupid abuse of the wealth and resources of the Ummah. So the Imam is well aware of this. The case of a poor woman however is quite the opposite.

Someone else remarked, a wife should be beneath her husband in four things or else she will despise him. And here anybody who is interested in political correctness should close their ears. A wife should be beneath her husband in four things or else she will despise him.

Age, height, wealth and lineage. She should be better than him in four others beauty, manners, character and scrupulousness in matters of religion. If you think about this, this is not an anti-female sentiment at all.

Good Character in Marriage

The mark of sincere aspirancy in married life is good character. Husnul khuluq. Statement that we need to think about. Good character. Not the idea that we can somehow lower our standards when we arrive home and the world isn't looking and we can slump on the sofa and demand food and drink and shout at the wife and shout at the children because we are the master of the house and we can do what we like.

The world does those things to us outside but at home we can do what we like and the question of akhlaq is not really relevant. She is only my wife for heaven's sake. Imam al-Ghazali says the mark of sincere aspirancy, spiritual wayfaring in married life is good character. And here he gives some interesting examples.

Stories of Exemplary Husbands

A certain murid once married a woman whom he served so constantly that she was embarrassed and complained to her father. I'm quite bewildered she said by this man. I've been in his house for years and not once have I gone to the privy without his arriving there before me with the water.

Now this is a hypobolic kind of tale and it's not assumed that this would actually have happened but Imam Ghazali is merely giving it as an example rhetorically in order to emphasize that this is a virtue. It's not a demeaning of the husband's status to serve and to help his wife. He is presenting it here very emphatically as a virtue.

Another aspirant married a woman of great beauty who shortly before the wedding was afflicted with a smallpox. This is another not quite real story but one which has a moral to it. Her family were beside themselves with grief and feared that he would no longer find her beautiful.

Instead however he pretended to them that he himself had been afflicted with ophthalmia and then that he had gone quite blind so that when she was given to him in marriage her family were no longer distressed. He continued in this way for twenty years until at last when she died he opened his eyes. When questioned about what he had done he said I did it deliberately so that her family would not be grieved.

You have outrun all your brethren he was told through your goodness of character. A kind of legendary story whose point is not that we should be imitating this but rather that one should make sacrifices for the happiness of the bride and her family.

The Story of Hatim al-Assam

A story that some of you will probably be familiar with already is that of Hatim al-Assam one of the early Sufis known as Hatim al-Assam which means Hatim the Deaf.

One of the stories given for why he was called the Deaf was that he was engaged to a woman and on their wedding night when they were alone together they had been eating well she accidentally broke wind which in Arab Muslim society is an absolute no no you never do that and as a nicely brought up lady she was absolutely filled with horror and humiliation and she said I'm terribly sorry and he said what did you say? I'm really sorry. Sorry? and he was known as Hatim al-Assam Hatim the Deaf because of that example of hosnul khuluk and respect for his wife's sensibilities.

And then another interesting colourful story. Another Sufi once married a bad tempered woman and endured her company patiently. When asked why he did not divorce her he replied I'm afraid that someone else might marry her who is unable to tolerate her and will suffer accordingly. Well I don't know that any of us are that good these days.

The point he's making is a serious one that toleration of faults is a virtue and in marriage which is a blessed state and Allah hates divorce it is a particularly important virtue. Virtues are not less because they are in marriage in fact they are more because of the permanent consequences of a breakdown in the relationship. Divorce shakes the throne of Ar-Rahman.

Again something that we forget. And then some more stories. It was for this reason that the Salaf made haste to marry and to marry off their daughters.

Said ibn al-Musayyib said Satan never despairs of anyone until he has endeavored to tempt him through women. The converse is presumably also meant. Ibn al-Musayyib said at the age of 84 when he'd lost the use of one eye and was almost blind in the other in my opinion women are to be feared more than anything else.

Which means the fitna. Once encountered a truly ancient Libyan who was marrying this young teenage bride. He said it was to keep him away from fitna.

The man looked as if he would be dead in a few months. What kind of fitna he was afraid of Allahu alam. Inshallah his intention was a good one.

The Merit of Countering Desire

And let's try and fit in before Maghrib Imam Ghazali's conclusion. An exposition of the merit of him who counters the desire of his sex and his eye. It's briefly alluded to this already when he cites the hadith in Imam Ahmad Musnad which says that you will receive an Iman whose sweetness you will find in your heart if you look away.

Know that this desire wields more power than any other over man and is the most disobedient to reason when it is aroused. Its consequences are unsightly and embarrassing and one should be afraid to enact them. Most people refrain from acting upon their sexual desire he's talking about illicitly either through incapacity fear, embarrassment or a wish to safeguard their reputations.

If we think honestly about this you can see not much has changed with the exception perhaps of certain heads of states and presidents and heirs to the throne who don't seem so worried about their reputations. None of these things however brings any reward from Allah for they constitute no more than a preference for one desire of the nafs over another.

Certainly a man's inability to follow up his desire is a sign that he is protected and all such obstacles are beneficial in that they ward off sin.

A man who does not commit fornication will not incur the sin which attaches to it whatever the reason that induced him to abstain may have been. But merit and great reward follow only when one refrains from such an act for fear of Allah while able to perform it and in the absence of obstacles and the presence of suitable circumstances. And this is especially so when one's desire is genuine.

The Seven Who Will Be Shaded

So the rest of this chapter is a list of illustrations indicating this particular virtue self-discipline often the hardest form of self-discipline and then he gives a hadith which is in Bukhari and Muslim, well-known hadith:

"On the day of Qiyamah seven people will be shaded by Allah under his throne when there is no shade but his... and he enumerated amongst them a man invited by a woman of beauty and good family to lie with her but who said 'I fear Allah, Lord of the worlds'" Reference: Sahih al-Bukhari 660

The tale of Yusuf and his refusal of Zulaikha despite his ability to exceed to her demands and in spite of her desire for him is well-known Allah praises him for so doing in the Quran and he is the leader, the Imam and the exemplar for all who have been granted success in struggling against the Shaitan with regard to this powerful desire.

Guarding the Eyes

Now and then he gives a number of quite long stories illustrating the heroism of those who are in a position to surrender to this powerful desire but solely from fear of Allah, the Akhira abstain such as the merit which attaches to remaining chaste when one is in a position to gratify one's desire now similar to this is the case of being able to gratify the sexual desire of the eye and yet abstaining the eye is the beginning place of fornication and to guard it is therefore a matter of great importance it's also difficult in that it may be underestimated not greatly feared despite the fact that all evil derives from it.

One will not be taken to task for the first glance if it is unintentional why? because the first glance is from the fitra and people's eyes rove naturally but one will certainly be taken to task for looking again.

The prophet صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ said:

(Sunan Abu Dawud 2149)

"You may have the first but the second is against you"

In other words the first accidental look is not a sin look again look again and the situation is different.

Ala bin ziyad has said do not follow the cloak of a woman with your eyes for a glance so is desire in the heart it's rare indeed that a man in his comings and goings does not happen to glance at women to the extent that he senses their beauty his nature will demand that he look again at which point he should make himself appreciate that looking again in this way is sheer ignorance.

And here we see the Ghazalian logic for if he looks and finds the object of his regard to be beautiful his desire will be aroused but since he'll be unable to satisfy it he will gain only regret while if he looks and finds ugliness he will gain no pleasure and will in fact be pained since he had desired pleasure and found ugliness instead both of these circumstances therefore entail sin and sorrow however to the extent that he guards his eye a great number of disadvantages will be spared his heart should his eye stray by looking but he still restrain his sex when in circumstances which would permit him to gratify it he has been granted the utmost strength and success.

Conclusion

Thus Alhamdulillah praise be God and through his generosity closes the book of breaking the two desires shall be followed insha Allah by the book of the thoughts of the tongue by which he means things like backbiting, lying talking too much etc Alhamdulillah the beginning and at the end in what is apparent and in what is hidden may his blessings and most abundant salutations rest upon our master Muhammad the best of his creation and upon his every chosen bondsman amongst the dwellers of the earth and of the heavens.

آمین